Moving away from family

[IvyLibra]

Me and my partner have lived about an hour away from our hometown for the last 5 years. We both come from close families but like to have some space and don’t want to live where we grew up. We have just sold our house and are now looking to relocate to a different area which is about 1 hour 15 mins away from our hometown in the other direction.

My family are not taking it well and say they want to see me more. They want justification of the area we have chosen and why we can’t go somewhere closer but there’s no where closer that appeals to us. It also doesn’t help that they live nextdoor to my sister and look after her children 5 days a week so that’s what they are used to. My partner and I want to start a family and they are now saying I will really struggle with a child living that far away from them and aren’t happy that they won’t see their future grandchild as much. I would love for them to have a close relationship but I’m not expecting them to provide child care.

I don’t personally think it’s that far and I don’t think you need to be physically close to have a good relationship. But the problem is that they do and I’m the one who visits them or calls them 90% of the time and I don’t know if it’s fair to ask them to make more effort when I’m the one who chose to move. They all regularly travel an hour for their hobbies/activities however.

I am really struggling because I love my family but I want to choose where I live and where I think is best to bring up my future family. But I can’t deal with the pressure currently being put on me.

AIBU? Should I prioritise living closer to family to keep the peace?

Live where you and your DP want to and don't let your parents control you.

You need to make your own life choices. You are an adult and they can’t control you.
It’s not like you’re moving to the other side of the world, you can visit them often and if they want to make the effort they can visit you too.
Myself and DH live over two hours away from both of our families and we still see plenty of them and our children are close to them and love them.
like yourself and your partner we also like our own space and from the sound of things, if you move closer to them you won’t get much space from them.
you must do what’s right for you. Don’t be pressured in to something just to keep the peace.

So you'd be 2.5 hours travel away from your parents? What about dp's parents?

All my adult life (I'm now into my 60s) I've lived 2.5 hours from my parents, DH 3 hours away from his.

We didn't have regular childcare from them, but this is the norm where I live. Very few of my friends and acquaintances had childcare from parents.

I liked the sense of distance but not being hundreds of miles away. My DC had good relationships with their grandparents despite only seeing them about 4 to 6 times a year.

Sounds like moving further away is wise... And before you have dc even better...

That is close enough to have dinner at someone’s house or to meet up for an afternoon. It hardly constitutes moving away from family.

No it would only be about 1 hour 15 (just the opposite direction from where we are now), so it doesn’t even really constitute ‘moving away’ but the reaction from my family makes me feel like I’m moving across the world. DPs family live in the same town, but don’t have as many issues with us moving.
I come from a small town where people just tend to stay and live a few doors down or streets away from their families, so they think I will really struggle with a DC because it’s not how they did it and I think they take offence to me not wanting to live there.

Thanks @paddlinglikecrazy can I ask how often you see your family? Do you tend to visit them more or do you both make the effort to travel ?

Obviously, it's your life and you can live where you want.
There is some wisdom to living near your parents when you have DCs though. Just look at how many posts there are on here from stressed out parents who don't have the grandparents close by. Good grandparents who live close by, are worth their weight in gold. They do make life easier and its lovely for children to see them often. A 2.5 hour round trip isn't the same as having grandparents you can just drop the kids off with for an hour.
If you don't want that kind of relationship or don't think you'll get that kind of support, then that's fine. Don't move anywhere just to keep the peace though.

@IvyLibra

We moved away before we had any DC and when they were babies our family mostly visited us, as they’ve grown it’s a mix of us travelling to them and them coming to us.
we probably see them every couple of months. You will be closer to your family than we are so will be quicker for your visits.
As a previous poster mentioned, the downside is we don’t have grandparents on hand for childcare or to pop round the corner with baby ( when they were small ) help with school pickups etc, but the plus side is the distance prevented them from interfering and giving input on how we raised our DC.
Both myself and DH are happy being a distance away and love the area we live.
what we lack in family here we make up for in friends. We’ve built up a really good circle of friends here for both us and the DC.