To be upset that my sibling is going on holiday with my abusers

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In short, my parents were both mentally, emotionally and psychically abusive to me, but not to my sister, except the few times my dad hit her when she tried to stand up for me. When I was a teenager, unsurprisingly I started suffering from depression due to the abuse, and took me a long time to became the healthy and happy adult I am today. I have been NC with my parents for 5 years now and my life is all the better for it.

My sister however has only gotten closer to them over the years. When we were kids and teens, we used to talk about how we can't wait to get away from them when we grow up and how horrible they are to me. Those talks gave me great comfort. But somewhere during the years that I have been NC with them, my sister has gotten very close to them and they seem to be a little happy family. Which is obviously very hurtful to me, but for the most part I manage to ignore since I don't speak to them and I don't speak to my sister about them.

Until today when she told me she has booked a holiday with them. They never went on holiday before, in fact my parents never went on holiday ever because they can't afford it. I have been crying for a few hours now, it really hurts that she would do this. Should I say something? If anyone has any words of advice or comfort it would be greatly appreciated because no one in my life would understand.

If you think that it would help you to reason it out, then speak to her. Attachment to parents is so strong even those abused often still have relationships with abusive relatives. They were abusive towards her, just not as much as they was towards you. Perhaps read around why adult children still seek love and acceptance from abusive parents. You might understand her reasons.

This is why I cut all my siblings out as well.

I'm so sorry, this must really hurt.
Please try to remember though that family dynamics are complicated, even in a non-dysfunctional family.
Your sister may have blocked out bad memories, minimised the abuse in her head, may feel torn between you and your parents and has almost certainly got her own complex emotions about the family.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect her to feel the same way as you. Her experience has been different- it’s possible they are good grandparents to her children.

They should have been better parents to you, absolutely. No one should have to choose whether to cut out their parents.

Value the relationship you have with your sister and try not to think about her other relationships.

You definitely can’t force your sibling to see as you do about your parents. And in fact, this is classic for a dysfunctional family — there is often a child who is aware of the dysfunction, while the other children are oblivious for various reasons. My own siblings have erased our traumatic childhoods from their memory, as that is how they function in the world. My sister doesn’t even remember some of the physical abuse she experienced that I remember, and shrugs off the verbal abuse as normal.

All you can do is either accept that your sibling has this close relationship with your parents and ignore it, or as another poster has said, cut them off as well. For what it’s worth, I speak to my family, but I live about as far away as you could from them.

Your experiences are both different. You are not in contact she is. Unfortunately you can't have a say on her holidaying with her own parents that's up to her. What's the difference in contact, growing closer, and going on holiday? It's all the same thing. I think you need to let this one go. Either you have to be ok with the contact or not, but the holiday is a red herring.

Maybe she has found it easier to rewrite her history..
You however have been strong and broken away.. Well done.

She is not you.

You had a poor relationship with your parents (understandably) so cut them off. She didn't.

If she wants to go on holiday with them then that's her choice. It's nothing to do with you. Perhaps she relies on them more than you thought?

You can only control your own relationship with your parents, you cannot control your sisters.

I am one of four siblings and my father in particular was physically abusive to me and one of my siblings but never to the other two. My mother was emotionally abusive to all of us, but particularly the sibling that my father was also abusive to, so they had the worst deal.

I went NC with them for a few years at one point, but after some counselling I forgave and got back in touch, although I was never close to them (they have both passed away now). It would never have occurred to me to tell my adult siblings how they should manage their relationships with our parents and nor did I expect them to go NC because I did. You are not being fair on your sister here and you need to try to come to terms with her different relationship with them.

I understand your pain because I was also abused as a child.
But in this situation, as painful as it is, they are not just your abusers. They are your sister's parents. And it may very well be that she acknowledges and doesn't forgive the abuse, but still needs her own relationship with her parents.

In a really horrible way it's safer for her with your parents because she knows she's not going to get picked on. The nicer she is to them the more fixed you are in your position. I'm so sad for you. You must feel very betrayed.

If you have narcissistic parents they will always treat one child better than the other(s).

They do this so that sibling will say "well, they never treated me that way".

You can either understand that your sister will always have a better relationship with them, or remove yourself from your sisters life.

I did the latter because it got to the point where she would tell me she didn't understand why I disliked her so much.

I've been living happily ever after for 18 years now.

I don't want to vote on this one. I understand why it's so upsetting to you - she's your sister and you want her to be on your side against people who abused you. That's not at all an unreasonable desire.

The problem is that your parents are also her parents, and your sister also deserves to make her relationship with her parents about her, not you. You can't reasonably make demands or try to guilt her into cutting them off/distancing herself from her own parents just like it wouldn't be ok for her to try to coerce you into having a relationship with your parents.

You can set boundaries about contact between you and your parents or the flow of information - so if she's sharing information about you with your parents against your wishes or trying to force you to be around them then you can choose to distance yourself from her. It's also totally reasonable to ask her not to talk about them or their family activities with you, and to end conversations/visits if she refuses to respect that boundary.

Also, as hard at it is, you'll need to accept that your sister is not a source of support or comiseration for you in this specific area of your life. You shouldn't vent to her about them and she shouldn't be talking them up to you - just make parents a non-topic.

I’d cut out your sister too. Sorry OP

you Need to think if this relationship is really healthy with your sister.

I understand your pain. It felt like a betrayal to me when my sister seemed to backtrack on her loyalty towards me so now she has a very close relationship with my parents/abusers and she and I no longer speak. After years of therapy etc I now believe my sister is cut from the same cloth as my mother and so trying to talk calmly and rationally is an absolute waste of time. Trying to convince her to see my point of view badly affected my mental and physical well-being. So, in short, I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to her. Maybe consider therapy if you haven’t already. Good luck, it’s a very painful process but worth it x

I dont think you are unreasonable to feel hurt, but there is nothing you can do about it. You could ask your sister not to mention them to you, but you are going to have to accept she has a relationship with them. That shouldn't stop you also having a relationship with her though, but you just have to swallow the tough bits too

She has a different relationship with her parents than you do.

Shes allowed to think differently about them as she has different experiences

Shes not intending to hurt you