Is it me?

[isthisrealforreal]

DH and I have been having an ongoing issue with a woman he knows. She's eight years older than both of us (we are 33) and recently separated. We have two mutual DC, 8 and 6, and he's stepdad to my older DC, 14 and 16. Him and this woman have known each other casually for about twenty years but in that time she's had two husbands and three kids. Six months ago she and her husband split up after she had an affair with another guy locally. They've been doing a lot of texting in the last while. I checked his phone and one of my older DC saw them together sitting in his car. DH said when I asked him to stop that if I asked him to stop texting her that he isn't sleeping with her but that if was a choice between speaking to her or losing me he'd rather pick her and we might as well call
It quits.

He goes out at night, supposedly to work. My older son recently said he thought they were together and last week I told my sisters I thought there was something going on. They started following him and found them and found them parked together in a car. They weren't actually doing anything, just sitting. He says they're not having an affair, apparently they're just talking. I don't know what to believe at this point, I'm totally lost. I can't believe he'd do this, we used to be so strong.

Pack his bags. He's pretty much already chosen hasn't he. Bastard!

DH said when I asked him to stop that if I asked him to stop texting her that he isn't sleeping with her but that if was a choice between speaking to her or losing me he'd rather pick her and we might as well call it quits.

Well, decision made then. That was easy enough. She can have him.

"but that if was a choice between speaking to her or losing me he'd rather pick her and we might as well call It quits."

I mean, after him saying this, your relationship is done anyway, right? Your children and family know that he's cheating, I mean, they've seen it with their own eyes.

Get rid of him, he has picked her and is using you.

Get your ducks in a row administration-wise.

Make copies of all papers relating to bank accounts, mortgage, pensions etc.
Secure important documents, passports etc.

Rally those around you you can trust and ask for their help. Keep schtum to others cos gossip gets around faster than you can say HEY!

Time to get off your knees and become smart.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Take a tip from the fabulous Gloria Gaynor. I Will Survive!

Don’t get into the ‘pick me’ dance situation. He’s not prepared to stop spending time with her so he’s already chosen. Keep your dignity, tell him to leave.

He’s already chosen her. There’s nothing more you can do but get rid of him. It’s only a relationship when both people work at it. He’s checked out.

Don’t get into the ‘pick me’ dance situation.

Fuck the pick me dance, Victorian/Edwardian times are a long time over.

An STI test is reality so get one of them.

Sorry to be blunt. Your future self will thank you.

He’s already chosen her. There’s nothing more you can do but get rid of him. It’s only a relationship when both people work at it. He’s checked out.

^^

If I knew my husband checked my phone I would have said the same thing as he did, I won't be given an ultimatum

good for you 😛 glad that if your husband was constantly texting a woman who had left her husband for another man you would be okay with that.

How is saying 'pick me or her' really going to help

I don’t know what he’s using me for?? Since my family found him he’s 100 per cent doubled down on how they’re just talking. My sisters are also saying basically she’s a slag and he’s playing me but we’ve got a whole life together.

because she’s nobody and I’m the mother of his children so we should matter more?

So he's known this woman 20 years so longer than he's known you? And they are friends and she's going through a shit time. Is he not allowed to be her friend anymore because she makes shit husband choices?

If he wanted to be with her romantically he's had plenty of years and chances too.

Why now? Why are you suspicious of his motives now. From what you and others say they are just talking?

He's having to drive so they can be in private, you are policing his phone and friends getting people to follow him and accusing him of what an affair?

Sounds like your sisters are loving the drama and stirring and you maybe have never liked this friendship, calling her names because she's had failed marriages etc?

I don't know I feel you might be driving him away for some reason, I'd take a step back and watch and check that's not the case.

If one of my friends was spoken about like that by someone connected to my husband he would soon be an ex I have more self respect than that

Tell him if they want to talk then he should invite her round to yours . Friends for 20 yrs or not I don’t think there is any reason for them to keep having to have conversations in a car .

Why can't she come round and talk with you as well then if it's innocent, why hide in a car? I wouldn't be hanging around too long if he said he'd pick her! See ya mate

I’m not driving him away, if you read the post you’d see that I’m trying to find reasons why this might not be what it looks like and my family say it is(? They’ve known each other casually as in, hello and goodbye but only been so-called friends since she split up from her last husband and the father of her kids. She’s also a good bit older so I don’t think she’d have wanted to marry him when she was last single ie.30 and he was 22? Her and husband number two also split up when she had an affair with a married man six months ago. She left the husband before that after an affair with a married man too. I don’t personally care what she does in her own life except it’s not nice for her kids but ultimately it’s her business. However I don’t think it’s that plausible they’re suddenly mates given her history and also if they are just friends why the secrecy?

I was presuming he had a nice place to live, meals cooked etc etc and the ability to lie about going to work whilst going out with another woman.

He said he would pick her over you, that is awful. What would you advise a friend, relative to do in the same circumstances?

I am really sorry you are in this position, but you must put yourself first.

sorry it wasn't clear this was a newly developed friendship. That changes the context. From reading the post my assumption was a friendship where they spoke and messaged and now it's intensified.

Can't you just ask him to have his friendship with her in the open, get her to come over meet in public go for coffee like normal friends would, his reaction to that suggestion will tell you everything.

But the views on her sound a bit gossipy she could have abusive husbands be following some awful pattern and need support, not judgment.

THIS
I'm pretty easy going, but that would be it for me.
His feet wouldn't touch the floor
I'm nobody's second choice.
He'll soon wake up and what a sad woman.

@FiveShelties

I don’t know. Everyone seems to have a really firm idea but me so that why the post. I feel like I’m being pathetic but also like I’m a bully, he’s basically like you can’t tell people who to speak to.

@hothotheatbag

I actually asked him why are you suddenly meeting up with her now and he said she needs his support because she had an abusive marriage. It’s obviously possible and I’m sorry she’s had that but also she had an affair with a married guy, her ex left her and now her kids are with her ex every weeknight so she is always out and about and it turns out Dh and her have been meeting at night. He kept it a secret and as far as I knew it was only texts. She has plenty of friends and an active social scene and her and DH were never friends before? It’s just weird that it’s suddenly him who she’s meeting up with? But he’s acting like I’m being abusive and controlling. My sisters are not dramatic. Generally they’re actually not the type to get into my business generally but they’re saying it’s gaslighting. It feels like that but obviously I don’t want to split up because we have DC. My older kids are definite as well that they’re not just friends. He blamed my oldest son for saying he’d seen them in the car as well and he’s saying basically they’ve just kids don’t know what they’re talking about but I can’t get my head round why would they lie but also why would he lie? I’m in bits but I mean if he wants her why doesn’t he just go. I can’t force him to stay so whats the point in the lie?

I feel for you. He sounds a lying horror. Accusing your son of lying to cover up his affair is appalling. So he would be happy for you to lose trust in your own son as long as he can carry on sneaking around?

As someone else has advised, get all your admin sorted while you detach and get him out of your house. He hasn’t even had the good grace to try to pretend you’re numero uno- he’s actually told you he values this weird texting/ car park affair with an older woman over you, his wife and mother of his children. It must be heart breaking for you but you’ve got to face up to it. Accusing your son of lying really has to be the final straw here. Don’t let him damage anything else.

And if it’s any consolation, it’ll all end in tears with this other woman. She’ll be cheating on him next. They deserve each other.