Friend group dilemma

[Foxforceone]

This might be complicated but will try and be brief. Friendship group of around 10 people (all female) that have known each other for many years, we sporadically meet up for events and get together. Most people are friends through one of the group. She often organised events. A couple of the friends, let’s call them Claire and Sally, have fallen out. They were extremely close, like best friends. Claire recently told Sally she is does not want to be Sally’s friend anymore and that as far as she is concerned the friendship is finished. I don’t know the exact details but think it is years of little things that have not been addressed over years of friendship and have added up, creating resentment and she is holding on to stuff from a very long time ago. Claire has also had fall outs with a couple of other members of the group and is acting odd towards me, perhaps because I also have close friendship with Sally. It’s a mess because it means all future events are called in to question. My AIBU is, I guess, who do I choose? Knowing full well Sally won’t want to come if Claire is coming, she is very upset. Claire seems to think she can just be in the same room but not engage and that will all be okay, I feel this will make everything very uncomfortable for all. There’s lots more involved but it’s long and tedious! This is the crux though, what to do about feuding friends and would we be unreasonable to exclude Claire as she is the instigator of the fallout and most of the troubles between friendships? I kind of think Sally will just not come to anything anymore to try not to cause any issues, whereas Claire will brazen it out. My friend, the one who is organising the next gathering has no idea who to invite and what to do! Any advice would be great, and yes, it does sound like a playground issue. Am very aware of that!

I’d just continue to invite both to the meet ups and it’s up to them if they come. It gets more awkward if Claire or Sally instigate the meetups though.

Invite neither, then you are not taking sides. If they want to come they sort of their differences.

Their disagreement is between them, and nothing you need to get involved in. Invite everyone to group things as usual. It is both the feuding parties' job to decide whether and/or on what terms they will continue to attend or not. Not your job, or anyone else's to borrow trouble or second-guess this.

Well, then Claire or Sally decide who they're inviting and excluding, and other members of the group decide on what they want to do once faced with an actual, specific invitation.

Yes, invite both, it's their issue to sort out.

If you want to you can sit each of them down and explain this...or just rise above it.

I would tell both you aren't getting involved and it's actually very unfair of them to put you in this position. Point out that you don't backstab and you won't be supporting a feud between the two.

On another note, it is interesting that you said Claire has begun to fall out with others. I'd just be wary here as there could be a pattern here and if you let these two dictate , you could find yourself on the outside looking in.

But to some degree that is up to you, you can all still meet Sally 1:1 and carry on inviting her to group stuff. You can also alternate if needed.

I think if you make it clear to Claire that you will alternate meet ups with them if Sally is uncomfortable then she will realise she cant push Sally out by attending and FOMO will push her to find a way to move past things and patch it up.

Invite them both and ignore any drama. This sounds like teenage drama

It is teenage drama. It’s ridiculous. I don’t think there is any hope of them making up sadly, as someone said above. 😔

As everyone else has said, invite them both and let them decide what they are doing. You're spending far too much time thinking about what other people do.

Yes. You can’t dictate how other people react. Other people’s choices and emotions and problems are their own. Keep inviting everyone. These two friends will make their own decisions.

You clearly prefer Claire, but your description of her seems quite contradictory. You say on the one hand that’s she’s empathetic and just ‘wants a quiet life’ but say also that not only did she abruptly end her friendship with Sally but also that she’s also fallen out with others in the group, and is behaving oddly to you because you’re also close to Sally? This doesn’t sound like the behaviour of someone empathetic and seeking a quiet life.

Also, have you mixed up your fake names? In your first post you say Claire wants to continue to go to group events and just ignore Sally, but that Sally is too upset to do this and is likely to drop out. In a later post you have reversed this, and now Sally is the one who wants to go and ignore Claire, but Claire will find this too upsetting…

Yes! Apologies. I have mixed the names up. Sally is empathetic and I do prefer Sally, my friendship is stronger really. TBH I think most people in the group do. Claire is raking up the past a lot and examining friendships and whether she wants to continue them or not. I will m vote both but fear Claire will end up coming because she has massive FOMO. Thanks for all the advice.

I have 30 years of friendships with these people, they have been to my 18th, 21st, wedding, baby naming days, birthdays, holidays abroad, funerals everything. We formally have all got on. I think I may be worrying too much about the implications but it is important to me, to find a way to move forward as upsetting for our group to see a friend so upset.

You are getting confused between Claire and Sally OP, which is only going to make this very confusing.

@TheYearOfSmallThings yes, I’ve apologised and rectified this and will get post removed.

It's incredibly selfish of someone to throw a grenade like this into an established friendship group and expect everyone to carry on regardless. If you do take the "diplomatic route", you're affirming to the trouble-maker that her behaviour is acceptable and there are no repurcussions for her despite what sounds like repeated poor behaviour towards several members of the group. You're setting yourselves up for more drama and poor behaviour from this woman in the future. She should have shut up and cooled off towards the person she had a problem with instead of making a huge drama and putting everyone else into an awkward position.

Personally I'd find her behaviour unacceptable and would likely tell her (but I am pretty forthright like that). I'd get the group together to see if you can present a united front on this and let Claire know you have no intention of excluding Sally from anything, that her behaviour has been unreasonable, give her an opportunity to smooth things over with Sally and anyone else she's behaving like a twat towards, and if she declines, I would probably begin to decline to invite her to future events. Who needs that shit in their lives? Also it's going to be incredibly hurtful to Sally to see people behaving nicely towards Claire when it sounds like Claire is an acknowledged pita.

@purplehotdogs this is it really, in a nutshell. Thank you for putting it so succinctly, I think this is exactly how I feel. It’s all so unnecessary and unfair and do feel that since Claire has made this almost arbitrary decision she is the one who needs to step back really or make it all okay again but I doubt this will happen. I have a sneaky suspicion there’s a bit of narcissism in there somewhere.

We had this situation in our 20+ year friendship group year before last. In the end we all dropped our version of Claire as she made everything awkward and tiresome (plus she was really horrid to me - her last remaining friend after everyone else dropped her), plus we were all close to Sally. Everyone is much happier now and Claire has blocked us all.

I'd just invite the one you like. Life's too short to get embroiled in claires business.

Yes, I am beginning to think this is the answer. I don’t want to pick sides or leave anyone out but I also don’t want to in any way encourage this behaviour because it’s frankly very childish. I think Claire has made her bed.

It sounds so petty and it sounds like you’re kinda involving yourself by calling Claire petty.

Dont get involved, invite them both and let them decide. Don’t inherit problems that aren’t yours.

also, it doesn’t sound like many of you guys like Claire? Poor lass

@Swipernoswipingg hmmm, Claire has made it tricky to like her by her recent actions which all seem unnecessary. She was formally a really lovely person to hang out with but in recent years has changed. I think we are all a little shocked at the way she has behaved towards Sally and are wondering who is next so yes, we have become wary but still want things to be patched up.

@purplehotdogs really nailed this situation.
If both Claire and Sally keep being invited it sounds as if Claire will keep attending and Sally won’t as potentially horrifically awkward way to spend one’s free time.

I would not be surprised if others in the group were a little less enthusiastic about attending group activities/events given the awkward factor.
Sounds horrible OP. Can someone sit Claire down and find out what’s going on for her?

I have tried to email Claire but she didn’t respond. The email she sent to Sally was very final and hurtful. A mutual friend spoke gently to Claire about it but she was firm in her decision and thought it was okay to be at events with Sally and she would just ‘avoid talking to Sally’. But this seems absurd and very uncomfortable for everyone else. Sally is really devastated, a lot of the stuff that Claire is upset about seems very trivial or that she was excluded from things, for example if other members of the group met up separately she was annoyed she was left out. I honestly think it’s all ridiculous stuff, nothing to warrant this behaviour, I can only think there is something that isn’t being said.