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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do?

8 replies

Houseofteens · 17/02/2024 17:12

My mum constantly sends mean messages, putting me down and saying I’m a disappointment. She then either deletes the messages the next day or just sends a nice message with lots of love to us in it.
So the story starts…
My mum has been close when my children were young, but has always been quite vocal on her views on how I should bring up the children, that men should work and women should stay at home. Quite old fashioned views all round, including expected children’s behaviour.
As my children approached teens, we moved from a small island we lived on away from family and friends as the island was quite insular and we wanted them to have more choice of jobs, life experience, opportunities etc..
What would you all do.. we visit about 4 times a year, sometimes as a day trip sometimes we stay over but in a premier inn, not at my parents house.
Every time after we’ve visited she sends horrid texts, that I’ve either let her down, we didn’t stay long enough, why are my children more important than her, ( if I visit alone without children I go home so I’ve not left them over night) why is she not important enough to live there for? My mum has now also fallen out with my brother and he refuses to speak to her, she said he was an embarrassment to the family as he’s recently had a nervous breakdown and can’t work! She now tries to send messages to me to send to him but I’ve said I won’t, so she then has another go at me!
Do I just say, no more, you’ve upset us enough? Or is life to short to upset my parents and just suck it up and carry on? I don’t know what to do anymore?

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 17/02/2024 17:14

I’d just go no contact.

Ginandjuice57884 · 17/02/2024 17:15

She sounds incredibly insecure. Set firm boundaries. Maybe block her number for texts if possible.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 17/02/2024 17:43

She seriously can't understand why your children are more important to you than she is OP? What a strange attitude! I think in your shoes, I'd just tell her that the more she complains the less it makes you want to see her, and see how she comes back from that. If she continues as is, I'd really not be bothering with her, as she sounds selfish and mean. I definitely don't think you should suck it up and continue to let her get away with it. You're an adult, NOT a child, so you need to speak up, and act like one, which means telling her how it is, ie, Mum you do realise that a lot of the texts you send are REALLY nasty don't you? Then if she argues with that, just show her one which you've kept, and ask her to explain why she doesn't think she's been mean. As for what she's said about your brother, well, I don't blame him for having nothing to do with her.

Original poster
Houseofteens · 17/02/2024 17:50

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 17/02/2024 17:43

She seriously can't understand why your children are more important to you than she is OP? What a strange attitude! I think in your shoes, I'd just tell her that the more she complains the less it makes you want to see her, and see how she comes back from that. If she continues as is, I'd really not be bothering with her, as she sounds selfish and mean. I definitely don't think you should suck it up and continue to let her get away with it. You're an adult, NOT a child, so you need to speak up, and act like one, which means telling her how it is, ie, Mum you do realise that a lot of the texts you send are REALLY nasty don't you? Then if she argues with that, just show her one which you've kept, and ask her to explain why she doesn't think she's been mean. As for what she's said about your brother, well, I don't blame him for having nothing to do with her.

I’ve mentioned it to her many times but she puts the phone down on me! Then carry’s on like nothings happened 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Cuppachuchu · 17/02/2024 18:06

I'd be going NC. My mother was like this and you just can't win whatever you do. Protect your own mental health and peace of mind.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/02/2024 18:19

I too would go NC. Her attitude to you, and indeed to your DB, is shocking - self centred and abusive. Life’s too short op.

FlyingSoap · 17/02/2024 18:29

No contact. She’s not doing you any favours

BeArtfulLemonCat · 17/02/2024 22:59

Regardless she's your mum and it would be an awful shame for you to lose contact with her. Both for you and your children. But your mental health is important too. I would send her a hand written letter. That way you can say what you need to say without being interrupted by her. Make it very clear why you made the decision to move. Let her know that she is important to you and that you come to visit her as much as possible. Tell her how her comments and messages make you feel. Don't go on the attack you do this and you do that. But say 'to be told I'm a disappointment makes me feel ...'. Let her know that you love her but this behaviour is not acceptable by you any longer and you will take steps to protect your mental health and that of your family if you don't see a change. I would also tell her it's not your job to communicate with your brother. The last thing you need is to be a go between. I do think family are very important but if she doesn't understand maybe keep the relationship with the children for her sake and theirs. Should she start guilt tripping the children or putting them down then that is where I would draw the line. But I know from experience getting the courage to confront a parent is hard but sometimes this is exactly what they need to understand you are not accepting her behaviour any longer.

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