Advice needed please

[TriggerwarningEmotionalabuse]

Sorry to post here. I’m feeling rather desperate.
I’ve come to the conclusion I love my husband , until
he is emotionally abusive, then I love him again.
I have realised the constant cycle for 30 year marriage has taken its toll.
I have forever lived in a confusing cycle , which has impacted my health, my relationships and my confidence in recalling events.
I need to leave. But for various reasons I can’t until 2 more years have passed. This is fine as I’ve done 30.
I really need advice how to manage , strategies for my mental health, detach?
anyone been there who is weaning themselves off someone who is awful
for them, especially married along time as I believed this was forever.
I don’t want to do any of the women’s aid/ books… I just need real experiences to help me… I’m so not want to try marriage counselling again, they do not understand the abuse.
thank you so much.
feel scared and alone right now and need some positives to help me know how to manage going forwards.

My local nhs mh service offer free online therapy courses that you can complete in your own time. Yours may do similar.
Such as bereavement (for the loss of the relationship), self esteem (to work on yourself) depression, anxiety etc..

I will offer one small bit of advice that took me years to realize, that is that you have to detach completely, even when they are love bombing you and being wonderful. I thought it was ok to detach when they were abusive but re engage when they were nice. But it doesn’t work that way because the moment you let your guard down your feelings of being unsafe will return even when they are on their best behavior. Start looking at them as an angry toddler and completely switch off 24/7

Well, you said you don't want books or therapy but they're what helped me! I'll try to summarise what I learned, that helped.

I observed him. With my new knowledge, I could name the behaviours he was doing - so (to myself, not out loud!) "he's trying to bait me" or "he's projecting", for example. Basically, I watched his game-playing.

With my new strategies, I avoided being sucked into his games. I was able to not be upset, not show anger or hurt, and could choose how to respond based on what he was trying to do. I often chose not to respond in any meaningful way (grey rock).

Once you're doing this, it's easy not to get drawn in by hoovering. It's just another game play, as worthy of contempt as all the others.

I stopped caring and with that came a detachment. I didn't believe the love bombing. I would sit in a different room on a night and have minimal interaction.

Thank you. Did you all have to force your self to detach as it’s so hard. To still
lvoe some one who won’t be there fire you at your hardest pour. And horrible to you if you have expectations. .

Counselling and group work with Women's Aid. I was on anxyolitic meds for most of my long marriage, they helped dull things, but it was learning about the behaviours that really helped.

Once you see it, you can unsee it and the revulsion I felt pretty much chops off any feelings. As soon as you can see how you are being manipulated, you realise how pathetic they are. It doesn't mean they are not still dangerous though, so if you intend to stay be careful. My ex didn't become physically threatening until after we had split and he was trying to maintain control over me. This was the point at which the Police became involved.

To answer your last post, you will realise that he wasn't really there for you unless there was something in it for him or he could turn it around on you and make it about him.

I felt huge relief the moment I realised it was over. I have since worked really hard to recover and don't look to anyone else for validation. You don't need anyone else's permission or approval to be you.