AIBU to not see my sister for 6 months?

[sisterldn1]

My sister and I are neighbours, and I look after her kids when she’s working. Even though we are neighbours, I stayed at her house for a week because it was half term and she was working, she has a 10 year old son who mostly lives with his dad but this half term he was staying with his mum. Anyway, I was meant to look after him while she’s at work, on Thursday morning last week she was off and I said to her I’m gonna go home and clean, sort some things out and I will be back at 9am Friday morning. She was meant to leave for work at 8am. She kept asking me to just stay the night instead of coming in the morning, because she doesn’t want her 10 year old son who also have a phone to be alone for an hour. And I kept telling her I want to just go home for one day, and he will be fine for an hour before I come.

Fast forward to 6pm I’m in the shop and on the phone with her, she asked me to buy milk and I said fine, she then asks me again if I can just stay the night and I told her again I just want to stay at my house and clean and sort things out, she goes “ well what have you done all day then? What did you do since 8am this morning and it’s 6pm” I didn’t say anything, on the way to her house I was annoyed because what can’t she accept that I just want to stay at my house for one day? And it’s none of her business what I’ve done. When I got to her house I asked her why does she care what I do all day at my own house? And I don’t like the way she talks to me… she said I remind her of her ex who “likes arguing “ and she got rid of him etc. Every time you talk about how you feelings, or point out something she’s done wrong she always says” you remind me of my ex who like arguing” . She then told me to leave her house, I just left and went home. Mind you, I was meant to be at her house the next morning to look after her son and she texts me couple hours later saying I don’t need to come tomorrow or in the future, and that she’s found childcare for him. She doesn’t want any help from me and she is not gonna help me aswell.
I didn’t respond .

I just don’t understand how you can just treat someone, your own sister like rubbish you’re throwing away? I’ve been there for her when she had problems with her ex, I looked after her kids , I cleaned her house I was there for her day in day out. And she just throws me away and bans me from her house?

And it’s not even been a week and she’s already telling my mum and other sister that I’m a bad aunt, and I don’t even come and see her kids even though we’re not talking? How can I see her kids when she’s banned me from her house? I’m just so hurt by that message, I feel like I don’t mean anything to her, she doesn’t care about my feelings? I done so much for her, and I’ve just feel like she’s thrown me away like rubbish? She always does this to people, she sends them long messages and cuts off contact, and then expect them to chase her. I don’t wanna do that.

AIBU to just focus on myself and not see her for a while? Honestly I don’t even wanna see her til summer.

Just let her get on with her tantrum. She'll likely come back when she needs your help again.
Then you decide whether or not you want to give it. 🤷

You said it yourself, she wants to be chased.

Don't. Don't feed into her.

Just leave her. She's realised she still needs your help but you shouldn't give it. Too much drama

I would leave it. People like this treat other people badly too. So her childcare will eventually drop her too and then she will come running and you can tell her to get stuffed.

She’s treating you like unpaid childcare.

Do you work? I’d be a lot less available to her from now on! Does she help you out at all or is it all you facilitating her childcare?

She's been like this for years with the family, she uses them for childcare then cuts them off and they chase her. Because they want to be a part of the kids life, I honestly thing nobody in our family would bother with her if she didn't have kids. I would never accept payment for looking after her children, she's my sister and I always wanted to be there for her, but it really hurts when you can just be thrown away like nothing. I'm tired of these stupid games. I know she expects me to chase her like the rest of the family, but I just want to teach her a lesson. I want to make her think about what she says to people, and I think she will be surprised if I don't speak to her for months. She needs to learn she can't treat people like this, we're humans we have feelings. My mother wants me to let it go, and see her but I want her to teach her a lesson.

Stick to your guns.

Your sister has shown you quite clearly what she thinks of you. You're only worthwhile when dancing to her tune, the second you stop for any reason and you're the worst sister/aunty/daughter/person in the world and will find any reason to prove this to people in order to justify her being self absorbed.

I witnessed almost the exact same dynamic between two of my sisters. The sister in your position bent over backwards to be a loving aunty and supportive sister, even to the point that our nieces and nephews actually lived with her for sizeable amounts of time when selfish sister 'couldn't cope' aka be a mother and everything wrong in selfish sister's life was someone else's fault...including her emotional aggressive reactions to people saying 'no' or questioning her. To be clear too, she was married to a very supportive man for most of this time so wasn't struggling with trying to handle everything as a single parent.

Every single time the supportive sister did something for herself, which was always a reasonable thing our selfish sister would kick off. Tell her and anyone who would listen how awful an aunty she was, how shitty a sister, how she never wanted to speak to her again, how she wasn't welcome at her home again, etc, etc.

Yet every single time supportive sister would be dragged back in because she was just such a loving, caring person. No matter what she couldn't see the children being let down by their mother and hated when she was cut out of their lives so she'd suck it up and accept whatever crumbs selfish sister would offer...and it would always happen because oddly enough selfish sister would invariably get fed up of being a mother and palm the kids off on supportive sister for months on end again.

This fucked up relationship only stopped when supportive sister died in her early 30s, leaving behind absolutely devastated children because she was a better mother than their actual mother.

Only you can decide what your boundaries should be around this, but try to make your boundaries more around what's good for you if possible. The situation with my sisters didn't really help either of them. Supportive sister would frequently be heartbroken, selfish sister is now completely without support because no one else would put up with her nonsense and frankly she just doesn't want to be a responsible adult.

Personally I wish supportive sister had taken either my approach or that of our sibling. Mine is to be clear I love them all and I'd be involved in a normal way that doesn't adversely affect the lives of my children or me, not being afraid of saying no and detaching with any sign of emotional drama. Our other sibling just cut all contact, but still has a great relationship with the children.

Sending you strength

Do you work, @sisterldn1 ?

I think you need to be much less available to her.

This.

I work from home. I thought of doing that, once we start talking again I don't want to be around her as much, but I need to do it in a way she won't notice other it will just be another drama.

I'm so sorry to hear that, that is so sad 😞. I'm hope you and your family are doing well. But this is how it's always been in my family, she's used to treating people like shit and they bend over backwards to help her. I've said to myself I'm not gonna see her for a while, at least until summer. I know when she cut me off she probably thought I would chase her like the rest of my family, but I'm not. She will be shocked, because this is the first time someone's not chasing her, and just leaving her alone. I honestly don't miss her, I used to be at her house all the time looking after her kids and cleaning, it's nice to get a break and just focus on my things. The only problem is we go to the same gym, so now I have to find a different gym to avoid seeing her 🤣

I find it really sad and embarrassing that things are like this when we live so close to each other. I can see her house from mine.

Thank you, we're getting there but it's bloody difficult because we've lost the heart of our family, she really was the most amazing person.

Please don't be embarrassed that your sister is selfish and self absorbed. You're not responsible for her poor behaviour. The sadness is completely understandable though, this is someone who should have an equally loving and supportive relationship with you - knowing it's one sided hurts a lot.

I also wouldn't change which gym you attend or make a special effort to avoid her, that just adds to her ammunition and entitlement to feeling hard done by (you'd never tell I've been dealing with this for a long time would you?!)

Be superficially polite, like you would any random person you'd bump into, don't be drawn into any arguments and keep the high ground. If she wants a relationship with you, she needs to prove that she really wants one and is worth a second chance...not the other way around. Grey rock method is really handy for this, no escalation, no reaction - just polite levels of input.

You can do this, break the cycle of being apologetic for her behaviour and reclaim your balance in life.

She's now telling other family members that she didn't "mean it like that", when she sent me the text banning me from her house she didn't "mean it like that". If that's the case, then why hasn't she tried to call or text me and apologise? Or say she didn't mean it like that? No she expects me to do that. It's always been like this, the person she's treated like shit has to come to her and apologise and make things better. She will never apologise or make the first move. It's always us, and I'm not doing that. I can't describe to you how I feel, not seeing or speaking to her feels like weight off my shoulder.

My family keeps telling me to go see her for the sake of the kids, I've told them I will do that but not right now. I do miss my nieces and nephew though 😩

I've always been the bigger person, but I'm tired of doing that now. She needs to be taught a lesson.

@sisterldn1 you're already close to giving in!! Find your fire and stay away.

You all sound horribly enmeshed.

I would be thinking about moving away and putting some physical distance between you as it all comes across as unhealthy.