aggressive BIL

[Newmama93]

So my BIL and I have had a rocky history, I told his wife she could do better after witnessing multiple instances of verbal abuse, awful name calling and just total DV without the physical side.

we are all okay now and have all kept the peace for the sake of not causing drama all through his family.. my son is 3 and my other son only 10 weeks old. My BIL has two kids x we just had a family bbq, he discusses at the table “I told my kid if he gets picked on the just fcking hit the cnt in the face, he needs to stick ip for himself! Then continues to swear like this for the rest of the bbq about different situations all infront of our kids. I took my son outside with his cousins and played a game. I’m upset my husband didn’t say anything, he’s telling me I can’t shelter my kids and we can control our behaviour in our own home but not others behaviour. He says I’m being anxious but I feel other people would have an issue with this language infront of their kids too. I know it’s just a word but it’s aggressive behaviour and it’s inappropriate. I don’t know how to move forward, if I say something it’s going to cause a huge divide and so much pressure on my marriage.. I wish he felt the same about this as I do but unfortunately I seem like the odd one out because everyone tolerates my BILs behaviour. Am I being unreasonable?

Also, had a swearing argument with his mum saying oh for fuck sake, get the fuck out of here etc etc and said stuff like this our whole bbq when he got annoyed at his wife over something else too. I got called dramatic by them before when I brought up the fighting infront of the kids but im out of options of what to do without causing an uproar and so disappointed my husband is not on my team.

Go low contact? Thays totally unacceptable language to use with children around. Slowly distance yourself for the sake of your kids.

We already don’t see them much since my past comment and that we are an hour away but we still will once a month etc and the kids love each other and ask to see each other so it’s really awkward. I can tell my son is uncomfortable around him and I’m just really upset my husband doesn’t care about this. Swearing isn’t a big deal to him as he thinks as my son gets older it’ll be everywhere through schools etc but I just find my BIL vile the way he behaves around the children.

Op I have the exact same issue it’s a nightmare. I have had it in my own home too by the same person , and recently I have put the foot down with my partner and told him it’s his family he needs to deal with it. I’m fed up of it and don’t want my kids thinking it’s remotely acceptable. There was a racist word used recently which I was disgusted at and was the last straw as my kids are so young and I don’t want them exposed to that where I can avoid it. Horrible behaviour.

It's normal to your dh unfortunately. Is your dh scared /intimidated by him? Really poor he makes this your issue though.

I'd want to ask him to not swear in front of my kids (I don't care what they will hear in the playground in 5,6,7 years time.) but I'm guessing this would not result in a apology.

If your dh won't manage it all you can do is limit the time you are around him as damage control. Can you seen in-laws without seeing them and maybe knock it down to a few times a year? And when you are in his company try to avoid being in the firing line. If he asks you why say you didn't like his language/aggressive attitude.

As your son gets older you can use this as a conversation of what's right and wrong.

Why on earth are you spending so much time with him?
Is this your dh’s brother?
It doesn’t sound like your dh is that different from him tbh.
You have a responsibility towards your own children.
If you don’t limit their exposure to this they will think it is normal behaviour.
Tell your dh how you feel. Say you don’t want to invite him round and state why.
Just reduce contact. Who cares if he thinks you are not engaging with him.
You have other plans/ are unwell etc etc.
He won’t change so the only option is to reduce exposure to him.
He wounds absolutely vile.

See if I reduce contact I’m the problem.. I say DH can go without me but he wants to see his nieces and nephews and wants my son to go. So tough

Can you invite the cousins over without their parents?

Yes but they’d ask why.. and they ask us to hang out.. do we just keep saying no? My DH also is not understanding my point

Missing the point, but bbq in February? Are you in the uk?

There's a whole world out there and they have different seasons to the UK! I know, mind-blowing how this Internet thing brings us together.

Not everyone on MN are in the UK.. I’m not in the UK either. Shocking, I know.

Why is your dh not understand your point?
If this was a friend of yours who’s behaviour your dh found intolerable, would that be different?

Does he ever listen to your point of view?
Do you get a say in how you raise your dcs and what they are exposed to?

He has been coming around but he says it’s family and what do we do about it just not see his family. It’s difficult

How do I reduce my sons contact with him though? All fine if I stay home but my son won’t see his cousins, they are his only cousins too.

@Newmama93 obviously, you husband has been brought up surrounded by twats who think it is alright to swear in front of kids. you want better for your kids. your husband should also want better for his kids. going to be a struggle unless he can speak up to his family about their aggression. I think I would stuggle to see them once a month but might try once every three months only.

Yanbu.

And you're totally right to shelter and protect your children from this (and lots of things in the coming years). Also, I wouldn't want to spend the day with your bil. Life's too short.

Your husband is scared to rock the boat. It sounds very disappointing.

He's right you can't control what bil says in his own home.

But you don't have to go there.

My dc have no cousins... They manage.. Extend your dc's friendship groups....

Gross. He’s a piece of shit. I’d be giving my husband an ultimatum.

Is your husband the same as them all really? I'm struggling to understand how he could not see the issue with exposing his kids to that kind of language, attitudes and behaviour otherwise. It only really makes sense if his values are aligned that way too. Or if he's just a total wet blanket and can't speak up to his family.

I'm sure some would disagree but tbh I wouldn't be encouraging relationships between my kids and cousins on that side of the family. On the off chance that they don't also turn into foul-mouthed, aggressive oiks eventually, any relationship with them comes at the cost of exposing your kids to all kinds of inappropriate and harmful behaviour which you are normalising to them. It's just not worth it. They can make other friends. Loads of people manage just fine without being close to their cousins.

I'd just go totally NC with the lot of them and focus on the problematic "D"H to see if there's anything to be done about locating a backbone for him...