Parents of Year 6 children

[Hullabalooza]

AIBU to ask if anyone else is finding this last year of having your child at primary school is the hardest one yet? Child in question is a dream, but I on the other hand am so worried. How to build independence? How much or little freedom to give them? How to prepare them for entering the snake pit that is high school? Do they go out alone? How do we monitor phone effectively without invading trust? Ugh it’s a constant source of worry.

How are others managing it? As you can probably tell this is oldest child so it’s all new. AIBU to be so stressed? (Don’t worry, it’s very well hidden, I’m easy breezy on the outside)

Snap!!

I'm not ready for this next stage at all even though DD is a really good, sensible kid.

It's just another stage same as all the rest that you have to navigate as a parent. Buckle up for the next few years 😁

i found with my 5 children that year 6 was such a drag because the kids have grown out of it and are ready for more challenge , They dont really do any new work and jsut seem to spend a lot of time revising for SATS

You just have to take a deep breath and trust that you've built good foundations.

Wait until they leave for uni. That's a whole other level of worry!

I don’t worry this much, to be honest. Maybe I don’t think about things enough.

I can't say I'm finding it too challenging (also my oldest, so Year 6 for the first time here). But I think we are quite lucky in that we are in a small village school with quite a solid friendship group (and they are all lovely kids really). With the exception of one or two friends, most of them still don't have phones yet (mine included), so no social media/phone drama as of yet. I think we are probably quite strict in terms of the social media/phone thing, but actually ours have quite a lot of freedom. We live rurally and they roam around between friends houses across the fields and have been for probably 2 years, so some of the independence is not new. We often don't even know where they are and have a WhatsApp group to find them. 😂 Things this year still feel very much the same as they always have. I do expect that things next year will feel quite different though, as going from a rural school with a total of 80 children to a school of 1500 in a nearby town, including taking the bus for the first time ever. So I'm bracing for that!

Hmmm not for any of those reasons weirdly. I’m finding it tough as they’ve been overlooked for so many things and I have no idea why. No accolades - academic or sporting, no house points, no excursions or special anything’s. My child is bright and interested, always at school, responsible and reliable, follows the rules, courteous, I find it bizarre and the further we get into the school year the more irritated I get.

As for the stuff you’ve mentioned They don’t have a phone, so I’m not worried about that yet. They aren’t allowed out alone and haven’t stayed home alone, so not worried about that. They’ll be getting the school coach to and from school and I’ll be there when they get home. The snake pit angle - they can handle themselves thankfully, so not worried about that.

You seem to reflect what I've noticed around here too - there's this vague awareness that the need to allow independence is looming because of secondary, but an absolute fear of how to do it.

Personally, I think you're doing your child a disservice if you'r not proactively getting on top of this now. I also think that while they're still quite young and a bit more willing to listen to you is the time to embed rules and processes so that it becomes normal for them.

So, letting them out. Start with walking to/from school. If you have concerns re road crossing and you haven't already done this, start by letting them "direct" the school run and make all the decisions for you when walking. Then they can go a bit ahead. Then they go alone.

Phones - absolutely I can look at a phone for a child that age at any time I like, for any reason. I told them that I am not particularly interested in the details of their phone conversations r whatever, but I can and will do set checks and they don't get a say. And I did perform those spot checks. (I don't, as a rule, check DS' phone now that he's in year 8, but in theory, the rule is still in place should there be a reason).

Re going out and about. Again, start small - stopping at the park, with some friends, on their way home from school. One rule I was militant about (in Year 5/6 when this was starting) was that he had to tell me if he wanted to do this, who he was with and be home on time. There was a zero tolerance approach to not meeting these basic standards - so home late? No independence for the next week.

As he's got older, these rules have evolved somewhat - he still has to be home on time and he still has to update me on his broader whereabouts, but there's more flex on, for example, when he gets home from school - he doesn't have to be home by exactly 15 minutes post school as I accept that sometimes they're all just lurking outside, hanging out etc. But if he's later than 4pm (school finishes 3:15), I expect a call. Ditto, he if goes out to meet friends to play football and they then decide to go back to someone's house, he calls me to let me know but doesn't have to ask permission or check with me first. If he's heading out for a whole day, he MUST have a fully charged phone with him (I'm less strict, obviously, if he's just heading to a mate's house to hang out).

Ditto public transport. He was desperate to start using the bus. We did a few practice runs. Then he was allowed to take the bus from our house to local town centre (only 15 minutes) but with a friend. He had to call me on arrival. He and his friend DID manage to get lost on their return but he called me, we talked through it and they got on the next bus. Last year he started taking the train one or two stops up or down to meet friends (his school has a large catchment). We had detailed conversations about how this works int he beginning. He was, of course, super casual. He also, of course, landed up on the wrong train. But I expected it so had made it clear that he could ring any time... so he did, we figured it out, and back he got on the right train.

Sorry, just to add, I think the point I'm making is that I allow independence within set guidelines and if they don't meet those standards, it's not that they get punished - it's that I tell them it shows they're not responsible enough for that level of independence and they have to prove to me they can. And similarly, I try to make them understand that if they want independence, and I'm not entirely sure, if I turn out to be right (I often am), that we can work through it together eg with getting on the wrong train or whatever. My goal is for them to feel comfortable calling me or seeking help. DS' friend's mum had such a meltdown if he didn't get it 100% right every time when she finally let him have some independence, that he wouldn't contact her, and it would turn into this vicious cycle of him doing things wrong/getting it wrong and her getting more and more stressed and then punishing him.

Both my DC on the other hand do get it wrong, but have learnt how to deal with it. DD is too young for any real independence but her and DH got separated a few months ago on their way home. She was, naturally, really nervous... but she figured out what to do and found a way to make contact with DH. Basically, I try to teach them resilience and problem solving, rather than expecting everything to go perfectly every time.

I think finding the balance can be quite hard. We put value on building independence so my daughter has learnt how to use the bus by herself, walks home and to school by herself and we leave her at home alone for an hour or so at a time - once or twice a week. We haven't bought her a phone however as I think that brings with it a whole new level of potential problems. We are putting off her having social media, WhatsApp etc for as long as possible! We've agreed a phone when she starts high school but I'll be making it as boring as possible.

I've got a current Y6 and a current Y7. I was quite nervous about my eldest going up to comp because it is so big and she's quite an introverted character. She's also a "marches to the beat of her own drum" type of kid whereas DC2 is more malleable / joins in.
DC1s Y6 seemed to go on for ever. There has been a change in leadership and Y6 staff meaning they are spending less time on SATs prep.
Things I'm glad I did :
Instilled real world independence. Walking places without an adult. How to get a bus, how to use the app to know when the next bus is (there is a bus directly to school but it is sometimes quicker to get one that stops a short walk from school and walk the rest)
Introduced phone use really gradually with a lot of limits. I don't often demand to see it, but they both know it isn't an ask, it is really a demand and if they want to keep the phone they have to comply. I speak nicely but they know the rules. My eldest had to learn a few things about phone etiquette, not because she's rude but because she's a kid navigating a new social landscape; I'm glad we did that in primary where I know all the parents and they know her (stuff like calling someone 10 times when they didn't pick up the first time, not realising this is rude) Phones have downtime in the evening and are left downstairs.
Taught good habits around routine (bag packed, showering, homework etc)
Encouraged trying out lots of clubs.
My fears were unfounded and secondary is much more fun!

Mine is the younger of my two... but its a different ball game this time round.

I've resisted a phone due to knowing what her year group is like... unfortunately there is social media bullying going on already (they needed their first "talk" from school about in Yr4!!!) But she fortunately has matured enough now to know how to avoid the drama. Her elder sister is giving her tips there as well. Fortunately we live somewhere she can be quite free range... she just pops home every hour to check in. She's walked to school from Yr4, and home from Yr5.

Shes also moved up into the older sections of her hobby groups, but will move again in one next year as she has to move into the Girls section (which starts at Yr7, but they move into the older boys section at Yr6... so she's been the only girl in that section this yr with the boys 10-14). So she's used to all that before secondary at least... but its a bit tiring being out to 9pm for her hobbies!

I have a year 5 but feel this pressure building and not looking forward to year 6 and onwards at all 😢

I’m a guide leader with girls this age. Not sure if it’s Covid are just sign of times but they are a lot less ready.
I’d focus on building skills in an age appropriate way not just throwing in deep end in September.
Crossing road/green cross code - so many go by car everywhere and never out alone so haven’t got the skills to safely cross, don’t know not to walk near kerb etc.
Can they speak to adults appropriately -eg could they tell a bus driver if on wrong bus etc.
Simple things like going out without an adult to park, paying for something in shop, ordering food or drink.

My eldest is in Y7 now and I definitely recognise a lot of this, and have also reflected on how we handled last year.

We gave a phone at this point of year 6 BUT we were really clear on the guidelines surrounding it - that nothing private happens on a phone, that it wasn't "his" property and could be removed at any time, that any time we wanted to pick up the phone and look at it we're able to do so, and no apps can be added without our permission. He's taken to it pretty well. He was one of the later kids in his class to get a phone and the first craze/over excitement was over by then. He's also really taken on board that anything you share online can be shared onwards - and he messages on the basis that we might see it any time. No Insta, Snapchat etc and it's locked to him between 9pm and 7am.

He walked to and from school solo in Year 6, and we started letting him go to eg the park with friends with time limits etc - he earned the trust and those outings got longer/further away over time.

Year 6 is such a weird year. Most of the school year is so, so boring because of SATS, and then the buildup of leaving primary and loads of "you won't be able to get away with that in secondary!" and associated horror stories can be really stressful for them. DS's behaviour over the summer was dreadful, after 2 weeks of secondary he'd settled really well and was sweetness and light.

I think on reflection the best thing to do is figure out where you need them to be by September. For us that was walking 15 minutes to and from school, managing a phone responsibly, and confident to go out and about with friends locally including managing money and taking public transport together; he's added taking the bus by himself to social/sporting stuff in the last six months.

The big adjustment for me is not knowing all the parents of his friends!

My year 6 walks to and from school alone across some busy roads, goes to the shop without me to get milk or whatever if I forget it, walks to friends’ houses alone, stays at home alone for an hour. He also has to remember his PE days by himself. I’m a bit agog some Y6 children don’t do any of these things

Yep.

I've been on this for a couple of years.

Going to the shop alone buying everyday groceries that we use for cooking at home

Having a friend to stay over and 'you go ahead to the park, I'll catch you up'

Giving them an increasing amount of time on their own.

We have a dialogue in our house about healthy phone use and risks online, bullying and so on.

When I bought the phone ages 10, I did it because I wanted to have lots of control early on - much harder 11, especially if theyre taking it to school +! Certain things are not allowed - Snapchat.

I love also give my son a fiver and sent him and a friend off to a cafe for a milkshake for a holiday treat.

He also earns pocket money.

I really want him to have a sense of a healthy social life and use of tech.

Next step they can go to cinema on Thier own on the Saturday morning cheap viewing.

Also basic manners, respect, boundaries around physical space, the way we speak to others, what to do if others are mean and how to say 'no' and accepting consequences of actions, what to do in an emergency, who would you go to for help. Doing a basic amount of household chores so participating in household thing, cooking basic meals sometimes.

The big adjustment for me is not knowing all the parents of his friends!

yes! I have a y9 also and this is weird. I have no idea about whose house is whose and I don’t know any mums or anything.

By the time they get to July, they are chomping at the bit and ready.

But yeah if she doesn't already you need to start letting her out more independently. Does she not ever go out with other children? To the park? Walk home from school? My DD had started going into town for an hour or so with her friend on a Saturday afternoon in Year 6.

Also, please don't go into secondary school with the mindset that it's a snake pit. It really isn't for the most part. We had more bitchiness in Year 5 than all the way through secondary.

I wasn't too worried about DD when she was in y6 (now y8) because she's always been independent and sensible, but I worry terribly about DS who is currently in y6. He is neurodiverse (mild, but definitely there!) but awaiting a diagnosis so independence is off the table at the moment since he can't even be trusted to close the door when he leaves the house. Thankfully for me, we don't have to worry about that yet as he will be going to and from secondary school with DD for the next few years and hopefully by that time he'll be better.

I think allowing them to walk to and from primary school alone (or with friends) is always a good start to independence. Mine had a phone so I could track them and they could text me when they were leaving. I found this and then leaving them home alone while waiting for me to finish work was a good step as it was only an hour or so before I returned.

I just want to echo not to view secondary school as a snake pit. I was worried about transition to secondary, I've got a DD who doesn't make friends easily, very sensitive, nerdy, has always struggled with transitions.

Secondary has been the making of her. So much more opportunity. New friends with similar interests. Clubs to join. More in depth learning of subjects that are really interesting rather than endless numeracy and literacy. Teachers that get her and love that she's interested in their subject. School trips. She now gets noticed for her abilities rather than forgotten as one of the quiet kids. It's been absolutely brilliant.

We built on independence in Y6 as others have said and then Y7 comes and they really take off. Things like doing a practice run of journey to school is good. I sent her to the local shop from end of Y5 when she was still young enough that it was exciting. Now she's thoroughly bored of it of course and doesn't want to just pop out and get me some milk.

Can't say I seem to be as worried as you seem to be OP! Just dealing with things as they arise and getting on with life. One can stress to much about things, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

My Y6 boy goes to our local park with his friends by himself and they then walk to one of their houses - or sometimes get the bus a short distance. He can’t walk home from school as we have to drive, but he will pop to the shop for me and I’ll leave him home alone for a short while (an hour tops).

He got a phone for Christmas but it isn’t private; he knows we can look at it any time we want and the only thing he has on there is YouTube music & WhatsApp - no social media for him yet! He’s allowed to reply to messages but not sit on it for ages, and most of the time it’s discarded around the house 😂

I love this age as you can have proper chats with them; he is a lovely little thing and great company. One of our favourite things to do is go for a run and stop for coffee; I hear all the school and football gossip!

When DS was in reception, I got chatting to a woman who had a year 5 child and they were looking at high schools. She told me that one other concerns was that there was a big road to cross if her child went to the local high school. I remember thinking, "I need to make sure that by the time this is us, DS knows how to cross a bloody road."

That's the trick. Teach them. Ensure they know how to navigate basic things like travel, public transport, paying for things, speaking to an adult for help. Put reasonable rules in place and have clear consequences for not meeting those. Feel free to monitor and track their phones for a while. Role play options for solving problems - losing their phone, getting lost, being uncomfortable with the people they're with, bus gets cancelled etc.

I found Year 6 there were some teething issues. And the giddiness of year 7 caused some episodes of silliness. But it settled quickly.

Also agree, high school is amazing. They're so ready by it as most primary schools are still treating them like babies in year 6. Also, certainly in our area, the primary schools tend to very small. The wider pool of children, the extra curricular, even just the wider selection of teachers has been life changing.

My first I was so stressed and slap in the middle of covid didn't help. It has been ok. So stressed with dc2 as he is autistic but he was great too and settled so well.. Most of the high schools around here have lovely induction process for first years. So class meet before school starts then a first year only day, lunches are first years only for the whole of first year.

Mine have phones but no facebook or snap chat -they still have parental controls on them that I can set from my phone to limit usage.

Mine were very innocent due to small sheltered primary so:

Ran through some high school scenarios and how to handle - not using all your money to buy other people stuff, ignoring other people stupid behaviour, coming home and ask if there is slang they didn't understand. etc

Gave all of them a good sex ed talk and consent and appropriate boundaries and keeping safe. I have a chat with them at least once a year especially around phones too - no sending images, upskirting, videoing other people etc

Did practise solo bus runs.

Using bank card - we got rooster cards so they couldn't have them stolen and used by someone else.

Scoped out what school shoes and bags the kids were using.