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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Recently divorced. I’ve asked for a copy of the electronic photos from our 3 decades together and he’s said no

38 replies

Jmob · 18/02/2024 20:26

Didn’t think to include it in the divorce as I just wanted a copy. Hard drive is at the old house we used to share. So he has control of it.

I have no pictures of the kids when they were young as they are all on the drive.

he says they are his. His saved them there etc. but camera was the family camera of which we only had one paid for from the joint account. I don’t want to take them from him. I just want a copy of them.

I can’t get him to see reason. I think it’s just about as vile as can be to not make me a copy. I have photos from my phone for the last 9 years but have no pictures of my kids when they were young. In fact for my eldest. The first picture I have of her she is 17 YO.

am I making an unreasonable request ? I think it’s him being unreasonable but he’s having none of it and has justified it to himself.

any advice

I’ve checked legal position and it’s gonna be expensive to sue for them. So that’s not an option.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 18/02/2024 22:53

DiveBombingSeagull · 18/02/2024 21:03

This is really good advice.

Show quote history

I agree to do this. If you keep asking he will delete them out of spite. He sounds really immature and spiteful. I know what it's like though because immediately after we broke up my exh refused to give me my music discs back. He hated Rod Stewart, Simply Red and various other ones I had. My eldest son told me years later he took them out in his car and threw them out the window into hedges as he drove along. He said he tried to get them back for me but exh said no he wanted me to be without them. I was able to buy more it's harder for you but wait until he goes on holiday and get them copied. He'll never even know.

caringcarer · 18/02/2024 22:55

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/02/2024 21:13

My ex did this. I've got one picture of our son as a newborn. It's devastating. It's so spiteful. He also deleted the last video footage of my mum before she died.

I'd never forgive him for that. The mind boggles how spiteful some ex can be.

Original poster

Jmob · 19/02/2024 05:58

Omg that part about deleting the video. That’s just beyond evil. I’m so sorry. Lots
of comments saying get the kids to take a copy. They would have happily and are also disgusted by his behaviour re this but he has password protected everything so it’s not an option.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jmob · 19/02/2024 06:00

I am really tempted to do this but also worried about the repercussions. It would be a ballsy move.

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 19/02/2024 07:13

If your kids still visit his home, do you think one of them could quickly sneak copies while the other occupies your ex in another room? Kids are pretty tech savvy, they may know his passwords?

The photos are of the kids so partly belong to them surely they can have copies of their own pictures so he can't even say much if one of them paases them on to you, on fact he needn't know.

Buffypaws · 19/02/2024 08:13

So I get he’s being spiteful to you, his ex, as many men are. Is he actually going to keep this going if his kids directly ask him for these pictures? For themselves? Surely if they want the photos he’ll let them see them?

MiltonNorthern · 19/02/2024 08:17

Does he have any social media? Are there photos on there you can screen shot?

PieAndLattes · 19/02/2024 08:24

Octonaut4Life · 18/02/2024 21:31

Politely tell him that if he doesn't send over copies, you will be forced to publicly post on all social media platforms to say that he is refusing to give you photos of your children and ask your friends/family to share any they have so you can build a new collection. Bet he'll rethink exactly how petty his behavior will come across if he thinks everyone will hear about it.

Depends on if your goal is to actually get the photos or to publicly shame him and make yourself look like the lunatic bitter ex at the same time. If your goal is to get the photos (which it is) you need to play the stealthy long game. As a PP suggested, drop it completely, wait until he is out of the house in a few months - preferably on holiday or away for the weekend, and get one of your children to make copies. Hopefully he won’t have password protected them or put them in a hidden folder.

Dbank · 19/02/2024 08:28

No wonder you're divorcing him, what a short sighted idiot. Far better to have said yes, and work to maintain a relationship if only for the sake of the children.

dottiedodah · 19/02/2024 09:58

He is just being petty I think .Dont make a thing of it ATM.As others say he will come round in time ,or you can get photos later on

maudelovesharold · 19/02/2024 10:06

Hopefully he won’t have password protected them or put them in a hidden folder.

I think the op said he had, unfortunately.

skyeisthelimit · 19/02/2024 10:15

XH never asked for any photos after he walked out, but if he had I would have given him copies of the CD's that they were stored on.

He is BVU to not let you have them.

pontipinemum · 19/02/2024 12:10

What a prick! He is only doing that to be mean.

I know very different and not as emotional, but through uni I had a boyfriend for 5 years. We went travelling to a lot of amazing places together. I took all the photos. A few months after we split he asked for the photos, I copied them for him. He had a 'right' to them as much as me

It's a pity he has it password protected, I would also drop it for now. I wonder in a year or so would he give DC* *a copy if they asked? I can't imagine a (reasonable) parent denying that request even if he suspects it is for you

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