Hypothetically - Past DV, New Relationship, SS…

[Lurker6838]

Say if 2 people were together for years, had children but the relationship was abusive and toxic.

The relationship ends for several years, in that time the abusive person isn’t allowed contact with their ex or their children for a period of time - they don’t see each other for years.

The abusive person goes through a lot of therapy, works hard to have contact with their kids again and a couple of years down the line of everything being settled - the 2 parents end up back in a relationship with each other (healthy, no abusive like before).

What would SS stance be on this for the children in the household?

I know someone currently going through this and I genuinely can’t offer any advice to her because I have no clue…

They would want to know about it so they could make sure that everything you have said here is true.

Proof that the abuser had sought therapy for a start?

All over the reformed character like a hot rash to protect the children and would be looking at the partner very carefully because... well is it actually for the benefit of the children? It looks like it suits the adults

Seriously? 9 billion people on the planet and they get back together? Yes SWS should be informed and should ask a lot of questions. Honestly.

How would ss know?

@Mydustymonstera she hasn’t agreed to get back with him yet, she’s asking advice before she makes a decision because obviously she doesn’t want her kids taken off her - I’ve never been in that situation but I know you often get SW on here offering advice. Apparently after spending time together after so many years brought back feelings for them both, I don’t really know 🤷‍♀️

If this abuser has a criminal record then I suppose it will be clear where they live and with who. Must be declared otherwise big problems result re probation and child protection.

@LilBus I think she is worried because school know what dad is like or has been like before, if the children went into school and suddenly said oh Daddy is living back with us sort of thing it would ring alarm bells for people who don’t know about the therapy etc

The clue here is the abuse of the children. That should mean NO

Therapy or not the mother is signalling something there to her children about self worth. Yes school safeguarding will flag this.

Tell her it's not worth it.

And he's likely to flip back the moment she lets him in again.

Abusers never change, sorry.

I’ve said that - I think he is very manipulative and just being nice until he gets what he wants - but she’s convinced this ‘near death’ experience he had has changed him (that’s a whole other story but he had a really bad mental breakdown that nearly killed him when he wasn’t seeing her and the children)

Wow. That totally sounds reasonable given the risks to her and her children's safety.

Ask your friend if she fancies saying this in court in front of several lawyers

Social worker here. Has the abusive partner proven to the court (ie undergone risk assessment) that they are now allowed contact having previously been not allowed?

Even the most abusive parents are allowed supervised contact so I'm dubious about the 'no contact for years' did he just not bother to turn up?

It sounds like neither parent are thinking about what is best for their children. I imagine they are confused and frightened, despite what fantasy their parents may be spinning them.

Has the abused parent had any therapy?

The general principle accepted by SS is that past behaviour is the predictor of future behaviour.
In order to show the father is no longer a risk the responsibility will be on him to prove this to an acceptable standard. Reports will be expected from the body that ran the courses he went on and it will need to be an approved course to carry any weight. SS will probably want him and the mother to attend sessions with their approved counsellor for a report on the risk factors and whether the mother is a sufficient protector of her children.
I can’t see this being a quick or easy process.
Has SS imposed any limits to his access before such as only supervised contact?
Has the father included anger management in his treatment? Having a change of heart and realising that good parenting does not include DV is of little value if he is likely to lose it and lash out when annoyed by the children or his wife. Does he have substance abuse problems and has this incited DV in the past?
As you can see it’s hard to assess whether being able to convince your friend that his behaviour is no longer a risk is hard to gauge on the basis of her romantic liaisons with him.

@boomoohoo the court stopped contact as CAFCASS said it was unsafe, then dad didn’t fight it in court and try and defend himself (probably because of the amount of evidence and professionals that she had on her side!). It then went back to court after he had done all the work on himself and he can now see his children as normal - I don’t really know all the details. She is in therapy for a range of things but has resolved a lot of the trauma she had from their relationship - or it seems that way from what she has said previously.

She needs to put her children first and think about them.
why bother with him when he’s already abused her? Why risk her relationship with him.
I think mum is unhinged.

To answer your question - its hard to know as ss involvement is based on so many variables. I imagine they would begin with a risk assessment and take it from there.

Are you a friend of the mum?

It's so frustrating to see adults continue to make risky decisions for their kids. Even if there no longer was any abuse (and I'd say that would be quite unlikely) haven't the kids suffered enough disruption as it is.

She risks showing she doesn’t make safe choices and puts a potentially dangerous partner before her childrens needs.
Very foolish

Deleted reply. Old thread someone reopened

Men like him never change.
I certainly hope the school would report it and SS get involved to remove them.
They cannot be her priority if she is thinking of allowing a man like that back into her childrens home.
Better the children are removed than put in danger again.
If I were you I would tell her she absolutely risks loosing her children.
So she should be prepared for SS involvement if she puts him first.
He's completely manipulating her no doubt.

Ok a realistic and honest response from a social worker here -
if someone referred them back to social services on the basis that they were back together, this wouldn't warrant an assessment by itself (unless, possibly, his criminal offending was the most extreme and vicious kind, and he had other offences in the mean time) but generally if the DV was a long time ago, just getting back together wouldn't trigger a full assessment. It would probably result in a conversation with the mum setting out the risks of getting back together with him and the high likelihood of social services involvement if (when) he offends again.

She needs a good friend to give her a sensible dose of reality. She's kidding herself and risks losing her children, because he WILL do something again and social services WILL find out, probably when much more damage has been done.