Remembering lost loved ones

[Polly345]

Do you do anything to recognise the anniversaries of loved ones who have died?
Do you acknowledge the day that would have been their birthday etc?
At the beginning I used to take flowers to the place where my Mum's ashes were scattered. I think I remembered her birthday too.
It's been 22 years now.
I smile as I remember her birthday and I might buy myself flowers on the day she passed away.
My AÍBU is
Am I being unreasonable because a friend messages me every year around her birthday to say she knows it's coming up. I know she means well but it feels like it brings back memories that I have left behind. (My mum died very suddenly and was very depressed just before she died.)
My dad also used to message me and tell me when it was their wedding anniversary. Thankfully he has now stopped doing this.
I know she probably means well but I really want to ask her to stop.
My Mum used to tell me that grief should only be at the forefront of your life for a certain time and then you should let your loved ones be at peace.
I agree with this but my friend mentioning it feels like opening up an old wound.

Apologies didn't mean to add voting.
Please don't add unless you want to

I can understand your feelings on this. I have a friend similar who feels a bit like they have a duty (or calendar reminder!) to message me around the time my mum died. I do still sometimes do a post on social media, but not every year like I used to. I've had a more recent loss and have posted on her birthday and anniversary of her death this year as I do still think of her every day and it can be hard to hold it in, so the days I am "allowed" to openly think of her I take.

I would say you could just drop her a message saying that she doesn't need to do the messages every year but you appreciate the support she's given you over the years. I know what you mean about the old wound, and if you don't get the "hit" of it you immediately feel guilty, as if you should have been thinking about it.

Speak to her saying what you have put in your OP. "I know you mean well, but can you please stop because it feels like you are opening an old wound every time".

I do remember lost friends and family, but sometimes just very simply like lighting a candle for them on their birthday.

Thanks Sarah, it's so kind of you to remember every year. Honestly it's been so long now that her birthday and anniversary aren't difficult days for me any more and in truth they haven't been for a good while now. I just like to remember the good times year round now rather than focusing on the sad bits.

How are you? I saw blah blah blah.

Might take a couple of tries but she'll get the hint.

My dad died suddenly nearly 7 years ago.

His birthday and his anniversary are only a few weeks apart. So around that time I try and do something "nice" to remember him. Quite often I get a takeaway curry! Curries were his absolute favourite food.
This coming year includes his 70th birthday. So I will almost certainly do a social media post on that day to remember and celebrate him.

I also tend to buy myself a bunch of flowers for fathers day.

I do not do this. Dead is gone forever.

I don't like to mark those days, death date, birthdays. It just makes me unhappy. And I hate others bringing it up.
I want to enjoy happy memories when they come up and think of them then.