Is this ADHD?

[ShampooForMyRealFriends]

For as long as I can remember, I have felt completely overwhelmed by the demands of normal life. I have always been a procrastinator and have tried every trick in the book to get out of the habit to no avail. I am very smart and have always been able to skate by on natural ability, but feel overwhelming shame at leaving things to the last minute (or later) and just generally feeling like an incompetent human.

I have a small child, work part time and do most of the household work and all of the mental load, but this is not a recent phenomenon. I cannot remember a time in my life when I haven't felt completely overwhelmed with my workload, state of my personal space and ability to keep up with friends and family, and the resultant shame. I get so overwhelmed and ashamed that I get stuck and don't know where to start, but even if I do manage to get something done - even if it's quite a lot, objectively - I don't feel any relief or any motivation to keep going. If anything, I feel the opposite - I've put in a humongous effort and don't feel that it has taken a noticeable chunk out of the list of things I need to do. I'm also distractible and forgetful - very often I'll work up the energy to do something, get distracted by something else I need to do, get started on that and forget the first thing, then get called away by something else and forget to finish the second thing.

I really feel like I have tried every productivity and organisational trick in the book and that nothing has helped. (There have been times in my life when I've felt less overwhelmed, but that was when I only had myself to deal with and only me messing up the systems in place.) I feel defective and like I will never be able to make a sufficient contribution to my family (in terms of income, work, attention, etc.).

So my questions are these:

1. Doesn't everyone feel overwhelmed by normal life to a certain extent? Is this just the human condition, and I'm just particularly bad at managing these emotions?
2. If so, what can I do about it? How can I stop feeling so useless and pathetic?
3. If not, and these feelings are the result of ADHD or similar, what can I do about it? It seems like ADHD is either managed by medication (not likely where I live due to having to pay for a private diagnosis and huge wait times, plus not sure I like the idea of being medicated for the rest of my life) or organisational strategies (and I feel like I've already tried everything I can find online), or both. Is there something else?
4. Is it worth pursuing a diagnosis, at great financial cost and with a lengthy waitlist? If you were diagnosed as an adult, did it help you and how?

One more piece of information: I am in therapy for PTSD resulting from my birth and background symptoms of anxiety and depression. I can't change therapists (government funded) and I feel like my therapist is maybe not super aware of neurodiversity (especially in women). She pushes a lot of "just do the thing" kind of advice, which makes me feel even worse for failing at it.

Please be gentle, I am really struggling.

Hi OP. I have ADHD, as does my daughter. It does sound like you're overwhelmed, and struggling with concentration / focus. There is quite a bit more to ADHD than that, though, so it's difficult to say.

Also, your existing issues / PTSD could be a contributing factor to your overwhelmedness. It can be quite tricky to pick apart.

I've attached a link to the ADHD UK self screening tool. It's a useful starting point to see if you actually meet the criteria for referral for assessment.

I think you can only really start there, before considering if you do have ADHD, and therefore if you wer3 diagnosed, whether medication would be appropriate and whether it would help.

If I were you, I'd look at the screener then see a GP (regardless of the findings / results of the screening test, I think it would be a good step to ask for further support)

https://adhduk.co.uk/adult-adhd-screening-survey/

Also, soeey to hear your therapist isn't particularly helpful. I had talking therapy when I was awaiting assessment, and they really didn't 'get' it. I ended the therapy coirse early once I was diagnosed as it just wasn't beneficial.

What pissed me off most was that when I mentioned to her that I was awaiting assessment, she just kept asking me what I would do if I wasn't Autistic and had ADHD. I get where she was coming from, but I knew I was (Autistic, at least, i wasnt 100% sure about the ADHD initially as i didnt reqlly know enough about ut at the time) and I felt she was trying to get me to fix something she knew nothing about. In my mind, it would have been quite damaging to my self esteem to continue with this generic style of therapy that wasn't geared towards my needs.

The additional issue is that a lot of health care professionals don't appreciate how Neurodivergence presents in women.

Sorry for all the typos. I've got Covid at the minute, so not quite on top form.

Thanks for your comments. I'll look at the screener (if I don't forget ). I'm not in the UK so a GP can't diagnose me - it really is private (~£2000-3000, multi-year waiting list) or nothing I think. I have also looked in to autism and a lot of that rings very true to me too. And yes, it's really been looking at how ADHD and autism manifest in women that has got me thinking about this (although I have suspected autism for a very long time). I agree that the PTSD is not helping, but I think this has been a problem for my whole life.

While you certainly could have ADHD, your post reads more of depression. I think everyone feels overwhelmed at points in their life (I know I certainly have many, many times in my life). Perhaps the better question would be, is this overwhelming feeling preventing you from doing your daily tasks in life? It is great that you are in therapy but totally stinks that you don't feel the therapist is helping. Have you discussed this with them?

I don't know that I have any amazing advice on how to work through feeling overwhelmed. When it gets to me, I just have to constantly remind myself that I don't have a choice. I'm a single mom who has to work or we lose the house. Not having a job is not an option. When the house is a mess and I just can't seem to keep up with cleaning, I remind myself that I can't afford a cleaner and my daughter can't live in filth (this part has actually been much easier as she got older and can help with cleaning tasks). For me, and again this is not universal advice and only what works for me, imagining myself and my daughter homeless (and we now house my aging mother) is enough to keep me going; that no matter how much I think I can't, I have to.

I think I have felt overwhelmed, guilty and/or embarrassed at the state of my life every day since I can remember, going right back to not being able to keep my room tidy and leaving homework to the last minute or not done at school.

I feel like I'm incapable of holding down a normal job because I can't keep on top of emails and recurring tasks, so in that sense it does affect my daily life. My child is always late to bed because I can't get organized enough to do dinner and things on time. I often miss out on rebates, returns, insurance claims and so on because I can't get organized enough to do them by the deadline. Getting one in on time feels like I've run a marathon.

I have been depressed in the past and recognise that I don't have the most positive outlook, but this feels separate. It's not that I feel apathetic about these things, it's that it takes up all of my mental energy and a lot of time and I still fail at them.