Stepmum carrying the family!!

[ALLABOUTTHEWORDS]

I've been with DH for 8 years, married for 2. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage, 12, 17 and 19. I've known and had good relationships with them all, especially the youngest who I've taken the lion's share of caring for when with us. He now lives with us after having serious issues with mum, causing trauma and a lot of acting out. DH works 7 days a week and doesn't do much else, freely admitting that 'this is all too much'. Older siblings are not in contact with the youngest, nor is mum. Older daughter frequently requests through mum that she doesn't want me or the younger son there when she sees her dad, causing me this weekend to sit upstairs in the bedroom while she made a family announcement to the rest of them. Mum sends DH screenshots of their group chat where they accuse me of sending them texts from the youngest's phone, all wildly untrue and unchallenged. At the moment, I'm main parent for a very emotional and hurt boy, who needs more outside input and wider family support, work 4 days a week in another job, do all the admin for DH business, all the housework, cooking, laundry, dog walking and studying for a new qualification. Nothing happens without me, and socialising or doing anything for fun is just a distant memory. Is this just step-parenthood or is this a particularly difficult gig?

Your DH saw you coming didn't he. Why are you letting him off doing his fair share? And banishing you from your own house isn't on, what a joke. If Madam doesn't want to encounter you they can take it to a third location.

He is using you. It is over.

get him in the bin

Why doesnt your husband help??

Why cant you do anything fun?

The 12 yr old goes to school right?

He needs to parent his own children, his youngest especially is struggling so he needs to be around a lot more.

It’s lovely that you care and have done so much, but this shouldn’t be all on you. Your husband is pathetic saying it’s all to much for him. But not for you???? He has 3 kids and needs to take responsibility. How dare he leave it all to you.

You don't mention that you and he have any DCs between you. In that case, walk away. He's taking you for an absolute mug, as are his ex and his eldest. And he won't stand up for you when they are accusing you of sending messages when you haven't.

It will be sad for the little boy because you seem to be the only one who actually cares for and about him. But that's not a reason to carry on carrying on.

@ALLABOUTTHEWORDS oh my god! muggins on your forehead! walk away from your twat of a hubby and see how he copes then! wouldnt be surprised if 17 year old has nicked 12 year olds phone and sent nasty messages on it and now trying to blame you. you can ask to see 12 year olds phone though and see what he has sent though, surely. if he likes you and has dont nothing wrong then he will do it

Yeah, fuck that.

This needs to stop but sadly I think the only one who’ll be punished by that will be the 12yo who already sounds rather unwanted.

What a bloody mess.

I'm a stepmother and my life doesn't resemble this.

My husband does not allow DSD to be rude to me or treat me badly. He also, you know, parents all our kids alongside me (two bio mine, one bio his, one bio together, all with us FT).

I was that stepmother who did it all and divorced in the end .
I cannot believe how I let that situation develop and lost myself while running after everyone and neglected myself .
My ex DH was just lazy - no other excuse .

My step kids are adults now and I’m still in contact and help a bit ,( we have a great relationship and they’re brilliant with my DD ) incredibly the status quo prevails and I still do more than their father .

I have my own DD too OP and I found after my split I had time to devote to her and bring her up the way I wanted away from a lazy DH and pointless drama .

Good luck , that is a tough gig

Sounds like way too much indeed - and unsustainable. How long has this been going on for? If it is relatively recent, it might be that you all entered this mode in a moment of crisis, and just need to step back now and get a handle on the situation.

Is your DH working 7 days a week because you need the money as a family, or is he just escaping the family?

If it is financially driven, that makes things a bit more complicated. But if not, I think you need to make clear that you need him to be around more to pull his weight. And if he doesn't get on board, withdraw some of your services. You have to be strong to do that, and value yourself. And stick to it. Otherwise nothing will change.

And please don't banish yourself to upstairs ever ever again. Stand your ground in your own home. They can meet elsewhere if she doesn't want to see you.

Blended families seem so tough. I feel for you OP. And the poor 12 year old. Sounds like you’re the only one who gives a sh@t. Do you think your DH is a good man? It’s awful behaviour frankly and I’d start thinking about leaving.

He’s treating you with utter contempt. He won’t change so either accept being a doormat or leave.

You need to work out why you think so little of yourself you’ll accept this ridiculous set up, it’s deeply unhealthy.

Just wanted to come on and offer a virtual hug. No this isn't how it should be. And under no circumstances should you be expected to put up with poor behaviour from SD in your own home. I don't know what the relationship is like with your DH but he needs to stand up for you and he needs to carry his own fair share of responsibility. He married you and it is a partnership.

First never sit upstairs again. If step dd wants to make announcements without you .. she finds a venue, I am amazed you allowed this, or that your not so darling partner allowed this.
Soudns like a shit show that the man is letting you deal with to make his life easier,
ffs get a grip and kick his arse into something more very useful.. they are his children.

That sounds awfully difficult and I agree with standing your ground, refusing to go upstairs. The poor 12 year old! I read on another thread a step mum ended up taking her step dc (the child/ren asked) to live with her post divorce so if you do decide to split be aware of this.

Your partner needs a good kick up the backside! Why are you doing everything and allowing him to opt out of parenting his son? Why are you staying in the bedroom in your own house to accommodate his adult DD? You seriously need to implement some changes in your home life and make your partner take responsibility for his children

Refuse to hide away in your bedroom when your DH’s children visit.

Utterly ridiculous and unsustainable. If you don’t have kids together. Walk away. It isn’t going to get better.

You already know the answer to this. Get a grip and put a stop to this awful behaviour. Take control of your own home. Your dp needs to stop being lazy and start parenting. He needs to spend some alone time outwith the house with his older children. It's in part understandable they feel excluded in ways and seek time with him but that's HIS responsibility. You don't need to vacate your home. Your youngest SC is lucky to have you but get your dp in gear or expect years of being shit upon.

I can't believe your husband allowed his daughter to banish you upstairs. He must have no respect for you at all, and she's learned that disrespect off him. I'm so sorry for you.

Your husband needs to buck his ideas up. He can meet his 19 year old outside of the house if she's so offended by your presence in your own home!
Why has the relationship soured so much with the older step children?

This.

For a start you should not be banished to a bedroom in your own home while the step daughter who doesn't like you comes to visit!!

Reintroduce boundaries and tell your husband to step up as a parent (or better still tell him to get out!!) Tell your husband to make alternative arrangements from now on and see his daughter elsewhere if she can't stomach sitting down in a room with you.

The lack of respect and contempt in the way you are being treated is unreal. Apart from the son, they all appear to be using you and taking the p**s out of you and you would be better off out of it. You are already doing it all on your own and you might find it a whole lot less stressful without this useless dead weight of a man and his excess baggage dragging you down. If you love your stepson and are happy to do it, there's nothing to prevent you keeping him with you and ditching your husband.

I'm not normally one to say LTB but I cannot stand weak, pathetic, lazy men.

Thanks everyone, especially for the hug! The sitting upstairs was a bit of an epiphany for me, I really enjoyed it, Stepdaughter apparently did want me there (not sure how) and the fact that I stuck to her request to the letter (it came through her mum) made everyone feel a bit awkward - good! Ive taken a massive step back, me and the dog are going to my son’s for a week (25) where I will be mindful of not ending up doing his laundry and cooking as well! Time to remind myself I have friends and family of my own and let them all get on with it. There is alleged abuse issues within this family that need to be dealt with and relationships rebuilt, but healthy for me to maintain firm boundaries. Thanks all, this has really helped ❤️