helping a young lad

[Itsneverenough007]

Please advise dear people - I have taken in a 17 year old lad - he's been abused by his mum and she kicked him out - social services and the school are aware of his home life. He's a friend of one of my children and it's the nicest lad you could meet.
The situation was all rather rushed when he came to stay with us - I think I went into mothering mode as I couldn't believe a mum could treat her child that way - the point in question is my husband - he says that the boy is not our responsibility and that he's not happy about him being here - we have the room and he gets on with my kids - he's settled in well. My husband is ABIT of a jeykell and Hyde character - says one thing one minute then something else another . I can't / won't kick this boy out - think I'd rather get rid of the husband - what are your views?

Tough one

On the one hand you've done an amazing thing taking in a child who needs you
On the other it's your husband's home and well and he deserves a say. However if he 1st agreed and is now backtracking then he's an arse

As in you actually do want to get rid of your husband regardless? The Jekyl and Hyde thing sounds horrible. Do you love your husband still? If not then do get rid. I think what you're doing for the lad is great. Can you get foster carer funding for him? It feels like the lad stays and I guess you tell husband firmly how you feel.

I'm saying this kindly as I work with vulnerable children and understand exactly why you've taken this lad in. But stability and consistency is what he needs now, and if your husband is as you describe, he may not get that in your home.

Refere him back to SS. He is a young person in need. He'll have funding that he can tap into, free education included. At 18 he won't be able to get into the system. He needs that support even if he continues to live in your house. You have no legal connection to him and if things go awry, all you can do is ask him to leave. Better to get him routes of support.

You've sided with an adolescent who may or may not have lied about his mother.

You've sided with a boy rather than your own husband. Presumably your house and home is half yours and his yet you've roughshod over your husband.

It will most likely end in tears when the adolescent gets over his honeymoon period at yours and reverts back to the behaviour he has at home and your home and children are at risk.

I don’t think this is a good environment for a vulnerable young person who would benefit from being in the SS system before turning eighteen.

@Itsneverenough007

firstly think about your marriage & DH. Aside from this decision about the lad, what do you want to do about it??

what is DH's objection to it

• financial now?
• financial in the future (supporting through uni, driving lessons or house deposit in relation to how you can help your own children)
• change in dynamic in the house?
• Something else.

can you get fostering financial help??

Maybe discuss a timeline and an action plan with your husband, he might feel better if you can bring a dose of pragmatism to the table. Then just keep your fingers crossed hope the kid flys under the radar a bit and your husband forgets. Also be prepared for bumps along the way, his mum might be awful but there also might be sides that you’re not seeing

And yes, your husband does get a say about who lives in your joint house.

So you moved another child into your husbands house without consulting him, and are now thinking of kicking out DH because he doesn’t agree?

think I'd rather get rid of the husband - what are your views?

You don't value your marriage or your husband so that's probably the right decision regardless what happens with the 17yo.

If you think there is a problem report it. Otherwise we will assist OP with what sounds a very awkward dh.

OP has talked about her dh in a previous thread, something about a garage key if I rememeber. He had kicked off about it big time.