To ask why my husband finds things so difficult that I find so easy?

[Cocteautwin6]

Some context: we’re currently clearing our house out getting ready to move and it is a stressful time. Our son is also 2.5 and fully immersed in the terrible twos. We have very little help with childcare due to my mum being disabled and MIL living far away.

We've been going through a rough patch recently due to these stresses and my husband disliking his job. His employers are very inflexible so as I WFH more I have been getting on with chores he can’t do in the week, plus I do condensed hours so I can look after my son once a fortnight (he is in nursery almost full time). However today my mum offered to help with our son while we cleared more stuff out.

Now, my mum is perpetually ill (she is still recovering from a heart attack and is not the most mobile) so I didn’t take this too seriously. However I guess my husband did. We made good progress though prior to my mum’s arrival today and had cleared out the dreaded desk drawers (full of crap) and I’d done a charity shop run. When my mum arrived I sat with her and helped looking after my son, doing crafts etc, but he is non-stop at the moment and was too much for her to handle. She also told me (in earshot of husband) that she’s got a UTI and couldn’t stay long.

while this was going on, my husband carried on sorting stuff but was clearly annoyed, to the point where as my mum was leaving he was shouting at our son, and short with me. When she left I asked him if I could help and what the problem was and he said he was annoyed I hadn’t helped more. I kind of lost my temper at that point, which I’m not proud of as our son was there, but I just found him so unreasonable. He’s now thankfully taken my son out and I am doing another tip run. (Great weekend!)

I just feel like he leans on me too much sometimes and whenever I question it he just gets seriously affronted and somehow ends up the victim. I am really struggling anyway as am trying to taper off antidepressants so this has not helped. Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?

Of your struggling with tampering off your meds perhaps you should speak to your GP.

From his POV your mum was coming round to look after your child and therefore he probably expected you to help him clear things
He doesn't know what your thinking and vice versa.

Cant the clearing be done when your child is in bed? Does it really take both of you? Can't you clear and he play with child for an hour and then you swap?

My GP actually recommended I taper off faster, I’ve slowed down as was having trouble. So I don’t think they can help much. But yeah, I take your point about him perceiving the situation differently.

It really doesn’t take two of us though I’d say, and we’d already got most of it done this morning.

I also think he has different expectations of what you would be doing today and that confusion has caused his annoyance. As you say, you are short with him as you are coming off meds so that won’t have helped either.

So your mum offered to look after ds so you could both crack on. He assumed she would look after ds and you would help.

Except you spent time with your mum also looking after ds. Then your mum left quickly.

He is annoyed that you didn’t help and that your mum came to look after ds for you to help but didn’t.

i can see why he is annoyed. Not sure why this become ‘why am I better at certain things’

Yes this.

Sounds like your mum coming over was more of a hindrance than a help so I can see why he was frustrated.

Why did your mum offer to help with DS if she's not capable of it?

I’m confused - what does he find difficult that you find easy?

Not a very nice title OP & your post doesn't really explain it. Maybe he does less as you give him the impression you're better. The situation with your mother was frustrating surely you can see that. More of a hindrance.

Do you mean just generally rolling with things and being patient with children and multitasking looking after a child with getting stuff done?

My husband is not as good as me at this either. He gets annoyed with me for not cleaning as much as he thinks I should in the week (with a 4 y old and baby, 7 yo at school) and says he can clean the whole house on a Saturday morning with all kids, but I've come home at the end of those Saturday mornings and all the kids are crying and he's angry. Plus it's not the whole house, just the bits he thinks are important.

Annoying.

Honestly if the tasks can be done solo, you and dh just need to tag team it - one of you take ds out for 2-3 hours in the morning, back for a quick lunch then the other one takes him out in the afternoon.

It's a pain when there's no one able to truly help, but I can see how frustrating it must have been for him to watch 2 adults mind 1 child.

If the 2yo was too much for your DM couldn't she have helped fold/sort/dust or whatever to help in a different way? Or she should have just called off sick.

Yes, exactly this, I find it easier to multitask and ‘get shit done’ even with my son there, although I guess I’ve had more experience of it.

My mum is generally quite unreliable and often cancels last minute etc - was half expecting her to do that today! Agree he probs saw that as a hindrance.

I have apologised to my partner now, we are going through a seriously challenging time right now which is easy to minimize when you’re in the midst of it. Thank you for the perspective, Mumsnwtters.

I’m not getting what he finds difficult that you find easy. It sounds as though you find it difficult to be direct. To say ‘no, mum, thanks for the offer but you need to rest up’ rather than letting her come over despite knowing she was too unwell to help. Or to communicate to your DH that you were not going to be able to do much of the moving / sorting as your mum couldn’t do childcare on her own.

You were expecting him to be listening in on your conversation with your mother & concluding that because she had a UTI she wouldn’t be able to help in the way she had expressly volunteered and come over to help, and understanding why you weren’t doing what he’d expected you would both be doing that day.

You’re giving him a hard time without recognising your part in the situation.

You may feel you're better at multitasking, he may feel he's better at something else. Your mother seems to have been more of a hindrance than a help.

There's a reason that moving house is listed as one of the top five stressors in our lives. Both of you need to take a big breath, have a chat, and be kind to one another.

You've apologised & made up. Great, but now you need to discuss how best to tackle things going forward.

some people women on the whole find it easier to handle a child & getting on with things. Some people mostly men are unable to do this. I think it's just who you are, not something that's a choice.

I have terrible brain fog these days and find it harder than I used to, to multi task.

You need to work with how he is, not how you wish him to be.

rather than doing one job together, I'd do separate one & get on in your own ways.

I have to say, it would annoy me if your mum coming around was sold to me as coming to help & it ended with you doing nothing instead. You'd have got more done if she hadn't come around.

is there a friend teenager you could pay to come around and look after DS while you get the sorting/packing done?

Thanks for that. We have a very reliable babysitter who can help, good call.

It sounds like a low level misunderstanding made a thousand times worse by the fact you're both tired and stressed.

You should both go easy on yourselves and each other. Remember that this was mostly a communication issue and work together to improve this.

I don’t think the title of this OP matches the OP.

My advice would be to chuck half of your stuff away before you move and not fill up every available space in your new house.

Tidying away is so much easier if every cupboard has free space.

Did you actually read the OP?

We made good progress though prior to my mum’s arrival today and had cleared out the dreaded desk drawers (full of crap) and I’d done a charity shop run

However today my mum offered to help with our son while we cleared more stuff out.

When my mum arrived I sat with her and helped looking after my son, doing crafts etc,

I can see his point.
From that first sentence, I, to would have expected you to have been helping with the declutter.