Parents in law expectations

[lizzydriping]

My parents in law have what I feel unreasonable expectations of my partner(48). His mother has asked him to promise to look after his brother (31) if anything happens to them. There is nothing wrong with his brother apart from being lazy and spoiled. He has a well paid job(£40k) works from home( still lives at home) Ha pays £25 per week to live there for everything including for his girlfriend. His mum still makes his lunch!! His sister (27) lives not far from them (2 minute walk) and her boyfriend and her earn £100k. Their parents still pay so much for them including helping with the deposit on their house, doing all the diy and buying/ installing a wood burner as they are” struggling “ . My partner has struggled all his life. We don’t earn much , I work for the NHS on just above minimum wage and my partner was relying on overtime to pay for any extras but that has dried up. Just had to spend nearly £3k on fixing our car so money is really tight. So are we unreasonable in saying no? Why can’t he go to his sister’s as she has a spare bedroom? We don’t even own our home and plan to downsize when our daughter moves out! I’m 55 and I really don’t want his lazy entitled brother living with us, expecting me to clear up after him in my retirement!!

You know the answer to this

And did he promise?

How odd. I thought you were going to say he was disabled and needed carers. Why does he need a promise to be looked after? Does he know his parents are doing this? I’d be horrified if I thought my parents felt they should get a sibling and their partner to agree to take care of me! I wonder what he’d make of it?

No way is a complete sentence!

Why do they think he needs care?

He has said he is never leaving home and his mum does everything for him. She thinks he won’t be able to fend for himself which I think he will struggle. He wastes every penny of his money on gadgets and designer stuff. His sister and him had 2 lots of inheritance of around £40k that he wasted( my partner didn’t get a penny as they are from his stepfather, my partner’s real father left when he was a toddler) any yet the brother still got into debt. His parents paid it off (£9k) and now he is back in debt again!
my partner is a pushover and his mum and stepdad have zero respect for us. We live 15 minutes away and yet they won’t visit us. But they will go to the restaurant in our village that they pass to get to. My partner was close to tears today as he is so down about how they treat him.
i have said over my dead body lol!! But I think my partner is frightened they will cut our daughter from their will. His mum can be very vindictive and has treated him badly when he was younger.
When they go away we look after their dogs, as he might loose them!! And my partner has to check in on him that he has enough food! We were even told we had to have him for dinner one night and he would want an Indian takeout. We did it to be nice, he ordered loads and then said he had no money to pay for it as he had bought new lights for his bloody car!!

Just answer them “of course we’ll all always look out for each other” and leave it at that.

He send to think he can stay in the house when they pass away. His sister has already said she wants her share so she wants it sold. I reminded her that my mum was in a care home that was £1,600 a week after I had been her carer for years. If either of the parents need care it could end with nothing left from the house as she has stated she is not going to be anyone’s carer! And I am definitely it after the way my partner is treated.
His brother could not care less and doesn’t think he gets value for money from his £25 a week. That includes a room with own bathroom, food including takeout and meals out, heating, electricity, water, internet, sky tv, Netflix. I wouldn’t be surprised if his mum doesn’t still pay for his phone as she still pays for his sister’s!!

Is any inheritance really worth all this shit in the meantime?
You're guaranteed nothing remember, and they've already shown how differently DH is treated.

Tbh fook the will. Id say no way he can look after his self...his family sound codependent...not healthy...nor is it fair the way family treats your husband, you and dd. Id forego the will and say my piece. Ive done it with my vindictive mum, not spoken for 9 month...im out of her will and its a relief

He has always said that he would but that his brother is a grown man and that he needs to learn how to be an adult!

Op, you write as though you're a very young woman with no backbone. You know how to say NO, surely.

Why are you so flummoxed over something you know you're not going to do? It doesn't matter what your in-laws think. Your husband's brother is an adult and can fend for himself.

I would just laugh in her face and say “why, what’s wrong with him?”

My partner doesn’t care for us but our daughter loves them all even though they are indifferent to her. When she was little they kept promising they would take her Disney land Florida. She was so excited. They went twice but never took her. Then it was Eurodisney and again never took her. When she was older it was driving lessons and my partner put his foot down and said to stop promising stuff that you don’t intend doing. They then paid for a few but had promised more so we ended up paying when we couldn’t really afford it. Then it was the car insurance. Now she has said that the house will be split between brother, sister and our daughter as they said we don’t need it! We don’t care as we don’t want it but I would like my daughter to have some help as we don’t own so no inheritance from us. All my mums money, plus some of ours went on mums care before she passed. I have older children from a previous marriage and they had inheritance when my ex passed. But I would love to tell them all to go and fuck off and I do believe my partner is close to that now!

This is my partner’s parents asking him not me lol! I’m sorry but it may sound like I have no backbone but I suffer with poor mental health. I have said over my dead body but my partner is intimidated by them. They can be very overbearing and he ends up doing what they want!!
He was a teenager when his brother was born and has always done loads for him.

I understand that , i do. But...i also risked my daughter having nothing in my mums will, she treated my daughter same as your inlaws treat your daughter, i was heartbroken seeing my daughter coming last amongst other grandkids...upset her many times. My daughter is now 33 and we are not in my mums will because i eventually stopped the merry go round...my daughter wont have inheritance from her grandma but she has said she is glad, she owes her nothing now..and she has nothing to do with her. My daughter is happy and is standing on her own 2 feet without help. The will is not worth waiting for

We already know we get nothing

You're teaching your daughter that hollow promises from abusive people allows them to treat her like crap.
Your and your DH must lead by example and protect her from his deranged, poisonous family members.

It’s not just that. My daughter loves them. We don’t let her see the shit my partner puts up with. She visits them but I only go a couple of times a year now. Hubby goes round every now and then but we keep our distance. But I think it is coming to that time.

This is the way.

Why are you giving it so much head space? You can't change your family (in law), you just have to accept them warts and all and plan to always do your own thing.

Stop raging against the 'injustice' of it all and stop trying to get them to become different people!

I see this in my BIL, he's in a similar situation to your DH, his parents are always helping out his siblings, and the siblings are always ready for a handout. BIL has struggled in his life but he has never asked for a penny, and begrudges every single penny that they give to the siblings so has no relationship with them whatsoever... but it's because he doesn't ask for anything out of pride?? It's fucking bonkers! If you want to be a martyr and not ask or accept help when you need it (fully understandable as I'd rather not ask for help) you can't then hold a grudge against the people that do ask for help and receive it in spades! It just breeds resentment. His parents are free to do whatever they like with their money, it shouldn't bother you in the slightest what they do with it? You're just stoking the fire here, you should be the voice of reason and calm for your husband to talk him down not throw petrol on the fire all the time, you're making the problem worse.

So, just say as the poster above and don't give it another thought, you know full well that you'll drop that idiot brother like a hot potato when the time comes, you'll make sure of that (as well you should) but his parents don't need to know that.

You don't know what the future holds, so stop worrying about it all and concentrate on your own family... just smile and nod and do whatever the hell you like anyway.

You can’t put it all in your partner for allowing his parents to treat your daughter like shit though. I’d have cut contact with them years ago over all the constant nasty lies and broken promises to a child. Now years on the nastiness is continuing and affecting future generations of the family. Tell the lot of them to knob off and get on with your lives. Is your daughter’s mental health really worth whatever minor split she may or may not get when they’re dead?

Thanks for your kind words I feel so much better now

They can be very overbearing and he ends up doing what they want!!

They will be a lot less overbearing once dead. So just smile and nod and then, obviously, the brother can look after himself!

Their behaviour is bizarre. You can't change that.
But you can change how you all react.
Withdraw contact for a while and stop wringing your hands about them.
Stand up for yourselves and your DD.

Exactly this. No further comment or discussion required 💁🏼‍♀️.

What a bizarre AIBU. People just want to make drama out of nothing. It’s up to your in-laws how they spend their money while they are around (and what they do for their son). Nobody can compel you to do anything with your money - and especially after they are dead!. Don’t give it anymore headspace.