To still feel so guilty I gave formula 'top ups'?

[Nguilty]

Two years on from my difficulties breastfeeding and with a healthy thriving toddler, I still feel so awful now some of my friends have subsequently had children and breastfed them.

At two weeks old my daughter hadn't regained birthweight and I was told to give over 500mls 'top ups' in 24 hours. She was vomiting this all up (I couldn't even get a third of that down her tbh) and I suspected this wasn't right, stopped the top ups and I paid an independent lactation consultant who gave me advise on positioning and attachment and said she didn't think there were any supply issues- I just needed to carry on BF her.

I really struggled with the new positions and trying to get her in them, especially at night my husband wanted to take the baby out of the room at one point as I was so wound up trying to get her to latch correctly.

The midwives were extremely skeptical and said she would have to be admitted if she didn't put weight on within 72 hours. I was really stressed and tearful.

The feeding specialist from the hospital agreed to see me too and said the new positioning was good and as she had dropped from 75th to 9th centile I could give top ups. The midwife was ringing me and scheduling every other day weigh ins. I was still struggling to latch the baby effectively consistently.

I knew the risk of top ups affecting my supply but I caved and said I'd give her two lots of formula in the night whilst I pumped whilst I got the hang of the new positioning and latching.

I spend all day watching videos of breastfeeding, pumping after feeds, and practicing latch. I pumped in the night but didn't attempt to latch her and gave her expressed milk and formula. When I did latch her in the night she vomited so I was afraid of trying again.
Of course we ended up finding one position we could consistently do- but my supply was destroyed by the night time disruption to feeding and ultimately lost the feeding relationship. It dragged on for many more miserable weeks and months with increasingly fraught efforts to sustain it but she ended up FF by four months. I ended up with severe PPD and nearly committed suicide.

I just can't seem to get over it and feel so guilty and culpable that I made the decisions that ultimately wrecked things.

Just from your title ... YABU. Don't feel guilty! Please, guilt ruins your relationships.

We had to top up (talking over 20 years ago) - I had an Emergency c/s and milk just wasn’t coming through. I did eventually manage to bf fully but it was a struggle and I only managed it cos I was so determined, dh was supportive and I had a great feeding chair and it must’ve just clicked at one point.
DS was more of a disaster - planned c/s but he just couldn’t latch so we switched to ff after pathetic attempts to pump! I did feel guilty and wished I could’ve bf, but there was no way! I think we carry a lot of guilt as mothers as I felt awful about my first emergency c/s.
If you’re feeling suicidal then you do need proper help, at the end of the day a fed baby is the most important thing.

So you made choices that ultimately meant your baby was fed and healthy??? And that is meant to be bad? Yeah sure, you’re a terrible mum OP, I mean you really should have taken the alternative route and et your child starve.

Of course you did the right thing. BF is NOT the only way to feed a baby, and in the case of babies like yours, not the right way. Each child is different with different needs. Forget what your friends did. You do you

You didn't wreck anything OP. You fed your baby! You followed medical advice
And you tried lots of things to make breastfeeding work by the sound of it, but it doesn't work out for many, many mothers. I think I know more people who had stopped BF or were mix feeding well before 6 months than I do people who exclusively Bf that time.

The newborn days are soon hard, emotionally, and even harder when feeding is difficult. I've been there. And I've been there on questioning and beating myself up over every litter thing with my kids. But it is far more important your baby gets fed than whether is is formula or breast milk. I promise you no one can tell which child is which when they are older! You need to be kind to yourself about it now.

Hopefully you are getting treatment for pnd, but you need to go back if not.

This is exactly the book I came here to recommend. As kind as everyone thinks they’re being, telling someone who is desperate to breastfeed, that it doesn’t matter how their baby is fed, is really not helpful. There can be real grief attached to being unable to breastfeed, and it shouldn’t just be pushed to one side ‘because fed is best’. These feelings need to be addressed, so I do think talking to your GP is a good idea, but don’t let anyone minimise how you should be feeling.

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a miserable time. It does sound like you need some professional support for the trauma you’ve been through. Is that an option for you?

We adopted our DC when they were babies and of course breastfeeding wasn’t an option. They’re both great big thumping kids now!

Best of luck to you.

And this! Professor Amy Brown is amazing, and will help you validate your feelings.

I'm so sorry you feel so bad. There really isn't anything wrong with formula feeding in a country like the UK where there is no risk of contamination of water supplies, which is the main reason for the big WHO push against it!
But I don't think your feelings are rational at this point, as others have said please do speak to someone about your anxiety and grief at this as it does sound like you may be experiencing PPD or something similar.

You did absolutely the right thing and far far above and beyond! I get similar pangs of guilt and think it’s misplaced perfectionism. But, you handled the situation perfectly, followed advice and you have a healthy child now, all good 😊

In other countries they don't push topping up as they do oin the uk. You followed the advice in the circumstances so don't feel bad about it. Much more important is lifelong eating healthily.

OP, I would urge you to seek professional help . This level of guilt and anxiety about giving a starving baby formula is not healthy. You absolutely did the right thing, but even if you hadn't done the right thing, you shouldn't feel that guilty about it so long after. You are a fantastic mother.

Seriously not worth worrying about OP

Please seek mental health support.

You did absolutely the right thing for your child. What was the alternative, let them starve? Formula is a fantastic food for babies and many healthy, happy, intelligent people were once exclusively fed on it.

You did the right thing and what a good mother would do. As you can’t see or feel this at present, you need to get support to help you see things clearly and move on from this, so you can enjoy your child.

Will feeling guilty change anything? No. It’s a pointless exercise.

Just enjoy your daughter instead!

My youngest son was fostered by us from birth (then adopted). I had to feed him formula. He’s healthier than the son I breastfed for 13 months 🤷‍♀️.

I have two primary aged kids, one was ebb for 6 nonths, the other mixed fed from day one (no issues with supply, I just had enough of the breast is best mantra by then). They are both thriving, but the mixed fed one is actually healthier so far. The pressure to breastfeed in modern society is mind blowing.

You shouldn't feel guilty in a million years. This is what formula was invented for!

Breastfeeding exists as a natural mechanism to meet the needs of babies; babies don't exist to be breastfed! Breastfeeding was not meeting your baby's needs, so you switched to something that did meet her needs.

Now she's a healthy toddler, because you focused on what would work for her. That's what's known as good parenting, and that's what you did.

OP you poor thing, you’re really suffering about this but it’s ok, you did nothing wrong and all is well. This is all from the pressure women feel to be perfect mums and do birth and feeding perfectly - but just like anything else it isn’t perfect and sometimes you need support or supplementation and it’s fine. Please let it go and don’t worry. I agree some counselling might help but I also hope posters here can reassure you too.

I was all ready to have a lovely birth and bf my first baby - what did I get, an emergency c-section, breastfeeding disaster and baby miserable and plummeting in weight. I was distraught when the midwives said they would need to feed him formula for 24 hours while we were still in hospital. I was crying and this lovely nurse said “sweetheart, I will feed him and watch him and you will sleep, that is what he needs and what you need” as I’d been up 48h trying to feed him. I was so exhausted I fell asleep and woke up with my baby fed and happy. I did go on to breastfeed him eventually but that was what he needed then.

It is not wrong or a failure in anyway to formula feed. It is good to bf if you can, of course, and has some advantages, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if it didn’t go well or you couldn’t or you topped up. I’m a formula fed baby of the 70s myself and I don’t think I’ve suffered from it. You did the best for your baby.

I topped up with formula from day one because DD was enormous and I was very poorly after the birth. I stopped trying to breast feed after a few months when DH walked in with the top up bottle whilst I was feeding her, she took one look at the bottle and stopped breast feeding. She's now in her 20s, a full functional adult with a good job and paying her taxes. Your DC will be absolutely fine.

OP, you have such a kind heart and you can feel the hurt in this post. Reading through all these responses made me think, I'm sure OP wouldn't respond to any of these people with the judgement they have inflicted on themselves.

Parenting is so hard. Every decision big or small is the colliding of what we think should happen, with what actually is happening.

There's no question that you did the right thing. You reacted to what was happening and now your little one is thriving. What a lucky little bean they are.

Talk to a professional OP. And re read all these responses while you wait. No one here thinks you've done anything wrong.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this OP, have a look at Everybody Calm Down About Breastfeeding, I hope it puts it all in perspective.

I combo/formula fed my first and successful EBF my second (learning from the first time round!), so this isn’t anti-breastfeeding at all. Mothers needs to do what works for themselves, their babies and their family, the only wrong choice is not feeding a baby at all, you fed your baby, you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about.

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/

To be honest I have felt that I should have ignored all the advice to give top ups and just carried on trying. That I should have given her the expressed milk only and not the formula.

You are kind but I do feel I just didn't try hard enough and I should have persisted.

Some of my friends have overcome hurdles and disagreed with professionals and ultimately succeeded, whereas I feel like because I made the wrong choices mine failed.
One friend was well-meaning but told me I just didn't put her to the breast enough.

I appreciate what you're saying-
75th wasnt even her true centile as she stopped growing in utero, she's settled on 98th centile weight
It sounds like you topped up in a sensible way - the way I did it was stupid and was to prevent me stressing and being upset at night but meant she was feeding least at the time prolactin was highest.

I don't think there's anything wrong with formula, and in my heart of hearts I feel like the benefits conferred by breast milk are marginal for highly educated, high income, first world families.
Honestly my life was so much better once she was formula fed - the photos on our phones go from blurry ones in the dark with me in pyjamas in a dark room +/- pump to me in dresses outside in the sun with a plump baby in one hand and a drink in the other.

I just wanted so much to nurse my baby at the breast and feel envy of my friends who are the only ones feeding their babies, who are totally in a little dyad with them, who can give them everything they need. I wish things had been different from the start.

Its also ridiculous as my toddler has never been ill since being formula fed, no wheezes, no ear infections, no antibiotics, never constipated, she is so tall and advanced in language that she is mistaken for being 3. She is quite independent but when she is tired does only want me.

I bought the Amy brown book ages ago but couldn't tolerate reading it, I read one page and cried, I tried last night and think I'll be able to do it now so I'll give it a go.

I've also booked a private 'debrief'.

I did get good mental health support at the time from perinatal and then the attachment service. It still stings sometimes but I can normally tolerate it, I think seeing a breastfeeding friend after a week of sleep deprivation was the catalyst for this really.

We are thinking about a second now which I think is adding to my feelings, I feel very anxious about trying again and feeling the pressure this time to make it work. It's good to hear you found it healing.

There is way too much emphasis on breastfeeding. I formula fed mine. They have never had eczema, asthma or ear infections. They have also only ever been ill a handful of times in their life.
So it's rubbish that breast was best for them. They are healthier than any other kids I know and are early teens now.