I don't want to move house but he does 😫

Justbefair · 2024-02-16T19:03:57+00:00

Me and DH, one child, live in a small but lovely little detached house with great neighbours. We both moved around a lot before we bought our second house so not an issue of having not lived elsewhwer. We've lived here for 17 years and I love it, quiet culture de sac, with my mental issues I feel safe, we are near to everything we need and want to be. He's mentioned it a few times over the years that he would like to live somewhere bigger with more space and for him a joy to drive up to. (I find it a joy to drive up to, for him it's a bit more for show) I do have a lot of issues with my OCD so a move would have to be worth it. DH always likes to be busy, have a project etc and feels restrained that we've done everything we can with our home, which doesn't have a garage or big garden to make him happy. Yes I do think somewhere bigger with more space to get some personal space and do hobbies would be a bonus and I'm going along with it as long as it ticks both of our boxes. Problem is with the market now houses are so much more expensive and trying to find the perfect one isn't easy. We are mid 50s and our mortgage is almost paid off. I was thinking oh great, kick back a bit, have more spare money and I will have more time to do the important things in my life like looking after family who need me, the responsibilities he doesn't have and yes I still work and will for years to come. Sorry guess my point is... AIBU - push yourself, continue to both work hard and take on a new mortgage to have more collateral and with it more space? AINBU - think of yourself, make your DH understand and compromise somehow? So lucky to have a nice home, he's the one who doesn't have friends next door to chat with and wants to do solo activities to feed his never-ending need to be busy!

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2024 19:12

I would tell him plainly that you are not in a position to move, for lots of reasons. If he needs something else to keep himself occupied and entertained, then he needs to find it. If you needed to move for very pressing reasons, I would say that you need to find a way to manage it, but you don't "need" to move, he just wants to. You have very compelling and sensible reasons to remain in your home, and the current market is not one in which I'd be in a hurry to plan an unnecessary move.

I think it's time to have a big conversation and put this issue to rest for now. If he still insists that you move, regardless of how you feel about it, then that's an entirely different issue to deal with because you are no longer compatible.

Needesppressonow · 16/02/2024 19:29

You sound like my husband and me. Same situ, similar reasons. I love where we live. Will be watching with interest, not v helpful sorry

Herdinggoats · 16/02/2024 19:33

I think speak to an estate agent, get a valuation, understand what money would be available and have a bit of a look at the kind of property that would be available to you.

he might realise it’s not worth the ball ache, you might realise it’s not as financially difficult as you fear. But if you’ve properly researched your position it is harder for the other partner to feel resentment

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 16/02/2024 19:35

Herdinggoats · 16/02/2024 19:33

I think speak to an estate agent, get a valuation, understand what money would be available and have a bit of a look at the kind of property that would be available to you.

he might realise it’s not worth the ball ache, you might realise it’s not as financially difficult as you fear. But if you’ve properly researched your position it is harder for the other partner to feel resentment

Edited

Or put the emphasis on him to do the leg work and see what he finds out. Having great neighbours is important however remember that neighbours move so they might not always be so great.

OhmygodDont · 16/02/2024 19:37

It’s always going to be a hard decision as unless you find your unicorn property someone’s going to be left likely resentful.

His not unreasonable if you can actually afford it to want a bigger home with garden and garage to be able have a hobby/work space. Though a compromise could always be renting some kind of garage/warehouse ish studio but that’s going to be at least £600 a month.

Your not unreason to love your home and want to stay there either and it helps your mental health that you feel safe and secure, tho whilst on mental health does his tinkering and hobbies as such improve his and would more space for you to have personal
space and hobbies not help
improve yours even more.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2024 19:38

Herdinggoats · 16/02/2024 19:33

I think speak to an estate agent, get a valuation, understand what money would be available and have a bit of a look at the kind of property that would be available to you.

he might realise it’s not worth the ball ache, you might realise it’s not as financially difficult as you fear. But if you’ve properly researched your position it is harder for the other partner to feel resentment

Edited

Why on earth should the op be burdened with doing all of that? If her husband is that keen to move, he can be the one to gather all of this information.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 16/02/2024 19:38

I see both of your points of view but you've had 17 years there and he wants more space now. For someone that likes to be busy, no garage and a small garden is restrictive. Assuming it's affordable I think you should work together to find the right place that makes both of you happy.

Herdinggoats · 16/02/2024 19:39

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2024 19:38

Why on earth should the op be burdened with doing all of that? If her husband is that keen to move, he can be the one to gather all of this information.

Show quote history

Was thinking as a couple they should do this. Not the OP pick it up.

Original poster

Justbefair · 19/02/2024 18:31

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. We went to view just one house what looked like a bargain and loved it. However I'm still hesitant and in my heart still don't want to move, mostly I think is because it's a semi detached and my ocd issue is noises! I'm so used to detached, a very privileged problem I know and Im aware it sounds frivolous in the grand scheme of things in the world. I'm a humble person who just wants to do my best for everyone and live a simple, as stressless as possible life now. Xx

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pikkumyy77 · 19/02/2024 18:34

Don’t feel bad about wanting to maintain a detached residence. He has hus wants (garden, garage, etc…) and you have yours. It isn’t something to be negotiated away.

MadCatLady27 · 19/02/2024 21:01

I'm another where you sound like me - we are planning on trying for a baby in the not too distant future, and deep down I know we could do with probably one more room and one more loo, but I LOVE our house and weve had it a few years now so it's all decorated to our taste etc. also in a cul de sac with good neighbours.

I think he's used to his family who are always looking to upgrade their houses/move, while my parents have been settled in their house for ages. Although I do get the argument for more space as he's currently hybrid and if there's a small person around, he will need a quiet place to work.

I'm just being VERY picky about the ones he picks out for me to look at. He's sent a couple I've liked but not liked the location, so it's been a no. For the first time today he sent one where I actually thought ooh I like both the location and house.

You don't currently HAVE to move, I'd be leaving him to do the browsing on sites etc and have him send them to you, and only if you think "oh actually I really rather like that one" go along to have a look at it.

In your position I'd be VERY VERY reluctant unless the house was so perfect it was worth taking on another mortgage

BigWillyLittleTodger · 19/02/2024 21:26

I’m with your husband, he has outgrown the house and wants a new project, challenge, location. 17 years is a long time he’s probably bored of driving up to the same front door, is he expected to do that for another 5, 10, 20 years? Is he expected to spend his retirement not being able to tinker in a garage or develop a nice big garden? Why do your needs trump his?

Original poster

Justbefair · 20/02/2024 15:15

MadCatLady27 · 19/02/2024 21:01

I'm another where you sound like me - we are planning on trying for a baby in the not too distant future, and deep down I know we could do with probably one more room and one more loo, but I LOVE our house and weve had it a few years now so it's all decorated to our taste etc. also in a cul de sac with good neighbours.

I think he's used to his family who are always looking to upgrade their houses/move, while my parents have been settled in their house for ages. Although I do get the argument for more space as he's currently hybrid and if there's a small person around, he will need a quiet place to work.

I'm just being VERY picky about the ones he picks out for me to look at. He's sent a couple I've liked but not liked the location, so it's been a no. For the first time today he sent one where I actually thought ooh I like both the location and house.

You don't currently HAVE to move, I'd be leaving him to do the browsing on sites etc and have him send them to you, and only if you think "oh actually I really rather like that one" go along to have a look at it.

In your position I'd be VERY VERY reluctant unless the house was so perfect it was worth taking on another mortgage

Edited

Congratulations 🎊! I can understand your situation as well, people do manage in smaller houses. Going back to my parents growing up there were 3 girls in one bedroom, 2 lodgers in another, in a small cottage! We have grown to feel the need to upside and upgrade since homes have become more than just a place live and get by. Best of luck with what you decide. Xx

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Original poster

Justbefair · 20/02/2024 15:16

BigWillyLittleTodger · 19/02/2024 21:26

I’m with your husband, he has outgrown the house and wants a new project, challenge, location. 17 years is a long time he’s probably bored of driving up to the same front door, is he expected to do that for another 5, 10, 20 years? Is he expected to spend his retirement not being able to tinker in a garage or develop a nice big garden? Why do your needs trump his?

They don't and I want him to be happy as well.

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Original poster

Justbefair · 23/02/2024 19:48

Hi again! I don't how to just get this thread, can't just access on my feed.

Anyway...update! My DH and child were so excited about the house and I did feel it too, it had everything, apart of course for me being a semi. So I agreed to putting in an offer, half hoping it wouldn't be accepted but being prepared to try to move forward for my family. It was accepted and it's been full throttle ahead with putting our up for sale. My dh knows I'm struggling and I'm actually seeking help for my own mental issues, something I've needed to do for years, but always myself bottom of the list of priorities. No, I'm no martyr, just stupid!

It's all happening so fast and in a way I think it's the wake up call I've needed but also finding this extra pressure on top of one thing after another the past couple of years overwhelming. I'm taking one day at a time, each day trying to be more positive. DH is so excited, making plans for all we can do to new house and I'm joining in but he knows it's half hearted.

We did have a big conversation that he wants more for us all, time for a change and I need to sort myself out or there's no future for us. I've seen the doctor and am trying, last thing I want to is hold my family back because of my own issues. I didn't used to be like this, I was adventurous and free spirited. I guess when you get older and experience true grief and have real worries, having mental conditions resurface.

Sorry for very long post, just pouring my heart out. ❤️

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MinnieGirl · 23/02/2024 20:12

Well after reading your update, I’m sorry to say your husband sounds really selfish! He knows you don’t really want to move and he doesn’t care. He’s told you to sort yourself out of there’s no future for you? That is not a caring partner…. This move is triggering for you but he is showing no sympathy at all….
I would never move to a semi from a detached if I had noise issues… what if you have noisy neighbours? He won’t allow you to move again. I’m sorry but I would stay where you are and continue to seek help for your health issues.

Ilikewinter · 23/02/2024 20:28

Humm im all for compromise OP but firstly I would never move from a detached to a semi - we moved to detached due to noisy neighbours - and after your update your DH sounds like a bit of a twat.

Original poster

Justbefair · 27/02/2024 17:58

OhmygodDont · 16/02/2024 19:37

It’s always going to be a hard decision as unless you find your unicorn property someone’s going to be left likely resentful.

His not unreasonable if you can actually afford it to want a bigger home with garden and garage to be able have a hobby/work space. Though a compromise could always be renting some kind of garage/warehouse ish studio but that’s going to be at least £600 a month.

Your not unreason to love your home and want to stay there either and it helps your mental health that you feel safe and secure, tho whilst on mental health does his tinkering and hobbies as such improve his and would more space for you to have personal
space and hobbies not help
improve yours even more.

Thank you! He already has a rented unit but would dearly love a garage next to home, also the dream of a big character house with hallway, spacious garden, which he never had growing up. I grew up different places and our family forever home was/is a big semi with large garden and garage. Now I would prefer a little cottage in the country but we need to be near school and work so hopefully that will be a later move.

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caringcarer · 27/02/2024 18:43

It's hard isn't it. I want to downsize as our 3 DC are all adults now with their own homes. There are 3 of us living in a 6 bedroom house with a bathroom, 2 as power rooms and a downstairs loo. It's ridiculous to have 4 toilets for only 3 people and I'd love to downsize, have less cleaning and freeing up a chunk of money too.

caringcarer · 27/02/2024 18:44

DH won't hear of downsizing. Says he loves our home and doesn't want to move.

Original poster

Justbefair · 12/03/2024 21:35

caringcarer · 27/02/2024 18:44

DH won't hear of downsizing. Says he loves our home and doesn't want to move.

Equally hard one! Maybe the time isn't right now if you're both not on board but I do agree with you! You have the advantage of being able to choose the perfect house, maybe just keep an eye on properties to peruse and he may gain interest? This is what seems to have happened to us, no I don't want to move but after looking on rightmove do become a bit more interested. We were going to move 10 years ago before dc to a bigger house amd I really wasn't ready then so glad we didn't. I feel very fortunate to have what we have and woth mortgage rates I don't think it's the best time to buy a new property. Then again it's now or never, while we both have another 10 years of work and pension payouts before retirement amd ot would be a small mortgage we could pay off with the lump sums, in theory! Xx

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caringcarer · 12/03/2024 22:19

@Justbefair, I've retired early at 57 and DH retires the end of this month at 59. I've got my teachers pension now and he can get his pension in September. Well both then get state pension at 67. The mortgage was paid off last year. We've got 6 bedrooms for 3 of us. DH and I share 1 room and Foster Son another room. It was great when all 3 of my DC lived at home as there was always plenty of space and rooms. Now our health isn't wonderful and a 3 bedroom house with smaller garden would be perfect. DH just doesn't want to give up the big garden and he has a double garage. It is stuffed full of his stuff and tools so no cars can fit in there. He has garden sheds too with garden tools and more of his stuff. I think the thought of moving all his stuff puts him off moving but both of my DS's have offered to help him. I keep telling him we could be paying much lower council tax and less cleaning too. He's just stubborn. If we downsized we could free up some extra cash too.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/03/2024 06:59

@caringcarer can you make sure that he does all the cleaning in retirement? He might change his tune if he has to clean it all himself.

Original poster

Justbefair · 14/03/2024 18:43

caringcarer · 12/03/2024 22:19

@Justbefair, I've retired early at 57 and DH retires the end of this month at 59. I've got my teachers pension now and he can get his pension in September. Well both then get state pension at 67. The mortgage was paid off last year. We've got 6 bedrooms for 3 of us. DH and I share 1 room and Foster Son another room. It was great when all 3 of my DC lived at home as there was always plenty of space and rooms. Now our health isn't wonderful and a 3 bedroom house with smaller garden would be perfect. DH just doesn't want to give up the big garden and he has a double garage. It is stuffed full of his stuff and tools so no cars can fit in there. He has garden sheds too with garden tools and more of his stuff. I think the thought of moving all his stuff puts him off moving but both of my DS's have offered to help him. I keep telling him we could be paying much lower council tax and less cleaning too. He's just stubborn. If we downsized we could free up some extra cash too.

Sounds like our DHs are similar! Every bit of storage we have, and we do have a fair bit really, is crammed full! The sheds full of his motorbikes (plus different outfits for them), mountain bike, road bike, tools, hobby gear he's never had time to use, gadgets he's fancied then replaced, extra fridges for when he was making his own beer. I've always respected whatever he's wanted to do, he's a doer and needs projects and hobbies, quite in awe really as I'm not lol 😆

So getting a bigger house will mean even more stuff to cram and every space will be filled to bursting, even if we had a mansion! Fair enough, having our own gym, outdoor seating area,big garden, huge dining room etc will will be amazing but as you say, even more to clean!

Early to mid 50s, I'm also a teacher and hoping to take my pension early and still work, DH will take his, being in business he will get a lot more than me!

So, his view..while we can still easily het a mortgage and know we can work and pay off in next 10 years, bigger house, more value, enjoy the space then later we can downsize (dc only 10)

My view...mortgage will be paid off, we will have more money, not have to work as much so more time for him to do his hobbies and me to try to unwind/do some much needed self care.

Sorry, have rambled on here! With everything personally the past few years I was looking forward to reduce hours and do things I feel are important to me. X

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