No room, no assets AIBU to feel like a failure?

[blossmgrl]

Hi, struggling with my life situation.

I have two teenage sons and im a single parent on UC, work full time income equals outgoings if I allow zero for clothes, entertainment or anything other than bills and food. I have an old friend here as a lodger and have rented out my bedroom to do this and convert the sitting room to my bedroom at night, and back again in the mornings. I'm 52 and just struggle with keeping my spirit up, Sunday blues I guess.Visited a friend who is comfortably off who really chewed my ear about getting out dating and how I deserve better. Since the lodger moved in it's the first time in 3 years that I can break even and it will take me a good year or more to clear my arrears on things. I'm getting swallowed up by how useless I feel, how degraded I feel. I was proud of how resourceful I am, and how I make good of a difficult time but now I feel like I'm just kidding myself. My time is filled with working and cooking and keeping the house nice, I'm lonely really. I have some things of minimal value I could sell and I really struggle with listing and describing and valuing them. I do have friends but this is an isolating situation as you can imagine and no one really wants to hold space in times like this when I'm struggling. I know it's all a matter of perspective, I have my physical health and a working car, nice neighbours and a view, my family / mum are 300 miles away. I know it's not forever. I'm so stuck with thinking my way forward, considering it's my brain that sewed the life choices that got me here.

The AIBu is to ask, how does this read to you please? What way forward?

Thanks you x

What do you do for work? Is there any way of bringing more money in? Do the kids father support them at all? If the answer is no then sadly you may need to ask your kids when they are old enough to get a weekend job that will bring some extra cash in

How old are the teens? Where is their Dad in this - have you always had to struggle on your own?
I don’t think you ABU to feel that it’s an uphill struggle and well done for taking in the lodger to try to improve your situation.

Aw love that sounds hard! Could you increase your income in any way? Can thr kids get a part time job to provide their own pocket money?

The way I read this is is that way. Please, stop making everything about money and how that makes you feel. This is never ending joy sucker and won't lead anywhere.

What about if you never meet someone and what about if your financial life will always be humble? Would you allow yourself negative self view just because of this?!

You have made a good financial choice in having a lodger to bring more money in. You are using the money to pay off some arrears. Again another good financial choice. As you say, it's not forever. When the arrears are paid off you can choose to either cancel the lodger and move back into your bedroom. Even if you cancel the lodger things shouldn't be as tight as they are now.
The only caution I would add is that I know nothing about any tax or other implications of having a lodger. Do you own or rent? If renting would this be considered sub letting? Do make sure you have checked every implication.
Could you put an advert in a local shop window to do a bit of cleaning or babysitting. These little jobs are often cash in hand .. especially babysitting as it's often done by teenagers. Thinking of that, any chance the teens could get a little job. Even if it's for their own expenses it takes a little bit of the load off you and is good training for them in managing on a tight budget.
Hang on in there op. These are tough times and teenagers add their own challenges to a difficult situation. Been there when younger. Keep focusing on that it won't be forever.💐

Sounds really tricky, OP. Your life is rich in lots of ways - your children, your friends.

How old are your sons? Once they get over 16, they can get a part-time job and contribute - even if it’s only a small amount. They will be old enough to understand that your income doesn’t stretch to any extras.
Once they’ve left home, you can get a lodger in one of their bedrooms, and have the other bedroom to yourself. OR downsize. Think of getting a nice little cottage or flat somewhere and having more financial freedom.

If you work full-time but still get UC I wonder if there’s a higher paid sector you could move into?

It sounds like you're doing a lot and that things will get easier when your DS start earning/contributing or leave home. Don't compare yourself to your better off friend - or at least balance that by comparing yourself with your other friend who's got less than you so is lodging in your house (not judging them - thank god you got a good lodger, just saying at least you're not having to lodge as well). You're making things work for your family. It's not ideal and having to give up your bedroom is tough, but you should be proud of yourself not feeling a failure and a good friend wouldn't want you to feel that way at all.

When I read you're renting your bedroom to an old friend, I was impressed at how resourceful you are. And you're helping your friend out too in a time when housing is so difficult to come by. Be proud of yourself for that.

Encourage your teens to see this as a team effort where you all muck in keeping the house clean and tidy and cooking so that you're not the house elf.

Well you have taken steps to pay off your debts by making a difficult decision and depriving yourself of your bedroom. I can only applaud you for doing something so difficult. I think you are perfectly entitled to feel a bit wobbly having given up your room. It must be very hard not having your own space.

I am in your age range as are the majority of my friends. It is very apparent now how much harder life is financially for anyone single especially single with children is. I also think at this stage of life there is very much a panic on the last good years left having decent mobility and energy. Plus the hormones are running out and women’s bodies are going through a lot of stresses and strains.

Unless you really don’t like and need the stuff don’t sell your stuff. It’s a bad time to sell stuff but a good time to buy stuff.

Does their Dad contribute at all? Any chance of revisiting maintenance levels paid? Boys do eat crazy amounts of food as teens, I remember my food bills being much higher when DS was a teen and growing.

I think the friend was probably meaning well, but it really wasn't what you needed right now.

You have made a really sensible decision in trying to increase your income via having the lodger. Try to keep that in mind. Would it help to have a calendar and tick off goals on it - for example a countdown to when you will have made a certain amount from the rent? Or have a Blue-Peter style funding 'thermometer' in a notebook?

You should absolutely pursue child support from the children's father.

I think the babysitting idea is a good one. There's always a demand for it! You can probably pick and choose what would suit you best e.g. only families where the children are ready for bed, or only families with older children. If you have your own car you will definitely be in demand, as teen babysitters always need taking home.

Look at other sources of support. Council cost of living fund? Or ask to speak to school in confidence - they may be able to refer you to another service.

Often there are local charitable trusts/grants available for anyone who is struggling. One near me gives out grants to families - all you have to do is apply. Sometimes these are child-focused, for example for school uniform, books or sports equipment.

Were any of your family (father, mother, grandparents?) in a particular trade or perhaps the armed forces? There are benevolent funds for everything from grocers, to nurses, to printers...These organisations don't just assist the person who was in the trade, they will help family members too.

If you message me with your local area and any family trades, I can look up some ideas for you.

Since the lodger moved in it's the first time in 3 years that I can break even and it will take me a good year or more to clear my arrears on things.

This is great. Well done. Keep going clearing those arrears.

Your friend is misguided, I think. Of course you can go dating as much as anyone else, if you want to. But do you want to, or is she just projecting?

Some women can't live without a man and therefore presume it's a matter of self confidence, and everyone should be out there looking for one. That's very far from true.

Working and making arrangements to be more secure financially is a far more sensible use of your time.

Two teenage sons won't be an expense for ever. Meanwhile you should be very proud of your work supporting them. Try not to take this friend too seriously.

Each reply here is dearly received and I'm actually taken aback with the kindness and wisdom and I've read all your comments several times.

You've made a heavy day less so, and thank you for restoring some of my prouder thoughts to my inner voice. I keep trusting and remain hopeful.

I have to be squeaky clean with earnings, the lodger was me looking in the hardest to reach places to increase my income, I've become too adept at squeaking through and thank you for mentioning funds and grants, I'm in Cornwall in a kind community so these are talked about and shared, I keep my ear to the ground. Dad is professionally sick, and pays £23 a month - which is his statutory obligation for both boys. He's not kind or generous but does give the boys lifts. He's the reason I would do nothing to compromise myself.

Youngest is being taken on as the funding comes in for his voluntary role to be paid at a place where he goes to do his sport, eldest is job hunting and talking of joining up.

I'm a teacher, my biggest problem has been that both boys have additional needs and I did supply work around them. Not earning in the holidays was crippling. Ive taken a full time role in a 1:1 school so although the days are tough and long the workload is manageable. My lodger has known the boys for many years and helps with some of the things I used to have to be here for - mostly getting out the house on time.

In some ways it works well, but only if I keep my attitude right. These past few days have been rough mostly because of my friend's ear worms and because I let her in.

Pressed send too soon - just to say thank you and to send you all some of these

I think you sound brilliant. You read about so many women living off a man's dime, you're ploughing your own way and its hard but you're doing it. You sound resourceful and copped on, there's light at the end of the tunnel, just carry on and be patient. Lean on your friends...it can be nice to feel needed xx

You sound like such a strong and lovely person.

The reason you're in this position really is the fault of governments, greedy corporations and your rather useless ex.

I can't see any bad decisions you've made. It seems you have two sons with their heads screwed on and I can see by your posts this hasn't defeated you.

In just two years you could be in a very different position. Arrears will be paid off. You can build some small savings to take away that awful fear I know so well of living from one payday to the next. You will see your sons growing in their careers. It's not unreasonable to hope a new government may make changes which make things better. With the boys older you might have space to take on a promotion of some kind or additional responsibilities.

You might even set up a business offering tutoring to local children in your area with emotional or behavioural difficulties.

I truly think the hardest is behind you. And you've done just wonderfully.

You're doing the right thing and when your debts are paid off, you'll feel a great sense of achievement. You could try tutoring? One to one tutoring, or a small group once or twice a week, you can charge a lot for that, you can also do it online from home, or teaching English as a Foreign language online. I know someone that tutors small groups of children and she makes a fortune and has expanded, taking on other tutors to help!

You're an amazing mother and I bet you're a wonderful teacher too. I'm so sorry that life has been such a financial struggle for you but look at where you are heading! You're on your way back up with your resourcefulness and I genuinely take my hat off to you. Be kind to yourself. xx