Is this social anxiety?

[Isthatrue]

I never used to be like this when younger but now that I am getting older (40) and have DC I think I might have developed a form of social anxiety.
I am surrounded by very wealthy and successful people at work, married to equally successful partners and I am constantly exposed to their lives: massive houses in London, luxury holidays, kids in private schools etc. You get the picture.
DH and I have a good joined income of £120K (me being the main earner) which is good but not amazing for the London standards and certainly not amazing compared to some of the people I deal with every day.
We both have degrees but he works in the service industry. I will admit (name changed for this post) I sometimes feel “ashamed” of what we haven’t achieved and try to find ways of not going out with people who I feel are too remote from our small social circle. For example I avoid going to company gatherings with DH because I don’t want to navigate those type of social situations with a bunch of high flyers asking about our career and skiing holidays etc. This also means I sometimes miss out on other things like putting myself forward for play dates with DCs friends if I know that their parents live in fancy houses whereas we have a modest two bedroom flat.
I know it all sounds crazy and I am ashamed of my feelings. I just wanted to put it out there to see if anyone has ever felt the same and how can I overcome this as I don’t enjoy it at all!

I'd say low self-esteem, not social anxiety.

I’m not entirely sure I’d describe it as “social anxiety”. You’ve pointed it out yourself - you’re “ashamed” of what you perceive to be a lack of achievement and inferior lifestyle. While a level of snobbery does undoubtedly exist amongst some in the kind of circles you’re describing, I really don’t think you have anything to be “ashamed” of, and it sounds like you, and by default your DC, are missing out. The cliched “comparison is the thief of joy” comes to mind.

@Mercurial123 maybe. I never considered myself as someone with low self esteem before I started going through this. I think that working with so many high achievers has undermined my confidence

@PossumintheHouse yes the DC point is what I am mainly concerned about. Also, to be clear, we are really not badly off, DC go to a lovely school and do lots of clubs and activities and our home, even though small and modest, is really lovely and tastefully decorated, full of character, books and fun. I know my DC are happy here, just feel a bit inferior when compared to most of their peers houses

No, you've misunderstood the 'social' part of it. Social anxiety is nothing to do with social standing or status, or feelings of inferiority. Yours is probably more like impostor syndrome.

Social anxiety is a fear or worry associated with finding it extremely difficult to communicate with people, or find situations incredibly stressful. Things that other people would find ordinary day-to-day conversations are a painful torture for people with social anxiety. I suppose in a way it could be akin to something like stage fright. You are paralysed with fear.

@aitchteeaitch how does one overcome this feeling?

I don't know. A family member of mine suffered from professionally diagnosed social anxiety, and she had several lots of counselling which helped a little. She's a lot better than she was, but it has taken years.

Perhaps yours is more of an inferiority complex. Maybe counselling could help you?

Turn it round. Would you want to swap your lovely, happy life with theirs and the pressure they live under?

People having more money are not "more", just as you're not "lesser" for having less in the bank than them. Be proud of what you've achieved as a family, sounds like you're doing just fine.

@Mabelface no, I don’t envy their lives, I am happy with what we have. But I cannot shake the feeling of inferiority or shame in letting them know what DH does for a living, the sort of property we live in, the fact that we drive an old car etc. It’s like because I am not like them, I’d rather remove myself from those conversations or not deal with them at all.
I have no idea how I became like this :(

I'm a CBT therapist and I'd say probably a self esteem issue? It doesn't sound like social anxiety.
Some therapy might be a good place to explore this negative self comparisoning? Shame is a big and complex emotion.

I used to work as a P.A. and became friends with my boss who was extremely wealthy, imagine average office salary, versus buying the latest Audi sports car with a bonus! When he came to visit our home, he loved it, even though we hadn't even finished the restoration we were working on, as we could only work on it as the money became available. He told me that he envied me, and that he was actually much happier when he had lived in a small 2 bed town house, because at that time he had things to work for, whereas once he'd made it it all seemed a bit pointless really. So don't assume that just because they're richer than you, that you, or your DH are inferior in any way. If they look down their nose at you when you talk about your normal life, then they're not worth knowing anyway. I've socialised with lots of rich people due to the nature of my ex's work, and most were really lovely, and interested to hear about our lives. Just be yourself OP, that's all the vast majority of people want, or expect of you, and trying to pretend you're something you're not, will only backfire, and make them think of you as a fake.

@AliceAbsolum thank you. It’s not the right time for me to do therapy for several reasons but definitely something I’d like to do in the future

That’s not social anxiety. You’re just envious and feel inferior in comparison. It sounds exhausting, comparing yourself negatively to others all the time. You need to feel more centred on and interested in your own life, rather than looking sideways so much.

Comparison is a natural human trait.
We all constantly assess where we are on the status ladder against measures of health/resources/popularity etc.. once essential for survival we can't switch it off, it's instinctive.

But you can avoid feeding it and cultivate activities/company that helps you dial it down (get things back into perspective).

You've spent so much time with them your sense of a minimum baseline of normal is skewed giving you a sense of inferiority.

I think you need to broaden your social contacts so that you feel more in the middle of the heap than the bottom of the pile .. that will annoy your self esteem to recalibrate to a more accurate position, because by income you really are advice the vast majority and doing just fine.

Hold your head high and try to have conversations about topics that have intellectual interest for you.

This^^

Social anxiety has nothing to do with social status. You could be a super high achiever with social anxiety or a low achiever who doesn't have it

No one has said it yet I think but comparison is the thief of joy. Trite but so true. Dont waste another moment of your life feeling "lesser".

Don't not arrange play dates because of this. It's not social anxiety , that is more like stage fright. Just take a deep breath and say it doesnt matter. If "friends" mind about your husband's work or your flat or whatever, they don't matter. It doesnt matter.
In 50 years you will look back on this fear and think WTF.
Its like people worrying about what they look like and then in 50 years time look at a photo and think...I looked absolutely fine or even I looked gorgeous and didn't realise it.

@user1471519902 I wish it was that easy. I know you are right though

Or jealousy.

Social anxiety for me, is wanting to run away from all those people who are where I need to be.
Also not being able to go into a room where there are already people because it means they look at me.

Fair enough, I got the definition wrong. Anyone experienced the same though?

Don't feel bad.
Which ever way you look at it maybe you should go to counselling to understand why you feel the way you do and hopefully get ways to get better.

I think it really depends on the individual "wealthy" people OP. If they are snobbish, looking down on others, lacking awareness and good values, then I wouldn't bother socializing with them. But if they are kind, humble, compassionate etc. then they really wouldn't care what house you live in or what your DH does for a living. They would know people are all different and can't all be as "wealthy" as them. But don't let your fear of being judged prevent you from getting to know them better and finding out if you do want them in your life.
Btw, I keep the word wealthy in quotation marks, because the real wealth is only found deep into the soul. It can never be measured by a job, salary holidays and cars (these are only the illusive measures of the ego).