Because I can’t or won’t let go and move on?

[Matchatcha]

I don’t even know where to start…fast forward to the present dysfunctional day: my (estranged) husband is staying with kids and I and so far I’ve checked his phone, replied to his gf/fwb/latest fuck who on earth knows what, I’ve cried and been sad, I’ve been angry and holier-than-thou, and I’m half way to successfully pushing my kids away to go and move to their father knowing full well that would just be a disaster.
wtf is wrong with me. What awful personality disorder do I have? Why can’t I heal from this horrific relationship I know is abusive and negative and just follow the opposite of joy? I can’t seem to disconnect my children from my past with their father. And in sabotaging myself I am just destroying any chance of a happy life for them.
if there is a magic word to stop and solve all this I’d like it now please.

OP why is he staying with you? It is clearly not doing you any good. Hand hold

You’re so right…he is with us as basically another option wasn’t considered. Think he feels this is his home (it isn’t and has been my home exclusively with the kids for a while now-imagine new town no history) and I didn’t want to make The Big Statement and make him find a rental or make things weird for the kids that’s the prodigal father has finally visited and I’ve made him stay in a hotel

Tell him to leave. You are not helping yourself or your children by having him stay with you. He needs to sort out a place of his own. And don’t feel guilty either. He’s a grown man and he can look after himself.

I know but realistically do you have experience of doing that? Of asking your kids father to leave the house for the remaining 2 weeks of his visit? I just can’t imagine how that will go down. I feel like I just want to sweep this mess under a very thick carpet