What are my options- DH

[thetruthandthelie]

It's 3am and I- as per usual- can not sleep, contemplating the next move.
Been with my DH 15y. 2 DC (10 and 13y). DH works hard, about 60-70hw. I am working almost FT, but in a minimum-paid job, which I love. I do not have enough education, experience to get a better paid job.
We have 2 houses, both with mortgage, one- buy to let. Unfortunately, that's where good things end.
My DH spends a lot of our money on supporting his adult nephews, who are all in their 20-30, married with children. One of them is living in our other house and hasn't paid rent 4 months now. Also, 2y ago DH took a car on finance (without telling me!) for the nephew, and nephew stopped paying car loan after 4 months, so my DH has been paying £640 every month since November 2022, with another year to go. The car was bought when nephew had good job, but he lost that and his life has gone downhill since. Also, last 2 months my DH paid 2 lots of bailiffs for the nephews car penalties to the tune of £1800 both times. We have no money to spare ourselves, I am saving every penny I can, yet, my DH feels that he 'has to help family'. I am absolutely fed up with all of this!
What are my options? I am pretty sure I will not be able to survive on my salary with 2 DCs, even DH will pay me maintenance. Both mortgages are fixed for the next 3 years and to remortgage now (and share 1 house each) would be total madness. Yet, I can not live like that anymore! DH is incapable of saying no to any of his nephews when they come to him with yet another 'problem'- and always will be supporting them. I am thinking of divorce, but I am frightened of the future, as I wouldn't be able to pay mortgage and bill on my own.
What would you do in my situation?

Is there a cultural element here op? I know a family like this, they are of Pakistani heritage and the bloke in question is sort of the "head" of the extended family, in his case the nephews are his younger brothers sons and there's this cultural expectation he'll support them all financially etc.

What are the nephews parents doing? Are they not able to help them?

This feels like an issue you two can talk over and compromise on. But if you are thinking of divorce, you'll get by on your wages. Remember, you'll get half of what you two own together currently and, most likely, will get child maintenance from him as well.

Yes, cultural element, I think. He is from Albania.
My DH is youngest in his family. The 'boys' are his oldest brother's sons.

Are their parents around?

Parents are in Albania and not able to help financially.

@thetruthandthelie does your hubby have "mug" tattooed along his forehead??? he needs to get a grip and realise that this cannot go on. does he allow you to make any major decisions yourself or is it only him who is allowed to do this? did he discuss renting out to family? did he discuss standing as guarantor for car?? if he is doing those things without a though for his own family then I am sorry but you are not going to win! nephews cannot keep expecting uncle to bail them out when they get into financial difficulties. can you tell nephews this is not on or will your hubby be angry at you for doing that?

How much money would remain if both houses were sold?

Cultural. Ties are hard to break, they make us who we are. Does he express himself in other ways was reflect his culture? For example, I think I would need to think about ways of reminding nephews they are head of their own immediate family, when is Mother’s Day? This is a time for women to celebrated (this is my experience, others might be different and I don’t mean to offend anyway) men step up they don’t take extended handouts… therefore I feel like this is an issue of entitlement and your dh needs to express his cultural identity in ways that do not impact negatively on his wife and children. Which it does bc he makes financial decisions without asking the person he promised to love and to cherish. If you are planning a divorce anyway you have nothing go lose by having a frank conversation.

What would happen if you said to the nephews that they are a pair of spongers taking the piss?

I wouldn’t normally support an ultimatum but in this instance have you considered laying out really honestly with your dh that your marriage won’t survive if he carries on this way with his nephews. Tell him it’s hard to see him being disrespected and hard for you to respect him when he allows himself to be disrespected. Add in that you feel that yourself and the children’s
happiness and comfort feel less important than that of your nephew.
If things don’t change you could suggest he moves in with the nephew as financially he wouldn’t be in a different position to what he is now.

I feel so trapped I don't know what to do. I have told DH my opinion many times, all I am hearing is 'they need time'.
There is money in both of the houses if we sold them, but I wouldn't be able to buy anything with it in the same area. Older DC is already in a v good grammar school, second probably will get in the same grammar, too, as passed- still waiting for 1st of March, but I am sure he will get in. So I don't want to move to a different part of country just because of that.
I just want my DH to see the situation clearly and stop giving handouts to the bunch of losers, who can not support themselves. They are healthy men, who only work sporadically and are unable to support themselves and their growing families.
Recently we wanted to get a pet, DH was against it. While discussing it, our youngest said to dad: 'you are never home, so you won't even see it' - which made me realise how little we see DH at home (he is working- no doubt about it, money is coming in for all the extra time he is doing) and how absolutely s* my life is as a partner and a woman.

Tell him you need time to yourself and ask him to move in temporarily with his nephew in to the home he is paying for. It might give him a reality check to how little they do and make him realise he’s taking you and your children for granted.