To move for better school?

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DD has had a rough time with friendships at primary, constantly excluded by the very few other girls. No one plays with her at school and the parents are mostly too snobby to allow play dates with her. I’ve tried to build friendships outside of school but haven’t found anyone for her to click with. She’s adamant she doesn’t want to change school as she’s resident to change but loves her teachers. She’s fast approaching secondary, she’s an incredibly intelligent kid, very academically minded.

The only schools we’d get her into here are very average/not great, and there’s a lot of kids being bullied and beaten up in one and a lot of drugs in the other.

Theres a town not far away with an outstanding state secondary. Results are very good - best in the entire region, but I don’t know anyone who’s sent kids there or what problems there are or how they are dealt with. But there area as a whole is less troubled.

We are looking to move house - would I be mad to move into catchment for that school? We would struggle to find a nice house in our price range - houses are 40% more there, so it would mean potentially bigger mortgage or lowering living standards.

Its all seriously stressing me out! Feel like I’ve failed so much already with the friendships.

YANBU -move
YABU - stay

I think id move, it's not mad to move into catchment for the good schools at all. Secondary schools and friendships shape you as a teen so if it's financially possible, you were thinking of moving anyway and she's on board then id do it.

I met some friends at the weekend who I haven't seen for a while, they have older kids in a variety of local secondary schools and I was horrified by what is happening in some of them. I'd do anything to avoid sending mine to a couple of them when the time comes.

No school is perfect but long standing, untackled issues with bullying and drugs would be an absolute no for me. Cultural change takes years and strong school leadership - it's not going to be fixed by the summer.

Also, depending on how local the other area is I'd maybe look at joining a few extra curricular clubs in that area now so she can start making a few friends and you can get yo know the parents and start hearing about the school options.

I would definitely move to that catchment in the scenario you describe. You’re moving anyway.

We moved for schools and the relief is immense. We have a higher mortgage because of it but I’d consider downsizing works also make it worth it.

We did, and I don't regret the big mortgage for a second. We're almost done with school, and the mortgage is paid off, so if we decide to move, we will be quids in. House is worth about 150K more than we paid for it.

We’ve got a couple years - she won’t be starting this summer, so long enough to ensure we’ve got time to move. But yes you’re right, cultural changes take years, and I’m not even aware of much effort being put in. I don’t like the town I live in at the moment anyway - but probably too outing to explain why!

Do it. My mum jumped through hoops to get me into a school that was much better than the local ones and I truly believe it changed the course of my life. The difference between the people I met and the lives they lived compared to the people I went to primary with and those that went to the schools they went to was huge. Snobby yes, but I really believe it was a huge sliding doors style moment for me.

Move and make a fresh start

Do what you need to - move, pray. There is nothing more draining than an unhappy child.

If she’s academically minded and bright have you looked at independent schools and scholarships and bursaries? I know no guarantee but might be worth considering as well as moving to better catchment area.

I know you mention snobby friends and play dates and maybe think - absolutely not to private school - but I’ve had children in state and private and in particular one of the privates was the most friendly group. Loads of working parents who support each other (the WhatsApp group is permanently full of “I’m running late can someone grab my child”).

This is 100% the best reason to move house. Why on earth wouldn’t you???

I wouldn't unless you actually want to move anyway (which it seems you do).

It might be worth trying to figure out if your child is doing something which makes her more likely to get left out at school. You say the other parents are 'too snobby' to arrange playdates, but surely they wouldn't arrange playdates regardless if their child doesn't play with/isn't friends with your daughter? It is unfortunate that she's one of only a few girls in her class, if the girls and boys don't hang out and it limits her potential friendships. If you are socially insecure, or status-conscious to the point where you genuinely think that is why other parents don't invite your child on playdates, isn't that likely to be even more of an issue if you move for the better school to a more expensive area, if, as you say, you're going to struggle to afford a 'nice' house, and/or will be seriously compromising your standard of living?

Absolutely move for the better school.

Secondaries are very tricky and if you your child goes to one that doesn't suit them you have a very rough ride.

If it helps think of it at moving there for 7 years and then you can move anywhere else and not care about schools.

We are in an area with two secondary schools where one is more academic than others. Our primary is a feeder school for both. Many parents move during the primary years into the catchment of the more academic school. The catchment for the more academic one is more expensive. So you aren't mad at all given your current catchment secondary sounds terrible. People here pay the premium even for a more academic state school when both are good.

I did and I don't regret it. The school is not perfect by any means, and DC hasn't had a totally smooth ride, but they have had opportunities and developed interests (music/drama) that may well stay with them for life.

I do miss my lovely old house though so my advice would be not to compromise too much on the new house if possible. In my case the new area was about the same price-wise and I made the decision to downsize a bit which I now regret.

There isn't a good reason not to move, you don't like where you live anyway. I f the better school is also in a nicer area, everything will improve - go for it.

Even if the mortgage is a lot more, there is no reason you need to stay in the expensive area after DD leaves school - at that point you can downsize or move to outside the catchment. It might feel less daunting if you view it as shorter term.

Obviously go and visit the school and do some research, ease your DD in by joining something like cubs or a swimming club in that area.

The only thing I would also do is reflect a little bit on the snobby parents comment - is there a chance you write people off or are quick to judgement or aggressive. The only person I know who says things like that could start a fight in an empty room. Even if there is a reason, try to leave that baggage behind you, not take it with you to your fresh start.

Genuinely struggling to understand from your OP why you think anyone would consider you unreasonable to move. It might be trickier to afford it, but it doesn’t sound like it’s actually unaffordable. Your DD going to a much better secondary school, rather than a rubbish one with all those children who excluded her, is the best possible reason to move. If you are worried about doing it now, because it would result in a change of schools - don’t! She’s not really happy right now and she will get over the worry of changing schools and it’s possible she’ll even have a better end to her primary schooling, alongside kids who will go to the same secondary.

She’s what, 9 or 10? I understand wanting to get her on board to ease the transition but the decision is yours so just move her and provide incentives (bribe her!) if necessary. Don’t try to reason it out, she’s too little to understand the consequences of poor schooling and/or remaining with horrid other children! I moved primary at that age, of course I was worried but it was absolutely fine. Lots of kids do it.

OP do you have a partner, what do they say?

In terms of house prices you may find out in the long run a good move. With VAT imminently hitting private school fees, house prices are only likely to go up in good catchment area.

Yes I’m going to look at bursaries- but it would have to be a very good offer for it to work for us!

Yes appreciate the feedback on snobby parents comment - however I’ve never had any issues with the friends I made at baby groups, or with the parents of my other two younger dc, I meet up with them regularly and get on so much better with them!