To expect year 11 son to come home after school?

[Infinity234]

He’s not been home after school yet. I’ve ended up making all our tea and eating without him, as this is becoming a regular occurrence although not usually this late. I have waited for him in the past only for him to inform me he’s eaten while out.

He’s just got a girlfriend and I’m really not impressed at the timing 😣 he wants to do A levels and then do Law (he does the bare minimum amount of work at home)! I think he’s going to have a big shock come results day if he doesn’t pull his finger out.

AIBU? I don’t know how to navigate this 😣

You need to grow up. Like your son is doing. I had to read that twice, I thought he was 11, not in year 11. Why is he not allowed a social life and has to come home immediately to have dinner with his mummy?

He needs to either come home and get changed before he goes out, or at the very least text you and let you know he's eating out.

It's very disrespectful not to and I'd be threatening to take his phone away if he's not prepared to use it.

I thought he was 11 by the way you wrote too.

He needs to let you know if he wants dinner, don't cook for him unless he does.
Apart from that let him be.

He needs some gentle guidance

It’s not just the eating with us thing, it’s how inconsiderate it is to not let me know what he’s doing regarding food. He has football practice at 7.30 that he will expect a lift to, same tomorrow and his games at the weekend. He just doesn’t participate in family life at all, when he’s at home he’s in his room. I’m worried for his GCSEs.

He should be letting you know if he won't be home for dinner, or won't be wanting it. That's just common courtesy.

Asides from not dropping you a text he sounds normal.
I honestly thought you meant an 11 year old too.

Well he should be letting you know his plans. My DD is year 11 and I’d have no problem with her spending time with friends / boyfriend after school, but I wouldn’t be impressed if she just didn’t come home. In fact I wish she would as she’s the opposite and is up at 5am every morning (including every day over half term) to do some revision / school work before school. Lay down some rules / expectations around being informed of plans and reminders about GCSE work. But do remember he’s growing up and having fun is all part of being a teenager too. I was never home at that age

I expect my teen and adult kids to let me know if they are going to be in for dinner and they don’t mind because they can see why. Yanbu to insist on that.

I don’t expect my teen to come home straight after school but they are happy to let me know if they do something unexpected like come home at 6 rather than usual 5pm.

Really? I have an older teen who never behaved like this and is always visibly doing college work.

Its common courtesy he let's you know if he will be home for tea so I wouldn't be impressed about that.

My 32 year old son is living back with us temporarily and he wouldn't dream of not texting to say if he doesn't want dinner.

Actually nor would my husband. It's just common courtesy.

I had to read this twice as I thought he was 11 years old to start with also.

I do expect my kids to tell me if they won't be home straight away. DD is at college and sometimes wonders around town with friends, but not often as she has to meny activities. She is also quite dedicated to her work so doesn't spend loads of time out.

Is he attending any after school revision seasons at all? DD did a lot in year 11. I would expect him to do this and then he can have free time if he wants. But I'd still want to know where they are at this age. Even if it's a quick text, I'm at my mates or hanging out with x.

I think some kids don't learn they need to put the effort in until they fail first. It won't be the end of the world if he doesn't do so well in his exams, but remind him he'll have to repeat them or won't be able to do what he wants. Unfortunately it may not sink in until he fails.

If he's expecting lifts then he should most definitely be letting you know when he'll be home.

I don’t mind him being out with friends at all, I never have, but when it’s every night after school and this keeps happening it’s frustrating to be wondering where he is and when he’s coming back.

I find it really hard to talk to him about it without it seeming like I’m having a go and it turning into an argument.

He’a been going to a before school (25 mins 🙄) revision session one day a week but he’s only gone because I drop him off. I’m going to email his teachers about after school ones as his older sister did those a couple of days a week on the run up to the exams. The difference between them is she told me about them!

I'd just work on the assumption he will be going to a friend's/ girlfriends house after school most days, cook for whoever else is in the home and if possible either put some individual leftover portions in the freezer or make sure there's wraps and ham etc in and he can make himself something.

I don't think it's unreasonable for 15/16yos to want to hang out with friends most evenings. As long as he is home by curfew.

He sounds like a normal teenager. I’ve got a year 8 and year 11 I haven’t seen for the best part of the last 8 days of half term. After school one will probably be doing clubs, the other sat in Costa with her mates. Depending on what it is, I’ll leave their dinners on the side for when they want them, and take them to work the next day if they don’t get ate. Or I’ll send them a text asking if they want feeding that day. One is very studious, and one is not. Me getting on their case is just going to damage our relationships, not change their personalities. I’ll spend time with both one day on the weekend where we’ll go shopping or to the cinema (I’ll basically bribe them to spend time with me), one I’ll see maybe an extra evening as we both enjoy horror films. Otherwise they’ll both enjoy spending time with their mates over them mum, they’re teenagers ffs. And they’re only kids once

He has football practice at 7.30 that he will expect a lift to, same tomorrow and his games at the weekend. He just doesn’t participate in family life at all, when he’s at home he’s in his room.

Honestly, op, for better or worse, that’s 90% of teenagers, and completely normal, if dispiriting!

My teen DCs send a message if they aren’t going to be home at the usual time. It’s just basic manners. Op, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to message you if he’s not going to be home for his evening meal.

I don’t mind him being out late or anything. In summer he usually comes home, has tea, goes out til 10/10.30. I’m not strict. He pretty much does what he wants. I just don’t like it when he’s inconsiderate. I’m trying really hard to not let it bother me but I can’t help but worry.

I would tell him he has to text if he’s going out straight from school and if he’s wanting tea or not, if he can’t even manage that then I would not be around for drop offs to any football practices until he learns to send a text

It’s not just the eating with us thing, it’s how inconsiderate it is to not let me know what he’s doing regarding food

Just stop cooking for him.

I think you need to back off!