To wonder if ex wife mentionitis is a big red flag?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing a guy for a while. The relationship is going very well, overall I feel secure and happy.

Early on he mentioned he was divorced. They'd been together for 10 years, broke up 4 years ago and now divorced for 2 years. Didn't say much more than that

She now comes up in passing fairly often. So at the weekend I finally asked for more details. He told me she filed for divorce and that they remain friends. In the early days of us dating last autumn he attended her father's funeral and stayed a few extra days to help her - she doesn't have a new partner.

When he talks about her, I don't get the impression he's in love with her. But he talks about her at a frequency that is invading our relationship space and I'm starting to wonder if I want this level of baggage when they don't even have kids together

Otherwise I feel we're both falling in love and he seems to adore me. He says he wants kids and to get remarried so we're agreed on the future. Everything else feels good. But I'm reluctant to get involved with someone involved with an ex. He indicates that he expects the friendship to continue.

Would you stick around?

Have you called him out on this at all?

It could be because she filed for divorce, he wasn't expecting it and may still hold a candle for her.

Maybe he just doesn't realise he's talking about her so much.

I'd talk to him about it.

I would be having a very direct conversation and I don't understand why you haven't. I would ask him why he keeps talking about his ex, because it doesn't exactly enforce the notion that he wants a future with you. If his mind is still in the past, I wouldn't be investing my time with him.

@Tagyoureit I haven't yet but feel like I'm going to have to.

When he talks about her it's more factual than longing.

Id hate to be someone's consolation prize. I'm now more concerned because I know they're still friends and he didn't want the divorce.

If they don't have DC, I think it's unusual to have a lot of contact with an Ex, but she will be a large part of his part experiences, so will naturally come up from time to time.

I think it depends whether he's saying Ex and I had such a good time in York, or I've been to York Ex and I went once, iyswim.

Either way though, if it's making you unhappy, he's not the man for you.

The reason I haven't yet is because I know they were together most of his adult life. So I can see why it's difficult to avoid the subject.

But knowing they still have a connection puts a different light on things.

It's more the latter @Redcushions - still a pain!

Op if it makes you uncomfortable you will have to have that “it’s me or her conversation”.

It’s a non issue. I have had much healthier relationships with men who were capable of amicable separation than men who bore grudges against their exes. My current partner has wonderful relationship with his ex, her husband and their young children. So much so that we take their kids on camping trips with us. They broke up 15 years ago and there are definitely no romantic feelings between them.
My ex, on the other hand hated his ex and, although they divorced 18 years ago, couldn’t help but bring her up every day and tell me how much of a “c**t” she was. Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last, he blocked me on everything in a huff and is probably somewhere telling crap about me to his next lover.

I think you just need to talk to him. Next time he brings her up I’d say something like “I think it’s lovely that you’re still on good terms. You do mention her a lot, I have to ask, are there still feelings there?” He might not realise he’s doing it. But raising it will either lead him to think about his feelings if he has them, or remind him not speak on every thought that enters his mind.

My ex and I, who have grown up kids together, talk to each other about family matters and other bits and bobs, including helping each other out with sometimes. Like your partner, one of these scenarios has been around a recent death. So this gets mentioned within other relationships, it's not a problem with my current partner. Some weeks there might be several conversations and hence 'mentions' but we can then go for weeks if not months without anything. The partnership has been over for a long time, but we knew each other from young, have friends in common. I don't believe either of us want to get back together.

Your new partner could be genuinely over her romantically and she him. It's better that she is mentioned than not, because he's not keeping secrets. The exact context is very important. How and why it ended between them and what has happened since are also important. But some people want a clean slate with no exes in their lives, so if you can't handle this, you need to find someone else who isn't still linked to their ex to this extent, or it will end in tears. Probably yours.

@Catza I understand what you're saying. My ex who cheated used to describe his ex as a jealous psycho - I should have known better

So it's not necessarily a bad thing and he does seem to be over her romantically - but there is still an emotional relationship of some kind. How close are they? Is he going to talk to her about our relationship down the line?

I'm approaching this new relationship having processed the end of my previous relationship. I need to know that he has done the same. And if he hasn't, best to know now.

In the early days of us dating last autumn he attended her father's funeral and stayed a few extra days to help her - she doesn't have a new partner.

It doesn't seem as though the relationship is really over, does it?

It's convoluted though. On one hand, if he trash talked her left and right, that would be very bad, a total deal breaker, yet occasionally mentioning an ex is normal. There does seem to be a bit more to it with him and his ex, though. I'd be wondering if he's really ready to move forward.

I think it's a positive he talks about his ex fondly. My husband and I are still in touch with significant ex's; my husband's ex-wife and my first boyfriend from 17-23. They are both happily married now too (no children involved).
If someone claims more than one ex has been particularly problematic I'd wonder who has the issue if that makes sense?

It sounds healthy to me. Quite normal for him to attend his ex FIL's funeral - this is a person he's known for a decade; I'd expect him to attend unless he and his ex had parted on bad terms/he didn't get on with his ex-FIL. And you do say you were in the early days of dating - you weren't in the 'quasi-spouse' category at that point.

I think I would trust what he does, rather than trying to second-guess what he says. If he treats you with love and respect, chances are he feels that way.

@Aquamarine1029 he mentioned helping her after the funeral of his own accord, saying he agreed to help with a few things but wasn't intending to help her any further.

You can't just switch things off like that so not quite convinced. It seems like she divorced him but can still upon him as and when. He's a good man but it's a small cause for concern.

I'm still friends with my ex. We don't see each other but do chat occasionally on the phone. He was a big part of my past just like my friends were.

My current dp is ok with this as he knows me well and that there's nothing more.

Just have a word with him, preferably now, to gauge how you feel about it more.

She divorced him yet still reels him back in to "help" - this would make me question his ability to have proper boundaries, especially given he is now in a relationship with you, claiming he wants a future with you. This woman is not his friend, she's his ex-wife, and there are limits for what any current partner should be expected to tolerate.

I think it's more of a red flag that you weren't aware that they're still friends. Does this mean he's been hiding their contact from you?

@icelolly12 no I did know they were friends. Have known since the start. This past weekend was the first we talked about it in any detail though.

I could have written this!

I met a guy 6 years ago who had separated from his wife 18months before. Initially i thought he was doing it in a way to get the 'big things' out the way.. it got to point where i could mention a sandwich and he would somehow make it about his ex. I sat down and spoke to him - wish i didnt bother - because he did stop, but then it felt like it was only because i said it bothered me. We broke up maybe 5 months later and i feel like i completely wasted my time as i had pure intentions and was ready to have a serious relationship and i know now thst he wasnt.. May not be the case but id keep an eye on mentionitis.

Oh okay well in that case then I don't think it's a red flag. She was a big part of his life and it's nice that he supported her during her Fathers funeral. I would maybe just explain that it can get a bit much if he keeps going on about her, but if he just mentions her in passing I wouldn't worry- you don't want him to start hiding things for fear of upsetting you.

@icelolly12 I know - I don't want him to feel he cant open up to me. But I really am sick of hearing about her. Not sure I can stay silent, so I think I'll need to say something.

Ex aside, I'm happy. He's very generous and loving and I feel deep contentment when we're together. I just want to make sure we're on the same page.