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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about DH reaction to ex pregnancy

28 replies

PickAPair · 18/02/2024 14:47

Been with DH 10 years.

He has one big ex who was still in regular/drunken contact when we got together. Caused a lot of issues at start. She is very beautiful and DH worshipped her. V toxic off/on relationship but I told him if he wanted to be with me he had to stop contact, which he did.

He says she is "mad" "destructive" , she was violent, got personality disorder etc.

She has not come up in conversation for years. Now she is pregnant and DH found out. He told me this saying stuff like "the poor baby, I can't believe it, she will be the worst mum in the world, probably neglect her child" and he seems quite upset about it

I said "you haven't seen her for 8 years. give the poor girl a break"

And he is mad at me. Saying I'm insensitive. She is a perpetrator and I'm implying she might have changed and I don't know what I'm talking about

I just feel miffed he was upset about it. But also he talks like he knows her when it's been a decade.

Should I just have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
AnnieBuddyHere · 18/02/2024 14:50

Sounds like he still holds a special thing for her to be honest.

WestendGrrls · 18/02/2024 14:51

Yeah probably a few sympathetic mmms and nods would have sufficed. Weird that he is still so hung up about her all these years later. Did she dump him?

IncognitoUsername · 18/02/2024 14:52

I’d be concerned that he still has feelings for her - why is he bothered otherwise? And how did he ‘find out’?

Testina · 18/02/2024 14:52

So she’s bad enough that you made him cut contact, and now you’re the one that wants to say, “oh she might have changed”?
Yeah, YABU.
You said have listened, let him get it out of his system (it might be 8 years, but it’s OK for him to still have a reaction). Then you should have told him that if he has genuine and specific reasons to believe a child would be in danger, he can speak to the NSPCC. Then, move on.

It was not OK to say, “oh that person who was abusive to you probably isn’t really abusive”. Undermining his experience, much?

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 14:53

Toner eight years is a long time to have changed. Tell him to get over himself.

Original poster
PickAPair · 18/02/2024 14:53

He says he feels "upset for the baby only". He got really irritated when I said he didn't know her anymore and had no idea what kind of mum she'd be.

He said "you wouldn't say that if you'd have an abusive partner - they are who they are and you're being so insensitive"

OP posts:
Midnlghtrain · 18/02/2024 14:55

PickAPair · 18/02/2024 14:53

He says he feels "upset for the baby only". He got really irritated when I said he didn't know her anymore and had no idea what kind of mum she'd be.

He said "you wouldn't say that if you'd have an abusive partner - they are who they are and you're being so insensitive"

I kind of agree with him 🤷

If you'd been battered by your violent ex, found out they were having a kid (any amount of time later) then you'd probably feel very sorry for the child. That's quite a normal reaction to me!

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/02/2024 14:56

She was so abusive and awful he was happy staying in touch with her until you asked him not to?

I’d be as unimpressed as you are. Fishy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/02/2024 14:57

Midnlghtrain · 18/02/2024 14:55

I kind of agree with him 🤷

If you'd been battered by your violent ex, found out they were having a kid (any amount of time later) then you'd probably feel very sorry for the child. That's quite a normal reaction to me!

Show quote history

But he’d chosen to be in frequent drunken contact with her even when he was dating OP, to the extent it was causing issues between them. He needs to get his story straight.

FirstTimeMum887 · 18/02/2024 14:58

He's weirdly hung up on her, isn't he?

I mean, I broke up with my exH 6 years ago. If I heard he is having a baby, I think I'd have some mixed emotions about it somehow although I wouldn't verbalise it and it would take me a whole 5 minutes to get over it. Some people can have a lasting impression on your life but his reaction is weird. It's like he is still justifying why he is not with her.

Midnlghtrain · 18/02/2024 14:59

@AnneLovesGilbert

Lots of people struggle to walk away from relationships even if they're terribly abusive / toxic - that's not something massively strange? You see it all the time on here, people fully aware they're with someone abusive but unable to cut ties fully.

Quitelikeit · 18/02/2024 14:59

You both should let sleeping dogs lie.

Talking about this woman will never lead to anything positive so leave her in the past.

Original poster
PickAPair · 18/02/2024 15:00

He says she was still controlling and abusing him when we first met. And that's why he felt he had to pick up her calls.

I do see things from his view. Maybe I shouldn't have reacted like that. He just seemed upset about something that is nothing to do with him. And him saying "she will neglect the baby" about a woman he hasn't seen in a decade...seemed a bit ridiculous to me

OP posts:
FUPAgirl · 18/02/2024 15:01

She abused him. He has every right to have serious concerns for the welfare of the baby.

samestyle · 18/02/2024 15:04

He says she was still controlling and abusing him when we first met. And that's why he felt he had to pick up her calls.

Men come up with all sorts of excuses that they must keep in touch with an ex, but the brutal truth is because he wanted to and was still attached to her.
He's feeling bitter now she's moved on with a baby on the way.

Yazzado · 18/02/2024 15:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mmmarmalade · 18/02/2024 15:12

How's exactly did DH find out if he's not in contact with her - through following her on social media?

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2024 15:15

You brought it up, didn’t like the response, so now just leave it and move on.

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/02/2024 15:25

He sounds obsessed with her. Whether it's love or hate obsessing, he should probably talk it through with a therapist

Original poster
PickAPair · 18/02/2024 15:34

I said to him "feels like you hold a flame for her even after all these years". And he laughed. Said "couldn't be further from the truth. She abused me for years and I've been with you for a decade. Trust me, the suggestion is ridiculous. I'm just miffed that someone that violent and unwell is having a baby. If the sexes were reversed you would be so insulted right now"

To be fair she hasn't come up in conversation for years. An old friend mentioned it on a night out. My DH doesn't have social media

OP posts:
Original poster
PickAPair · 18/02/2024 15:35

I feel like maybe I've been a dick

OP posts:
Gazelda · 18/02/2024 15:37

Taking what he's said about her at face value, I think that maybe you minimised what she did to him. He describes quite an abusive relationship and you've essentially said "she might not be that bad".

And if the relationship affected him so much at the time, is it understandable that significant news about his ex has triggered emotion in him?

I do think that you're right to think this shouldn't be affecting him. But if it was as toxic as he suggests, then perhaps he didn't really process it and recover properly before starting his relationship with you.

We've all got a past. And the oddest events can bring back memories that affect us in unexpected ways. I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that he's regretting not still being with her.

Gazelda · 18/02/2024 15:39

PickAPair · 18/02/2024 15:35

I feel like maybe I've been a dick

No, no, no! Just talk with him. Say you've reflected and had forgotten how destructive his relationship with ex was. Sympathise with his thoughts. Give him a hug. Move on.

oakleaffy · 18/02/2024 15:45

I had an ex obsessed with his violent and abusive girlfriend.
Sounds like he still is morbidly obsessed with her especially if she is attractive physically.

He need never have picked up phone to her.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/02/2024 15:54

I've said a similar thing about a psycho ex friend from 15 years ago hearing that she had a baby recently I don't think she's changed much and I do feel sorry for the baby!