I can’t get over a strange family dynamic

[Thunderinsummer]

My DH and I have been together 4 years with a 6 month old. Not exactly long but we moved in during covid and worked with each other prior.

I have 2 older children (8&10) from a previous relationship. I get on okay with the in laws but some of their family dynamic is bizarre to me. Parents openly admit who their fave children and grandchildren are and who will be in the will and out of the will. Bizarre to me but doesn’t affect me so I stay out of it.

BIL has just split up with his gf of 8 or so years she has a 1 year old with him and 2 children from a previous relationship (10&14). BIL used to insist that his parents bought the older 2 children bday and Xmas presents each year. I have previously said I don’t expect presents from them. My children see their dad and his side of the family and get gifts/time with them etc I think it’s unnecessary and as they are older they don’t ‘expect’ gifts from people.

Since BIL has now split up and SIL is being quite nasty about it all. MIL has decided that she has spent far too much money on her (SIL’s) children and will no longer be buying anything for anybody but the grandchildren that make the effort to see her (only two grandchildren are of driving age). This has meant that she didn’t send a card for my daughters birthday. Even though she sent one to my son a month ago. When I asked DH about it the above was her response.

I’m a bit baffled as we always send a birthday card and usually a little birthday video from the kids, we always send a Christmas card and we always receive them too.

DH will absolutely defend MIL and her choices until the day he dies. I don’t get it at all. I get people have favourites but to openly tell people you’re in favour and you’re out. And then to not send a birthday card to an 8 year old because a grown woman has wronged her son. It’s all a bit too melodramatic for me and quite frankly I’m cross about it. I think I just need to get over it as I can’t see any way of it changing.

Anyone any advice?

YANBU. Stop sending birthday cards. Leave DH to it!

"DH will absolutely defend MIL and her choices until the day he dies."
I agree with chiwwy - it is now your husband's responsibility to "make the effort" that his mother thinks is her due. If she's going to play games, I'm going to sit on the sidelines and play no part.

Yup, two can play at that game. I wouldn’t spend a penny or a moment on her, let DH get on with it.

Leave it all to your DH

I think I know where she is coming from in her broader thinking. The challenge with marking a effort and treating step grandchildren like grandchildren is in the event of relationship breakdown , it's likely they will rarely see each other. I can see how that is very hurtful on both sides and I understand her not wanting to invest emotionally again just in case. If it's just meanness though than that's horrible.

It does sound like your daughter does have good relationship with her father and his family though so at least she doesn't need another 'gran'.

Back away fast. My ils were frankly bloody awful. Can't remember them leaving my dc out when me and dh had 3...wouldn't have been with dh and accepted less.

Try to look on the plus sides.

Plus 1. You don't need to worry about what she's thinking. She'll tell you.

Plus 2. She's batshit crazy so what she's thinking doesn't matter. (Feel free to share that with your kids when you think they're old enough.!)

Plus 3. She not your mum therefore not your problem.

It's all good!

@Crazycrazylady
She does not need another gran and we’ve never treat them that way but what bothers me most I think is that she has stuck all of us ‘son/daughter in laws’ in one basket and aren’t bothered because we might not be here forever!

I suppose I’m thinking too far ahead and potentially making problems in my own head if the youngest thinks why does grandma get me presents but not even send a card to my siblings?

It will be what it will be needs to be my mantra!

She absolutely does tell anyone whether they want it or not what she thinks 🤣

Wow, they do sound full of drama.

I do in a way see that it could seem very .... overwhelming? maybe? to keep establishing relationships with these various kids and step-kids kids and such, when it seems likely they will eventually break down or just disappear out of your life.

Some families, when people describe them, are so full of multiple kids with different mums and dads and partners coming in and out of the family, it's like a merry go round. And tbh I am not sure it's great for the kids to be told these people are their grandparents/aunts/uncles, or they need to be treated the same as those kids who are blood relations.

I know that seems cold, and I know lots of families where they are more stable and step kids get a lot out of the relationships. But where the situation seems more unstable, it almost sets kids up in a dynamic where "family" is just bunch of unreliable people who may or may not be around in 5 or 10 years.

She sounds very egocentric. I'd minimise time spent with her and tell her you're not interested if she tries to discuss her will or anything of that nature.

When your LO is slightly older, hopefully you'll be able to send your OH along and stay home with the other two and then you'll have to see her even less.

This - don't get involved,

Sounds more a toxic dynamic than a strange one.

@TempestTost My older children don’t call them anything other than their names. They understand exactly who family is and what their relationship is with them. I am just baffled that a grown woman would behave like this?

It’s not really a big deal but I feel unfairly ‘punished’ by having children before my now DH.

Deep breath, in my experience many MIL’s on the husbands side are batshit crazy and unfortunately all we can do is ignore their bullshit. I agree it’s a strange dynamic and I can see why you would be hurt on your children’s behalf but it’s down to your OH to raise this

So what has your son done extra to deserve a card that your daughter hasn't? Does your DD not accompany you when you visit MIL?

Im with PP's and would be making zero effort with her in future and let her beloved son (who can't see anything wrong) do all the running with biting presents and sending cards to her.