Payrise and maintenance

[Lillo7]

Keen to hear people's opinions about this.

Two DC, father is married with more children. Mother is single.

Father is not on a great wage however his wife has received several payrises in the years they've been together and works in a professional career which means as a whole their household is quite well off and can afford quite a lot of luxuries.

Maintenance is paid by the father based on his low wage. Mother is struggling a little as also on a lower wage.

Mother argues that they should pay more as a household instead due to wife's higher pay, obviously not officially through CMS as they don't take new partners into account, but morally. Wife disagrees and says what she earns is nothing to do with the mother and is for her household/children/ stepchildren when there, not at their mums.

Father stuck in the middle a bit.

Random poll options

YABU - wife should subsidise higher maintenance.

YANBU - Mother and father should care for their children on their own respective wages and what wife earns is nothing to do with the mother.

"...he's constantly made to feel guilty about anything that doesn't go his exes way."

You have a dh problem. Why does he feel guilty? He needs to man up and put the ex in her place. Unless there's a backstory about some horrible things he's done to her, etc., then he needs to get over the inappropriate guilt. You and he need to have a serious talk, and he might need counseling to understand why she is still able to manipulate his emotions.

It completely depends on whether overall the children have an acceptable standard of living. Adding together mum's house + dad's house. Do they have sufficient food, warmth, adequate clothing, shelter and entertainment in both houses? Are their extracurricular activities and school trips funded? Do they have the school supplies and educational resources they need? Do they get days out and holidays (it doesn't matter at which house)? Do they have a birthday party?

I'm in no way in the 'equalize everything' camp and I don't think the OP should be supporting children that aren't hers, but taking them on an expensive holiday isn't really adequate parenting if actually their other parent is struggling to feed them and keep the house warm.

Even if the children do need more, the courts still won’t make another woman pay for them. They won’t care how much OP earns.

Do they have sufficient food, warmth, adequate clothing, shelter and entertainment in both houses?

But this question never gets asked when the father’s household is the one who is worse off.

No I agree, another woman shouldn’t have to pay. But the dad should want to pay for his children if he can and if he knows they need more, he should try harder.

He won’t. he’ll say “oh the calculator says you can raise my children on £150 per month (or whatever) so that’s all you need” when we know that’s not enough.

It should be. Note the common factor though - an inadequate parent who moves on to their second set of kids without being able properly to provide for all of them.

Look at the present situation - different posters expecting either the ex or the OP to make good any deficiencies in maintenance provided by the father.

His wife shouldn’t have to pay for your children because she is more successful than you and the children’s dad. Have ambition and make yourself more successful if you want money similar to her.

Look at the present situation - different posters expecting either the ex or the OP to make good any deficiencies in maintenance provided by the father.

Where have you decided that there are deficiencies in maintenance provided by the father in this case? Just because the ex wants more doesn’t mean he’s been deficient.

If his kids don't have everything they need, as their parent he needs to sort that out. He is 100% responsible for their wellbeing, just as their other parent is as well.

Again, how do you know they don’t have everything they need?

What deficiencies?
he works and pays. Nowhere is it said that is deficient. His new wife early well and the ex wants some of that. That’s what’s happening here.

If the kids don't have enough, then there are deficiencies and their parents need to provide for them better. That's a joint obligation on both of them - they're both fully responsible for it if the other parent is falling short.

A decent parent can't point to the amount calculated by the CMS and say "see, I pay enough" if actually their kids don't have everything that they need.

@AnneLovesGilbert It is different, but in some ways similar. If the OPs husband gave up work to be a SAHP for her kids, so she could concentrate on her career and for example earn say many thousands more, would it then be right for his CM to drop to zero? Even though their household income would be good?

Doesn’t sound like either parent can increase their wage judging by comments, given what OP said about the dad, and that’s with him having much more time to do all the above.

I do wish people would at least read the Op's posts- her DH and his Ex were never married so all this talk of financial settlements is neither here nor there. It's so common for couples to have DC without marrying, it's just a piece of paper etc, but if you have DC it does matter. If neither of them were big earners then it was always going to be a struggle after they split, but that doesn't make it the Op's duty to fill the gap moneywise. Quite honestly, if they changed it so that a second spouse had to contribute to maintenance I can't see many women being silly enough to marry a man with DC

Why do you say they don’t have enough?

The OP herself has said that the mother is struggling and 'feeling the pinch'. Although has not yet provided further details.

The OP herself has said that the mother is struggling and 'feeling the pinch'.

She said feeling the pinch
not struggling. Not going without. You’re just making that up to justify the dad being at fault here.

No she didn’t.

i bet a sizeable chunk of the country is feeling the pinch, little of which is due to inadequate parenting

I’d be interested to know how much he actually pays. My daughters dad pays £260. Because he’s self employed and lies about his income. Yet he goes away 3/4 times a year, has a new truck every 5 mins and is clearly earning much more. It’s all relevant really.

To be fair, OP did say that

Mother is struggling a little as also on a lower wage.

YANBU