To think this is a big deal (overwhelmed nine year old half climbed on windowsill!)

[BeethovenNinth]

Please be gentle. I’m a bit bust after parenting my teen through severe anxiety and today this happened….I am a worrier myself. Any experience?

we have three DDs. Lots going on in terms of busy house, eldest has had severe anxiety but doing better now but is having to do online school.

youngest is nine and has had zero issues until recently. She is bright, sociable, friendly and was happy at school. Zero concerns developmentally or socially. She has become, over the last year, a bit of a worrier - it started with dancing (which we pulled her out of), then swimming and then she got a new “shouty” teacher and so she worries about her homework being good enough etc. she is fundamentally fine though or so I thought and is performing well at school, eating and sleeping normally with good friends. She talks to me openly about her worries.

today she was playing with her sisters and there was a minor fall out and they told her they weren’t playing with her any more today. It seems that shortly after she decided to half climb out the first floor window - she had one leg inside and the other out and was holding on. Middle child saw this from the other room and got eldest child who told her to come in, and she did and burst into tears.

whereupon I was summoned from downstairs and she sobbed in my arms saying she was just overwhelmed and felt she wanted her worries to “go away”. She said they related to school and going up to high school (which triggered my eldest child’s issues) and she overheard me talking about that today to a friend. I think the subsequent fall out just made her utterly overwhelmed.

I have now locked the windows. She seems embarrassed and said she will never do anything like this again. She has eaten and is laughing and hanging out again, talking excitedly about a trip we have coming up

i feel in such a state. We have only just got eldest sorted and this has utterly shaken me as I thought she was happy. I feel this has been a cry for help in terms of telling me she is worrying. I have contacted a play therapist and will speak
to school.

DH reckons I am totally overreacting and she was just showing her sisters how pissed off she was for them falling out with her.

but I feel we should take this seriously and help her deal with her worries. I have contacted a play therapist and will speak to the school in terms of the shouty teacher

has anyone had similar? I would add I’m a real worrier and was as a child but nothing like this. I’m honestly not sure I have the capacity to handle more years of child crisis after helping my eldest for so long

Oh love.

I would say defo speak to school about the manner the teacher has with the class.

But don’t take this further with the play leader. Your DD felt embarrassed afterwards and I think take her lead at this point. She knew it was a mistake and just needed an outlet but she knows this back fired and won’t be doing it again. Maybe just keep her close to you for a bit - check in regularly with her, cuddles, how you do doing love, that sort of thing.

But keep it all low-key for her at this point.

Defo speak to school about Mrs Shouty Pants though.

If she's seen how high school has affected your eldest, maybe that's what's triggered it, along with the general other things she has going on.

I think you're doing the right thing seeking help and taking it seriously. You sound like a great mum.

Thanks for your kind responses which made me cry!

I think I need to watch what I say in front of her. She has definitely been hugely affected by my eldest issues (and so got her some counselling who said she felt she was fine and doing ok!) but I have realised today that she really listens to all I say and I need to totally dial that down

she is laughing and playing with my eldest (who also got a fright!) so I think she is fine and I need to have a cup of tea and try relax.

If your eldest is pretty much sorted now. Stop talking about it. Completely. You're effecting your youngest- she needs to forget about all this between now and going to high school so please, give her that chance and stop talking about your eldests issues. I'm actually in the camp that in this situation any therapy might make it worse - she just sounds like she needs reassurance and to stop hearing about her sisters struggles as that does not mean she will have the same issues going up to high school. Give her a chance to right herself before throwing her into therapy. And correct your own behaviour to help too.

Thanks packing you are actually absolutely right.

I do. It profoundly affected me (eldest drifted into anorexia briefly which we luckily sorted swiftly) and I think I have really got to completely remove youngest from the issues. Home is actually good again but eldest is trying to go back to proper school and that has also ramped it up.

issue is that youngest seems less resilient than I would hope and I’m perhaps treading too carefully due to struggles of eldest. But eldest gave me such a fright (she actually didn’t voice any anxieties which was part of the issue).

I did this when I was kid once, about the same age too.

i just wanted to be listened too, to be understood about all the things I was worried and stressed about wanted them to be taken care of. I didn’t do it with any intent. I was just generally worn out.

I used to do this at 9. I'd get overwhelmed and kneel on my bedroom windowsill on the first floor staring down at the patio beneath and wondering if I could just make everything stop.

I wasn't actually suicidal, nor were any of my worries particularly huge - it was purely about overwhelm and a very childlike fight-or-flight reaction. Once I'd stared out for long enough I'd be calm enough to be able to come back in and carry on. But I look back in horror because if someone had startled me, that could very easily have gone terribly wrong. I was diagnosed with autism as an adult. Not suggesting your child is autistic but there is overlap with anxiety and if it is reassuring to you, it was an "argh make the world stop" response for me after which I'd be absolutely fine, and not a signifier of any deeper unhappiness.

This is 100% learnt behaviour - it wasn't her own original idea.

Personally I would go for big reassurance.
I would say I have her back, we're a team, and her happiness is the most important thing, so what can I do to help?

You need to control your worries or it will affect your children. My mum is a massive worrier, to the point it stops her doing things. I thought this was normal, and it rubbed off on me. It has taken years to see the level of worry she and I have isn’t ok.

I now don’t tell my mum anything as she will ‘worry’ and I can’t bear the fallout.

Thanks name also my mother. I also don’t tell her stuff as it becomes exhausting. But my DH is completely the other way and now I feel I have to worry for us both. In the last four years we have had a tonne of stuff (as well as the anorexia/anxiety, my husband had a serious accident and then has been seriously unwell) and I have actually coped ok and am much more stoic. But I guess I’m at a low ebb

theodore it’s interesting you mention autism. As this is confidential, the girls are all conceived from donor sperm due to male infertility and I suspect the donor maybe has Asperger’s - high functioning - he is a mathematician who has a hobby of astrophysics!. In addition, my sister is highly sensitive and anxious, like my eldest and my side of the family has anxious women all over it. All highly functioning. But I wonder about the genetic soup. I wonder if there is a subset of autism which is for highly sensitive anxious people…..that’s not meant to sound ignorant or offensive but it’s something that seems a possibility. But you wouldn’t describe any of these women as autistic. Neurotic, highly sensitive, obsessive and highly intelligent, yes!

for a long time I worried and felt guilty but my children are utterly amazing and lovely little creatures.

"Neurotic, highly sensitive, obsessive and highly intelligent" - are you familiar with the so-called "female presentation" of autism by any chance? A lot of people think of autism or Aspergers in terms of a little boy obsessed by trains who rocks and ignores social interaction. But women tend to present differently, and when you ask is there a subset of autism for highly sensitive anxious people, the answer is yes: it's often described as the "female presentation."

[There is lots wrong with this as some boys present in this way and some girls do not, but it's useful in this context]

Obviously this is only a discussion forum and I don't know you or your children! but I would not rule it out.

Thanks theodore yes I have read and read since my eldest child’s issues presented. It doesn’t really fit for her and yet the question remains. She doesn’t want to explore it just now so it’s a moot point.

but I am slightly neurotic and relativelyintelligent and obsessive. I don’t think I am autistic though. But I have wondered what I am as I don’t fit with women who drink Prosecco and discuss nails/tv (this isn’t me being rude - I wish I did!). I’m highly sociable and an extrovert and have a wide variety of friends but I would prefer to spend my day climbing a hill with them or discussing literature. . I don’t see me ever getting an autism diagnosis but I also don’t think I’m completely neurotypical either. Until recently and the heightened awareness of neurodiversity, I just thought I was “me” - uniquely flawed but overall normal. I don’t though I know many people who are totally neurotypical to be honest.

but I am wondering if you take my quirks and combine them with a donor man who possible has Asperger’s then will you have a neurotypical child? But again, never in a month of Sundays would I get an autism diagnosis for either of them - it’s not something a teacher has ever raised.

But I have wondered what I am as I don’t fit with women who drink Prosecco and discuss nails/tv (this isn’t me being rude - I wish I did!). I’m highly sociable and an extrovert and have a wide variety of friends but I would prefer to spend my day climbing a hill with them or discussing literature.

You sound great! I know quite a few women I'd describe as "autism-adjacent" - enough autistic traits to be noticeable but not enough to actually be autistic.

”autism adjacent”?! That is very apt! I reckon some of my closest friends are neurodiverse - maybe they would have a got a diagnosis as kids but are high functioning adults with quirks. Many are highly creative - musicians or arty. I often mull what gives someone that level of creativity and the flip side.

I think you and I would be buds in real life!

Got help the entire human race if all neurotypical women are talking about nails and prosecco and TV. All minority interests, I would have thought

Sorry not. I didn’t mean to offend. I was trying to explain why I don’t fit in with many groups of women. And for me they generally drink Prosecco and get their nails done and discuss Strictly and celebrity get me out of here type things. I just feel a bit bewildered by all that!

Thank you, no offence taken! But I don't recognise this as a description of typical women. I have no interest in nails or prosecco! and not do any of my close friends. I think you just need to meet a wider range of people - many many women would rather go climb a hill rather than paint their nails!