To be sick of the dating rules / game playing nonsense

[Jazminlovestheflowers]

Just that really, sick of it.
Dont say this / dont say that.
Let the man chase you.
Make sure he initiates things first
Make sure you act cool
Make sure you dont act too available
... bla bla bla

So I've been on a few dates with a lovely, kind , funny , decent man.
After each date he has messaged me saying he would like too see me again.
The last time I saw him was yesterday, and although he has msg me , about what he had been up to during the day etc, he hasnt asked to see me again, or hinted or anything of the sort which I've obviously noticed as its different to what he would normally do.

I'm a pretty secure woman, good job, friends, family , I'm not desperate to be in a relationship but on one of our dates he has asked if I like him and I said yeh I do like you.... because it's the truth I do.
He has also expressed he likes me too.
So the real true to myself me (the person I am around my closest friends/ family) would just think ok so maybe he would like me to initiate things now ? As it's always been him ? So I would like to just msg him & say it would be nice to see him again or something straight forward but casual like fancy meeting up again ?
This is because I am straight to the point person. Well my friend has advised me against doing this saying it makes me look too available/ needy ! and after looking at threads of advice on mumsnet it seems shes not alone on this !!!
No, no, no one friend said.... you never initiate seeing them again... huh? What?
Why?

AIBU to want to throw the rule books in the bin so to speak?
Cant we just all be ourselves please when it comes to dating?
I'll be fine if he says no , I'll just say no hard feelings , thanks for a nice time ...then I'll move on .. date someone new, plenty of fish in the sea. I wont be devastated if he says no!
I just dont want to waste my life and my time dating / msging someone and would rather be direct! Does it always have to be the man that does this?

No, it's not unreasonable to be sick of it.

No, you don't have to play those kinds of games, and you absolutely can message him if you want.

Yes, you can be direct, and it will help you weed out people who do life differently to you and are less compatible.

But, you did only see him yesterday, so to me, it's a bit "what's the rush?", given it's early days.

To me it would also depend how many "a few" dates is - after ~5 or so, maybe less of an issue to initiate.

And, whilst in an ideal world I'd agree with you, personal experience says let them chase until the relationship has grown to the point that you're both decently attached, and even then the ones I've dated seem to like to still maintain an element of "chase" at least some of the time.

Some of it is probably biology, some of it is cultural conditioning, and there will definitely be men who don't conform to that stereotype. But a lot do, so depends how many fish you want to have to try out, I guess.

All relationships involve compromise - but you absolutely get to choose which issues you're happy to compromise on and which you're not.

Op just be you. The man who takes offence or isn't interested because of who you are isn't the right man. I have NO Idea who suggested the third date with me and DH. Or the fourth. We were both just us and it worked out organically.

I'd just message back about you day and mention something you'd like to do together. Oh the new Dune movie is out this week, do you fancy it?

If he runs a mile cos you're a needy woman desperate for his penis and he's emasculated because you suggested a cinema, really he's doing you a favour.

There is no rule book though.

You're a grown woman, if you want to suggest a date just do it.

There's no need to consult friends.

Are you me OP? Lol, I'm having similar experiences.

Not sure if you met this man online or in real-life, however I'd agree with your friend to play it cool. Online dating has made relationships disposable as there's so much abundance, for some it's like being a child in a sweet shop!

I've met a few men for first dates over the last few months; all of them have said it's off-putting when a woman chases them for dates. If this man is as decent as he sounds, there will be loads of women chasing him too. My male friends who dated women online also preferred to do the following up; all of them are now married to the women they decided to move forward with.

Of the men I've been out with, I've met one in particular for a couple of dates, and hoping for it to develop further as we've agreed to go out again. I've found it helpful to be patient and sure enough he's been the one messaging. It's a bit tiresome, but it does seem to work. If he doesn't get in touch, it's not the end of the world. Relax, and if this is meant to be, everything will fall into place.

Who's rules are these? Yours?If not, why are you following them. I have noticed that the people who follow these 'rules' and give advice to others have a series of crappy relationships and are essentially single.
so what does that tell you about the rules?.

When a man actually likes you, and assuming he is a normal decent bloke, he will be pleased. DH and I almost alternated in early days. We both made actually loads of effort to find things that were relevant to our discussions, so the ideas always sounded thoughtful yet simple. If you discussed films or music or comedy then link a related event; otherwise look up something interesting (light display, beer festival, cycle event, nightclub event, tasting menu) and and say "are you up for doing X?".

And you are quite right; if he isn't interested long term then dragging it out isn't actually good for you.

I was going to give similar advice. I'd wait 24 hours simply because some people need breathing space from the intensity of the early days - doesn't mean they are not interested. Then as @GRex says, suggest doing something you know would interest you both.

@Starseeking what sort of similar experience are you having 😂 ... I'm pretty sure I'm not you .

Thanks for the advice :)

If you behave like a step ford wife in the initial dating stage, following the “rules” then you risk him being displeased later on, and telling you, you changed up when you do show your assertive self.

It’s best to be yourself, that way you weed out the arseholes who only want a submissive pleasing little woman.

I don't think you need to abide by these rules, you can ask and theyll probably say yes, to begin with, but IME if they've stopped asking, it's because they're losing interest, so you could just be prolonging things.

I agree with PP that the men you want are ones who expect you to have a bit of something about you, rather than be completely passive, but I don't think men that go off you if you ask have gone off you because you asked, more that they'd already gone off you and that's why you needed to ask

Being sick of all the rules 🤣🤣🤣

Love this. Well put.

To give an update ... I didn't end up contacting him ... I wanted to wait & see what he did as advised by people.
He didnt contact me ...
I got my answer , without losing dignity so I've had a complete u- turn over this and realised that this is why people advice not to contact them and wait

Thanks for all of your advice

You last met him this Sunday according to OP. Why be so final that he won't get in touch? He might not be keen any more, but he might be busy with work, or wondering if you would message him. It's early days and you like him, as hard as it is pause for breath.

@GRex thank you, your right.
I do actually have some issues that I'm trying to work on , so it's good to hear your perspective. I am being a bit final.
I think I close off, shut down or end it in my head before i get hurt??
I had a very abusive childhood which I am now getting therapy for so u am very open to hearing everyones advice.
Thank you x

I agree with this advice and your response sounds very thoughtful.
Maybe you are trying to protect yourself by writing it off and not getting your hopes up. To be honest lots of these situations do end up with the bloke drifting off so it's not the worst strategy to keep low expectations!

Just to say many people stick pretty religiously to the 'don't double text' rule so it may be that you choose a middle ground of sending a response to his chat but not suggesting a meet. That way it's his 'turn' to reply but the ball is still in his court to suggest something.

I respect those people reading this and rolling their eyes thinking it's a tedious way to spend your time! I agree! But it seems to be the way these things proceed in many cases at the early stages.