Creative types more likely to end up alone?

[AbeSimpsonsWhiskeySour]

I read something recently about the link between being creative and being more likely to either live alone or struggle with interpersonal relationships and it really resonated with me.
I've been out of a relationship for about a year. Even when I've been in relationships, I've wanted to have my own life, own friends, go on holidays on my own, own finances. I find it hard to give up my independence and let people in.
For me, my life is so chaotic and it's hard to change my unpredictability and current interests to suit someone else. I can't imagine successfully being able to do this. Even things like the other person expecting you to sit down to eat with them, or watch TV. I don't think I'm selfless enough to allow that if I'm really into doing something else.
Anyone else relate? And no I'm not autistic. I know there is an overlap in terms of traits but I know autism and it's not that.

I have lots of friends who are 'creative types' who haven't had problems being in relationships. It sounds like you value your independence more than having or being with a partner (nothing wrong in that). I think it's quite lucky to happily enjoy your own company. Your 2nd paragraph: chaotic life / unpredictability / being very involved in current interests / not sitting down to eat or watch TV with others - sounds very like my DS with ADHD.

I disagree - there will be someone out there whose lifestyle will click with yours prefectly and they will not demand you to do anything differently.

I think it limits your creativity though, having to be in sync with someone else.

Nah I think there are other people out there who also want a partner who makes minimal demands on them and are very independent.

But relationships also involve some sacrifice, DH hates horror movies but will suffer through one for me etc. We can only function as a couple because we let each other choose occasionally, neither of us always gets their own way all the time.

I don’t think it’s creativity thats the issue it’s more unwillingness to make any personal sacrifice (however small). Personally I think if you are happy and satisfied with your life and you feel that you are living the life you want ,then there isn’t a problem. I also think it’s more about personality than anything else.

Eh? I have been married over 25 years and have my own friends and go on holidays and hobby trips on my own. We do have joint finances and eat meals together.

The creative people I know who are single have other issues relating to trauma, mental health or / and addiction and it’s those who get in the way of successful relationships.

I did a degree in a creative subject and worked in a creative industry.

Im 60. Been with Dh 25 years.

Exbf 12 years.

You’ve been reading some crap. All the people l went to university with and worked with were married unless they were very young.

I’m not sure what you mean by in synch, quite a few women in my family travel without their husbands or go to different things football vs theatre. You don’t have to be superglued together.

Dunno about this. Relationships usually involve adapting to one another. The triathletes I know stopped when they coupled up and had families. They just didn’t have time for all that training!

I'm a creative type and haven't found this, and tbh I love sitting on the sofa watching tv with my partner as a touchstone for normality amidst all the unpredictables. Likewise I tend to see things working out better when one partner isn't a creative, where they respect and support the other's creative work but have a steady job and less volatile situation overall. That's my situation and I've seen it work well with others too - musician/solicitor, writer/dentist etc.

That tends to work out better than, say, relationships between two actors where both have the creative life issues and may have to be more self-focused in some ways. Although I also know very happy actor couples where it works out fine.

What you're talking about feels like you need a lot of independence to the point of needing to prioritise yourself in a way that I can see would be a challenge for a partner unless you lucked out, which you could. I don't know that it's about the creativity, that's not been my experience, but I know we can be annoying to put up with sometimes for sure, so patience in a partner is very high on the list!

The 'creative types' I know tend to be in relationships with other creative types (usually working in different areas though) and the handful who aren't have very steady and calm partners. Quite often there is a hobby/interest overlap. They don't all live chaotic lives though.

You have to compromise on everything for a relationship. It’s a bit pretentious to say it limits creativity.

Does having a relationship limit the ability to do Maths or medicine?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow it was a sort of study of the lives of prominent artists and writers of the nineteenth and twentieth century. So maybe not directly comparable to modern life.

My husband is the creative one we have been together over 25 years

I think it limits your creativity though, having to be in sync with someone else.

Limits can make you more creative though. When I had kids, I got way more focused and productive than when I had all the time in the world to be inspired.

I also think the biggest limit on a creative life now (and in centuries past) is having to pay the bills and by god having a good partner with a steady job who believes in you and gets the ebbs and flows of our income helps hugely.

I don't think the study you're talking about would compare to now overall. Not least because women found it nigh on impossible to live and work as an artist with all the sexist strictures in societies. Not saying that's all fixed by a long way, but I've had way more opportunities than women in the past to have a partner, kids, and a creative career. It's never easy, but it's not comparable to the 19th century when I'd likely have had to work in the mill!

What I dont really understand on MN and IRL is the idea that once you are in a relationship or married, you have to do everything together. I do stuff with DH but also have my own interests. I have been taking at least 1 solo holiday every year since we were married, often more.

I am an artist, I am also in a relationship and I do go on holidays, to museums and high brow cinemas without my partner. We still do a lot of stuff together like cooking, eating, day trips, silly films and hiking. It doesn’t affect my creativity in a negative way. In fact, I often get ideas by talking to him. He is as far from creativity as you can be.
Previously, I was in a relationship with a novelist and he definitely needed a cat rather than a girlfriend. He very much would rather lock himself in his office for a week writhing than do anything with anyone. I guess he sounds more like you but not all creatives are like that.

OP doy you actually want a relationship?

Otherwise I would say, you just haven't found the right one yet!

@DancefloorAcrobatics no not really, I just wonder if I ever will or will ever be able to tolerate living with someone again.

I also think the biggest limitation on a creative life is having to pay the bills, which is why I have a day job and I create on the side.

@Sususudio I have a day job too, and kids, so I guess that's why I'm more protective about my free time and don't want to waste it.

Sounds like you've fallen for the "myth of genuis".

https://www.eyemagazine.com/feature/article/the-myth-of-genius

The idea of the artist as a lone creative spark is relatively modern and constructed. Plenty of creative people thrive with discipline and order as a framework to get sh*t done.

That said, the compromises of being in a partnership or a family restrict the time you can put into solo "achievement", whatever that is for you. So yes, perhaps the artist with a family achieves less just as the triathalonist, programmer, entrepreneur, accountant and so on achieve less if they have less time to devote to their thing. But that's not a "creatives" thing, that's just a time thing.

I've been with my DH since I was 17. I studied, went on holidays with friends, go out at weekends with friends, work, go on family holidays without him sometimes, and sometimes he joins in for some of the above. I don't feel like being with him stifles me in any way. I think the people you're thinking of, might be the same people who think they can't go out drinking or with friends anymore because they are in a relationship, so it's no wonder they feel stifled. To me, I just live my own life and my DH enhances it. I don't have kids though.

I think being a creative and being independent are 2 very different things.

Im to some extent a creative type - it often means I’m doing different projects, alongside working and raising my DD.Even the way I parent my DD is different to most (apparently) but I found it was important for me to explore myself and to not be limited by someone else. But I still need to be around people.

At the same time I am independent and know what I want. I believe most serious relationships need compromise and until you are at the stage where you can give something up to make both of your lives work together, there will always be some friction and the blame may fall on the one on the relationship still holding onto independence. I personally do feel independent women may struggle more to find a partner to “settle” with.

I have creative friends who have found their match and often grow in creativity together. I have friends that are not creative but just independent and want to focus on themselves for a while before letting anyone in. Some people are both.

I was single for a long time and met someone who is actually the opposite to me - very structured and homey but understands my needs. As I run my own business too he understand that my timetable is a little different. But I am more likely to compromise and be more structured at this point in my life than I was 5 years ago. This was something I really had to learn. We both take eachother into each others worlds.

Like many have said, you probably haven’t found the right one yet. And you probably are really enjoying your independence right now - which I think is a good thing.

If/when you want a relationship it’s important to make sure that the person you are with sees you for who you are.

I think it is less about creatives per se and more about the absorbtion and single mindedness it takes to become successful, especially in a creative field.

Those who suceed do so because they prioritise it over everything else in their life. That means relationships often fail unless their partner is also willing to suborn their needs to the ambitions of their partner.