do you think this is to soon?

[whenwillibemeagain]

our DC was born just under 2 weeks ago I have struggled hugely and definitely suffering from post partum depression ( or extreme baby blues ) I am finding things so hard and ended up having an emergency c section so that isn’t helping as I still feel rough. DP returned to work for the first day today and has now told me his going out with his work colleagues for dinner and drinks this week. I feel like it’s so soon and I am desperate for his help and also his company as I feel so alone. I know I can’t ask him not to go as it will cause massive problems and I’ll be told I’m trying to control his life but I genuinely feel so angry that my life has been so drastically changed but yet life has just continued on absolutely fine for him he just gets a cute baby and to carry on living. I’ve been having to pretend I don’t mind but I feel so anxious about being alone and not having him here.
I know I might be being unreasonable but don’t trust my own brain to know.

I think it's far too soon. He'll be gone all day and then out all evening as well. It's just not fair on you especially as you seem to be struggling. Could you speak to your health visitor? Friends of mine had a health visitor who would talk to the husband as well. What about his mum or his sister? If they are around could you talk to them?

I think you and your partner should be a team.
Especially when you have a child together.
Especially when you have a baby that is 2 weeks old!

Tell your DP that you need his help and support.

Much too soon. It’s a long enough day on your own. He’s being selfish I’m sorry.

He's an arsehole, don't let him get away with it. Things have now changed, he's a parent, many less office drinks etc. Much more rushing home. Don't allow him to be a man child. First time I came home having drunk too much my wife said I was waking up with the baby the next morning, I don't think I've got drunk in the decade since. Set the ground how you want it.

I think in your situation it is too soon yes. Have you spoken to him about how you’re feeling?

it’s not about you controlling him, it’s about you needing the support and solidarity from the partner with whom you made this baby. It’s tough and it’s not shameful needing company and support

Why can’t you ask him not to go? I don’t think it’s controlling, you would be asking him not to go because you need his help. I think you should be able to be honest with him and be able to talk about how you are feeling.

You need to be honest or resentment will set in..

Ask him if he had major abdominal surgery less than two weeks ago (causing pain and making you not allowed to lift anything remotely heavy) and he had been home alone with a newborn baby for the whole day while you were at work, what he would genuinely think of you telling him that in a few days you were going for dinner and drinks instead of coming home after work to see him and the baby and share care of the baby.

I'd imagine he would think you were being a selfish prick if you did that. Because you would be.

As is he.

You massively need help, and if he thinks you not wanting him to go out under these circumstances is controlling, then you have much, much bigger problems on your hands.

Actually, I need to add to what I just wrote. I think you already have a bigger problem just from him having the gaul and selfishness to even think about going out for dinner and drinks. Honestly, it's fucking unbelievable.

Wow - what an amazingly selfish bastard ☹️

Can he not understand that you're not trying to control his life you just desperately need his help with yours?

He shouldn’t even be contemplating it and tbh if you saying that two weeks after MAJOR surgery , you don’t want to be left home alone all day and well into the eve with a newborn is considered controlling …. Then you have bigger problems here .
Has he always been a selfish dickhead or is this new behaviour ? What has he been like during your pregnancy and since the birth ?

If you know you can't share how this affects you without being accused of controlling him then you have a problem.
After a c section you need support from a purely practical pov as all your core muscles are repairing so lifting baby etc is something to be very careful of.
But your emotional landscape is real and matters, so it's just as important.
Becoming a mum, incredible though it is, is like being hit by a truck in terms of the seismic change to your body and life... If you can't look to your partner for support then it's his shame.
Sure, there might be new mums who take it all in their stride, that's great, but there are many more who need a little extra consideration for a while. This extra support, emotional or practical can be tapered off gradually as strength and health return. But the pace will vary from mum to mum and if he can't hear that without accusing you of manipulating him (which is what controlling is) then he's part of the problem.

Hell to the no… it would of been met with a response of (can you not see I’m struggling) I need you home so I can tag you in and have a bath and wee by myself for a hour or 2. What are you thinking? Straight up! Unfortunately nothing changed for my husband iv excepted that now. My career is non existent while his been promoted 3X earns amazing money, while I go over drawn every month. We do not go without and have a lovely life but I don’t know what I expected. Maybe ground rules should have been put down. At least for first 3 months to get into routine. Please say some thing or advise him that your mum commented that maybe it’s not great idea so soon. I wouldn’t want him mingling with people then coming home to us giving us coughs or colds and germs.

What an absolute cock. I’d be beyond angry if I were you op. He should be heading straight home to take over until you’re sufficiently recovered from your major abdominal surgery. Not to mention the emotional side of things. I don’t have any advice, I’d be fucking fuming though.

Agree with all pp.
Wtf is his attitude about!?
He'll be raising his glass to his work mates with a 'oh she'll be alright, What's she moaning about' thought in his head... Talk about selfishly disengaging from your responsibilities.
How dare he shrug it off as though it's got nothing to do with him!!

Oh hell no, you’re definitely not being unreasonable!
yes you can say something to him, please do.
I was still an absolute state 2 weeks after my c section, and couldn’t have coped with DH being back at work then out for the night.
Have you got support from family and friends nearby? You shouldn’t have to rely on them, but if he’s going to be an arse and act like a child then you may need to, when you’re struggling both physically and emotionally.
Speak to him ASAP. Good luck.

Urgh. That is not cool from him. I'm sorry.

FWIW, I can guarantee there will be many among his work colleagues who will think he is an absolute selfish idiot and will judge him for being there.

I was just going to say this.

The fact you’re afraid to raise your feelings with this man when you’re in the most vunerable state of your life, suggests he has form for being a bit of a cunt.

Lean on your external support system if you have one and start making plans to LTB.

Please stop pretending you're OK with it.
It is much too soon and honestly he sounds like a prick for even considering it. Fuck him, your life has been turned upside down and he doesn't get to act like nothing in his life should change. If he doesn't want to act like a father tell him to fuck off out of your life

I've had 2 sections and difficult recoveries both times. Unless it was an emergency i would've been furious if dh had buggered off out in the evening after a day at work so soon after the birth. You've had major surgery ffs & now have a tiny baby - his baby - to care for.
It's not about you controlling him, it should be about him being a grown up who cares about his partner's recovery from a significant physical event, and his new child.