Am I just a rebound?

[MmmMmmWentTheLittleGreenFrog]

The background is that we became friends when his ex was pregnant. They were very rocky and living in different cities at the time. They had previously been together for 12 years. His son was born in April 2022. Initially he was travelling back and forth and spending the odd night with his ex and son, to give support to his ex in the initial stages of the baby being born and to spend time with his son. However when his son was around 4/5 months old, they began using a contact centre to facilitate contact between my partner and his son, as him and his ex were unable to spend time together due to high levels of conflict between them. I know that it wasn't due to abuse or anything, I saw messages between them. If anything, he claims she has mental health issues and was emotionally abusive towards him, however I have no proof of that.

Anyway, my partner and I got together when his son was around 4 months old. Things progressed quickly and I fell pregnant a few months later. We went on to buy a house and our child has just been born. My partner is still involved with his son, he adores him and sees him every other weekend, collecting him from the contact centre on a Saturday and he stays with us until the Monday, where he is collected at the contact centre by his mum. Him and ex haven't had contact with one another for around a year, son will be 2 in April. Bar the odd text message regarding if son has been unwell etc.

Things are going great, he's a fabulous father to our little one, very engaged and suportive. He truly is a lovely man. However I'm not sure if I'm just being insecure due to hormones but increasingly over the past few weeks, I've been worrying about being his rebound and things not working out between us.

I don't even know what I'm asking tbh. I'm so happy with our relationship. He says he is and I've not seen anything to make me doubt that. But I can't get this feeling out of my head that I'm a rebound and he's going to leave us and go back to the ex. Or regret how fast things moved between us. Am I being unreasonable?

It's still early days, you'll just have to take him at face value. It's the crazy ex, yet only contact once a fortnight that would have me on my guard.

It would be rude to write what I really think but the whole situation is insane and completely of your own making.

Please be honest. I won't take it as rude, I honestly do want honest opinions. My head is all over the place

The mum works full time Monday - Friday while the little one is at nursery, so is unwilling to give contact to my partner every weekend as she wants to spend time with her son herself, understandably. And they have to work within the hours of the contact centre. Plus he lives over an hour away. So that's about all that he can do, contact wise.

Did his ex move an hour away? Is there a plan that his annual leave will be used for contact?

Sorry my first reply was probably too harsh. Apologies.

I just think that having a baby and buying a house with a man who thinks it's a good idea to have 2 children, with 2 different women in less than 2 years, doesn't seem like the wisest choice.

It's all very rushed and I would be concerned that you don't really know him well enough to have made such big life choices. Why the rush?

He also describes his ex as having mental health issues. You have nonidea what went on there but men who speak badly about their ex are always a concern.

I think there's no change of him going back to his ex, I would be more concerned that there could be a 3rd baby with a third woman within another 2 years.

I honestly hope I am just incredibly judgmental and really wrong.

Yes, his ex moved back to her hometown where her support system is. He hasn't mentioned using annual leave for contact.

Or regret how fast things moved between us.

Bogging yourself down by regret is wasting a lot of emotional energy, don't you think?

Yes, you moved very, very fast, it was really quite bonkers, but what's done is done, and ruminating over it is quite pointless now.

You have a child, you say he's a good man and a good father, so why not focus on the here and now and work hard to create a brilliant future for your family?

That's where I would focus my energies.

Yes sorry - I think you are the rebound. I know someone who did this with his rebound and has kids with them now - it’s not a very happy marriage unfortunately. Just be careful. Everyone’s situation is different. Good luck.

I don't mind harsh/brutally honest replies, I knew I was posting on AIBU!

The rush was due to me being 42. Kind of now or never for a baby.

I know that I don't know about the ex having mental health issues, she could be perfectly nice for all I know.

That's my fear, him going back to his ex. She also came up in my 'people you might know' on Facebook, I couldn't help but have a nose. I saw pics of her when she'd just had the baby, she didn't look great. However in the couple of years since they've broken up, she really seems to have been working on herself, she seems to spend a good bit of time in the gym and she's absolutely stunning. My jaw drooped when i saw the pics. I know he wanted things to work with her but there were just constant arguments etc. I just worry that he'll regret things moving so fast with us and realise that he should've stuck things out with his ex in the hope that they would've worked

Yes but it's very unlikely he'd go back to her and had you met first this maybe wouldn't have happened. I'd say it's a good sign he's using the contact centre instead of giving up. And you're happy. So just carry on. If he does turn out to do the same again you can't do anything about it. Hopefully he won't, your relationship is not the same.

This relationship is completely doomed.
You know you are a rebound and are paranoid he will end up back with his ex. Somewhere deep down you know he isn't over her and you are trying to convince yourself otherwise.

You are now comparing your looks to her and it can only get worse and eat away at your self esteem.

Do yourself a favour and live by yourself with your child and be happy, no man is worth this mental gymnastics

Missed they'd been together for 12 yrs. So he's not generally a player or a shit, more like the last chance pregnancy which actually broke their relationship.

Well, he has a messy relationship history and doesn’t seem to understand the concept of contraception, but who knows really.

Just make sure you’re not financially dependent on him and see what happens.

I mean this is entirely normal bloke behaviour though? Staying with not the one because it's easy then leaving either without kids or as they have one. Usually the next marriage is fast and absolutely fine because its not just staying where its easy but an active choice to marry and have babies.
Often long term relationships where there is a whole decade without kids then fail. Because you wouldn't expect it to take so long if they wanted the full marriage forever thing.

It took them a decade to have their son as she had been pregnant a few times but miscarried.

You said you were happy in the relationship so chill. Until he gives you evidence you are a rebound or he isn't so into you just chill out

So the baby wasn’t an accident? And you’re 42 years old and juvenile enough to be monitoring your boyfriend’s ex’s appearance on social media?

Christ - thst's pretty judgemental- you seem very certain about advising someone to break up based on a few hundred words which incluse NOTHING about her partner actually doing anything wrong in this relationship.

I think as they'd been together a long time and tried a long time for the baby that it's likely that the stressor of infertility was what did for them and has nothing to do with him being a player or feckless or whatever. This doesn't read like a classic rebound to me; should you have waited to have a baby yourself? Probably, but at 42 I understand why you didn't. It doesn't sound like he's going to try and win her back to me, try and relax and enjoy having a baby with someone that it sounds like you love.

They were together a long time tried for a baby over a long period then successfully had a baby why were they living in separate cities? Maybe it was a blip they might have got back together so yes I think you are the rebound but due to your age it sounds like he was your last chance saloon for a baby. It’s hardly loves young dream for either of you is it?

They were very much on and off and on off at the end. During the pregnancy, she moved back home as things weren't working.

Certainly not loves young dream, I'm aware he has baggage.

I'm always wary of men who talk about their ex's 'mental health' problems.

Still, it doesn't sound like a rebound. Many relationships are over long before the split.

I don't think it was a rebound situation. I think it's more that you realise you made a rather rash decision and are now questioning your choices. Did he know you were trying to get pregnant?

Who made the contact centre requirement- find that very odd

Do they have to pay for it?

Are you certain it’s contact centre drop off?