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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend thinks it's an excuse, I'm not sure.

53 replies

Wirralconvert · 18/02/2024 15:44

We were talking at work on Thursday, my friend got turned down by a man she liked there because apparently he absolutely refuses to date colleagues. A few of us were confused because he seemed keen on her and really went out of his way to talk to her. It's an office of over 100 people and they're in separate teams/in on separate days.
Anyway she thinks it's an excuse, I'm not 100% sure myself. Apparently he was quite adamant about it being a no go for him. In any case we've advised her to move on. Would you reject someone you liked if you happened to work in the same place? (Not even together) i think a lot of people meet at work.

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 18/02/2024 16:05

The grand total of 3 times (very low given it's a heavily male environment!), I was asked out my colleagues, I said I don't date people from work. It's the easiest response.

I might have said yes if I was actually interested.

He's not interested.

LauderSyme · 18/02/2024 16:06

Is your friend @Pizzaholic33 by any chance? If she is, tell her I feel for her, as she is obviously totally bitten by the lovebug with this guy.

Non-requited love is painful, perhaps especially so when the other party has been sending mixed signals and one finds it hard to understand their feelings and motivations. Rejection for any reason hurts. Give her Flowers from me.

Original poster
Wirralconvert · 18/02/2024 16:07

LauderSyme · 18/02/2024 16:06

Is your friend @Pizzaholic33 by any chance? If she is, tell her I feel for her, as she is obviously totally bitten by the lovebug with this guy.

Non-requited love is painful, perhaps especially so when the other party has been sending mixed signals and one finds it hard to understand their feelings and motivations. Rejection for any reason hurts. Give her Flowers from me.

I don't think she's on here, but who knows 🤔
I don't know much about the guy, I've never even spoken to him. But that's good of you to say. :)

OP posts:
frogswimming · 18/02/2024 17:35

Why does it matter? He's not interested. She needs to move on. Dwelling on it is time wasting.

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 18/02/2024 17:46

Most of our department are married or in long relationships with each other . I'm not sure if I'd want to do it though

JMSA · 18/02/2024 17:49

Unless we were in completely different departments and unlikely to ever bump into each other, I'd hate to date someone at work.

Livelovebehappy · 18/02/2024 17:51

I think I’d be reluctant to date someone I work with just for the reason that if it didn’t work out it could make working alongside an ex very awkward. I’ve seen it happen.

BobbyBiscuits · 18/02/2024 17:54

He's in a relationship already? No-one would have a strict self imposed rule about not dating a 'colleague' who is actually just a fellow employee as they do not work together in any shape or form. I'm presuming he has his reasons. It's not worth it for her to keep pushing it if he's very clearly said no thanks. He might not even be straight or just does not like her in a romantic way.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/02/2024 17:58

No-one would have a strict self imposed rule about not dating a 'colleague' who is actually just a fellow employee as they do not work together in any shape or form.

I have that exact rule, lol. I don't want to have to deal with any potential gossip, awkwardness or drama around our relationship. I like work/home to be completely separate.

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2024 18:04

If he really seemed keen on her and went out of her way to talk to him, then it probably is an excuse.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 18/02/2024 18:08

I don’t date people I work with.

But I don’t think it matters. He doesn’t want to date her. The reason doesn’t matter

PhoenixStarbeamer · 18/02/2024 19:54

Sounds like he was just being kind and saying he doesn't date colleagues rather than say he's realised he does not want to date her.

Dagnabit · 19/02/2024 10:37

I met my husband at work, we worked in different teams. Luckily it worked out because our teams have amalgamated to one large team so would be awkward if we split! But in answer to your question, no it wouldn’t be an issue for me.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 19/02/2024 13:20

He's just not into her. It's a pretty solid excuse though.

OhmygodDont · 19/02/2024 13:28

Lot of people don’t. Mix work and home. Prior to dh deciding to come off social media totally he refused to add anyone from work unless he had known them prior to work so where actual friends. I’ve only one person from work on mine and again I’ve known them since before working together.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/02/2024 13:29

I'm married but my colleague tells me that it's a no go at our place now and actually not allowed. I think it was a hotbed of affairs before though 🤣

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/02/2024 13:30

In fact one couple do work here. She worked here before and then he joined and he said they asked him about it at interview like what was the likelihood of them breaking up and would it affect the work

DistingusedSocialCommentator · 19/02/2024 13:33

Sorry, but a big LOL
The work affairs I heard about, all of them, did not end well at all.
One even got sacked for fighting because this member of staff went out with the other staff members, after a couple of months parted ways then the ex met another at work and the first partner could not take it and gradually things bolied over the top - I missed the fight as we all worked flexi hours and this was after 4pm

AliasGrape · 19/02/2024 13:35

Possibly an excuse, maybe he’s had a bad experience in a previous workplace, maybe he’s been up to all sorts at this workplace and been warned to keep it in his pants, maybe he’s actually married but just enjoys a workplace flirt - actually maybe he’s single but just enjoys a workplace flirt!

I’ve worked in some pretty incestuous workplaces in the past but I couldn’t be doing with all that now!

Foxblue · 19/02/2024 13:36

This is a great example of how warped romance is sometimes.
He said no, it doesn't matter what the 'excuse' is. If he said 'sorry, I'm not interested in dating you' - while honest, and something personally I'd be fine with hearing, there are SO MANY PEOPLE out there who wouldn't be able to just brush it off and move on, and would turn it into a big offence or drama.
Damned if you do, dammed if you don't.

Rainbowshine · 19/02/2024 13:52

I wonder if you know what function he works in? I am in HR and I have a strong separation between personal and professional, I have to in order to survive and stay sane. A lot of people would also speculate about what information might be shared etc. It’s just best all round. I really dislike work teams that treat the company as a dating opportunity, but that’s because I see a lot of risk in the behaviour and have to clear up the mess that it creates for the business.

Original poster
Wirralconvert · 19/02/2024 18:58

All I know is that he said to her he and other friends of his have had poor experiences of it in the past and it's a no go for him. However most here seem to think it's an excuse. Poor her.. she's brushed it off, I mean she hasn't spoken to him since luckily.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 19/02/2024 19:03

I think many people have that rule in general but if they met someone they really fancied and saw a future with, then the rule would broken fast. So he could be lying about it rather than saying he doesn't fancy her, or he could be saying he has a rule and he doesn't fancier her enough to break it. Either way, the result is the same. He isn't interested in dating her.

JovialNickname · 19/02/2024 19:09

I wish that I could tell, and that women would believe, this one rule on MN. And this is HE IS DOING THIS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. He is appearing not interested in her because he is not interested in her. He doesn't like her. End of. It's not work turning them into star crossed lovers; and there is no angst or conflict. This concept does not exist for men. He just doesn't want her.

The sooner women start to accept that men only do what they want to do, all the time, and accept that this is the reason for most poor male behaviour, the better off we will be.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/02/2024 19:10

I think if he really, really liked her he would say fuck it and abandon the rule. But he probably does keep to the rule in general, even when he meets a likeable and attractive woman who would be worth a date if he met her in another context. So basically he doesn't like her enough to take the risk.

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