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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop ex from having DD

26 replies

MissNP196 · 18/02/2024 19:22

I have an 18 month old with my ex and she goes to his house every Saturday.

He refuses to come on time and can sometimes be up to an hour late picking her up, often making me late to things I have arranged. He also will not stick to the agreed time to drop her back home and just brings her back whenever he pleases. Last week he dropped her home at 11pm. He will not give any details in regards to where he's taking her and I never know what's going on.

He text me last minute yesterday saying he wouldn't be able to have DD due to "not having time" and asked if he could have her today instead, which I agreed to. However, he refused to tell me what time he will drop her home and now I'm sitting here full of anxiety not knowing when my 1 year old will return home.

Would I be unreasonable to stop contact until I can pursue this through the courts and get a proper plan in place?

OP posts:
CacenCaws · 18/02/2024 19:25

Not unreasonable at all

W0tnow · 18/02/2024 19:27

Not unreasonable

RandomMess · 18/02/2024 19:29

Not unreasonable at all.

CAO all the way.

Sherbonla · 18/02/2024 19:30

Not unreasonable at all!
Also 11pm is ridiculous for a child of that age.
Have you tried speaking to him about it?

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 18/02/2024 19:31

As he isn't behaving with dd's best interests here tell him he needs to attend mediation or court..... And claim cms. He doesn't get to swerve that.

millymollymoomoo · 18/02/2024 19:33

Well personally I’d say yes I reasonable

Nagado · 18/02/2024 19:35

The only place an 18 month old should be at 11pm is tucked up in bed. He’s being completely irresponsible and putting his wants before her needs. It would be a very good idea to get a formal agreement drawn up by the courts.

sparkellie · 18/02/2024 19:35

Nope, get a contact order in place. I wish I had done the same. He is just using her to control your time. He knows you can't do anything with your child free time if you have to be at home in case he brings her home.
I'm lucky in that my ex only has my kids one day a week, but his choosing to keep bringing them home later than agreed has an impact on my life he doesn't have the right to any more. The only reason I haven't gotten a contact order is that my kids are a lot older, and I shouldn't have to put up with his crap much longer before they can be left to choose for themselves.

Iam4eels · 18/02/2024 19:36

Presuming he isn't violent and there isn't a history of abuse, you need to sit down with him and come up with written arrangements detailing who has DD, when, what time she is picked up and dropped off, etc. There are apps you can use with shared calendars and messaging that would help you with this.

If this doesn't work or he refuses, then mediation would be the next step (again presuming no violence/abuse). It's cheaper and faster than court and can help you agree a way forwards.

If neither of those work or neither is an option then, yes, court for a contact order that sets out who has her and when and under what circumstances.

And I agree about CMS, make sure you're getting what your DD is due.

Original poster
MissNP196 · 18/02/2024 19:39

Sherbonla · 18/02/2024 19:30

Not unreasonable at all!
Also 11pm is ridiculous for a child of that age.
Have you tried speaking to him about it?

I have tried to speak to him and he just says he only gets one day a week with his child so he should be able to spend as much time with her without sticking to agreed times

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 18/02/2024 19:42

What is best for your child?

Allofaflutter · 18/02/2024 19:44

It’s not about what is best for him. It’s about the child’s needs. Which this isn’t. Tell him it’s 9-6 or nothing. If he’s not there by 9:30 he doesn’t get the baby. If the baby isn’t home by 6 then no more contact until a court orders it,

Original poster
MissNP196 · 18/02/2024 19:45

missmollygreen · 18/02/2024 19:42

What is best for your child?

To not be out until 11pm!

OP posts:
NamingConundrum · 18/02/2024 19:46

By all means get a court order but don't assume will be a 'fix all'. He can still not turn up on time/miss contact etc. It may also include stipulations about him having her for special occasions like alternate christmas and birthdays. Start being stricter with him as a first step. If he misses contact don't agree to an alternative. He's missed it. If he's more than 30 min late with no contact? Go out! He's missed it. Stop pandering to him. He doesn't agree to a home time? She doesn't go. Spell out in writing that it's inappropriate for him to bring back at 11, keeps a diary of him being late etc. Then in court you can show you tried and he's the dickhead. Don't tell him you have plans if he's doing it to dick about with you.

BonheursTrousers · 18/02/2024 19:49

11pm? What an arsehole, sorry op I can see why he’s an ex. Definitely let him get a court order if he wants contact (I bet he won’t bother) and claim cms. He’s doing this to make you anxious and to control your time.

Feel so sorry for your DD, she must feel so wrecked and exhausted by the time she’s dropped off

LittleOwl153 · 18/02/2024 19:56

Is he brining her home AWAKE at 11pm? I can't imagine how watching her sleep is getting the best time with her... and if he is keeping her awake he clearly doesn't have her best interests at heart does he.

Also I would agree a pick up time. Give him 15 minutes, then go out. Tell him you'll see him next week as he hasn't shown up. He'll learn.

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 20:10

God what a twat. Sorry he's being like this OP.

Don't argue with him tonight though, get her sorted once she's home and then contact him tomorrow.

If you message to ask what time she'll be home is he likely to respond?

Original poster
MissNP196 · 18/02/2024 20:11

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 20:10

God what a twat. Sorry he's being like this OP.

Don't argue with him tonight though, get her sorted once she's home and then contact him tomorrow.

If you message to ask what time she'll be home is he likely to respond?

I've already asked what time she'll be home and he responded "don't know" 🙄

OP posts:
AlexaPlaySomeHappyHardcore · 18/02/2024 20:15

What is best for the OP’s child is a set routine with her parents (so collected at a regular time each contact visit) and to be safely tucked up in bed asleep at 11pm.

You’re not unreasonable at all.

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 20:19

Ok. He's definitely doing this to get at you with a response like that.

So long as you're happy she's safe with him then keep calm for this evening.

And screenshot all his messages incase you need to share with social services etc.

🌺

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 20:21

How long have you been separated and doing Saturday visits?

RatatouillePie · 18/02/2024 20:22

You need to be assertive and firm with him.

Its 9am until 6pm and these times must be stuck to within 15 minutes.

If he can't do this then access will need to be supervised until he can prove himself to be more reliable.

I'd make this clear and if he fails to stick to the times next weekend then access stops.

Kids need a bed time routine. 11pm is a joke!

RandomMess · 18/02/2024 20:26

Start using one of the court approved/admissible parenting apps. All communication regarding DD on there from now on.

I would say it's great you want to spend more time with DD how about a mid week overnight as well as Saturdays?

He probably won't want that but demonstrate you are willing to coparent and facilitate contact whilst he proves it's about dicking you around at DDs expense.

forgivemysillyq · 18/02/2024 20:30

Why don't you text him to ask "what time will she be home?" then depends on what he responds:
a) no response for a couple of hours or just a "some time in the afternoon" then respond "ok I can do between 4 and 5 but no earlier and later" and if he tries to bring her outside that time or agrees and is then late, then you've got a written record of him being difficult which will hopefully help to sway child arrangements in a way that you want (presumably more time for you with your daughter)
b) if he gives you a time then you have a time

Nicole1111 · 18/02/2024 21:07

It’s absolutely appropriate to stop someone who can’t put your child’s needs before their own from having contact unless he can stick to the rules.
Was there domestic abuse in your relationship? I wonder if this is his way of having some control over you.