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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Move school.... again?

50 replies

Girlmom83 · 16/02/2024 14:28

AIBU to even consider 6 Yr old request?
Moved then 5 Yr old DD to new school to support her better with social skills (smaller more country school). Its over a year and she has noticeably not improved (has difficulty engaging and is quiet) I invest a lot of time in playdates etc so was willing to wait it out. She came to me recently asking to move to another school where her friend is (this friend does very well socially) and is begging me to consider it. She is alluding to the fact that she doesn't have good friends in HER school and I see her point. But moving doesn't mean her social skills would immediately improve just cause this 1 friend is there. But would her confidence improve just with that simple change? And help her socially.

My heart breaks for her when I see her in social situations and want what's best, but up and moving again is a serious decision.

OP posts:

Fionaville · 16/02/2024 14:34

I'm probably not the best person to answer because I home educate and see so many kids come out of school with no social skills and low confidence. Then they make lots of home ed friends and just blossom. But I know that's not an option for everyone.
Personally, I wouldn't keep her in a school where she's not socialising well, it'll do her self esteem and confidence no good at all. An unhappy child doesn't learn well anyway. So, I'd move her. I'd also sign her up for drama classes, to improve her confidence and hopefully make more friends.

TizerorFizz · 16/02/2024 14:35

She’s 6! Surely you don’t always do what she wants? You should be aware this friend will have made other friends at school. It’s inevitable and what happens if dd is not automatically included? It’s a huge risk.

Personally I would have stuck with the bigger school and village schools can be cliquey. It’s parents who rule the roost regarding who plays with who. Changing again is not likely to help as friend won’t abandon her friends. I would talk to the school before you do anything. Find out what’s happening at play time.

Picklestop · 16/02/2024 14:39

I don’t think a 6 year old should be taking the lead on what school she attends, this is a parents decision.

I also think you need to accept that some people take longer to make friends, find socialising harder and not put pressure on her or yourself because this isn’t happening as quickly as you would like. Moving schools every year isn’t likely to help either.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 16/02/2024 14:39

Absolutely mad to even consider it at this point. Otherwise you’ll be changing schools every time your child fancies a change.
not all kids ( people) are super social so don’t try and force it.

Agree with PP in that her friend will already have established friendships at school and your daughter might not be included. It could significantly backfire.

MixingPlaydough · 16/02/2024 14:39

She's 6 years old and has already been in two schools. The problem here is not that this one specific friend isn't at her school and moving her again is not going to fix the underlying problem, it'll act more like a sticky plaster until she finds some reason that school isn't suitable.

Personally I would have kept her the first school but now you've moved her I certainly wouldn't be pandering to her wish to move again. I would instead be working with her and the school to get to the root of the problem.

Oreosareawful · 16/02/2024 14:40

At that age my daughter had a new best friend every week. They all fall out all of the time and I'm constantly being told that so and so isn't friends with me any more, now I play with such and such. Then she's back to besties with the first one again.

I wouldn't be moving her just because of one friend being there.

twistyizzy · 16/02/2024 14:56

Why are you letting a 5/6yr old dictate everything? This is part of learning social skills and you should be supporting her to be able to do this rather than letting her constantly move schools. Friendships can be very fluid at this age anyway but ask the school for help and they will help suppprt her.

NachosAndCheese · 16/02/2024 15:03

And what if you move schools and this one friend decides she doesn’t want to be friends with her anymore, or they fall out or she moves away?

Have you actually spoken to the teachers about this?

Coyoacan · 16/02/2024 15:16

I think the issue here is your own anxiety about your child's social life. It is lovely for them to have friends at school but she should be able to get friends elsewhere

KnowledgeableMomma · 16/02/2024 15:20

Moving schools before did not resolve the issue. There is no evidence to expect another move would have her act differently. So, no, I would not be moving my 6-year-old again but instead bolstering social skills so that she can thrive anywhere.

mirror245 · 16/02/2024 15:48

I think if she's already had a school move then I wouldn't move again. It's not good for children to be reliant on one friend as it can all go wrong quickly. I'd work on her confidence and try and get her involved in clubs outside of school.

LadyDanburysHat · 16/02/2024 15:50

Not a chance. It would be a lot of pressure on the one friend too. Her issues are not going to be solved by one friend. You need to ask the school to help with her social skills as you are obviously doing all you can at home.

cryinglaughing · 16/02/2024 15:54

Moving her to a small school was probably a mistake with her already being socially awkward.
There will be less potential friends for her.

At a larger school, there will be a bigger range of personalities and hopefully one of those children would befriend her.

I certainly wouldn't move her to the school her friend is at but would definitely be looking for a school that is a better fit.

BoohooWoohoo · 16/02/2024 16:01

How would she cope when she went to this school and her friend was playing with other children because their friendships are already established? How would she cope seeing that this friend had a best friend and it’s not like social settings outside of school?

Is this girl her actual friend or is she the daughter of one of your friends? If it’s the latter then there’s a high likelihood of them drifting as it’s the mums being friends that have led to them knowing each other.

Social stuff at school is very important as it makes school more bearable but it sounds like she is banking on this girl being an instant friend when it’s unlikely to work out like that. With 2 unsuccessful starts to school I think it’s time to look into why rather than moving again. It’s time to ask the school to stand up and offer solutions or consider home education rather than constantly changing schools imo.

zingally · 16/02/2024 16:43

With 2 unsuccessful starts into school, maybe you need to look a little deeper?

xyz111 · 16/02/2024 16:54

Is she in year 6, or 6 years old? If the latter, keep in her school. Lots of children are still finding their social feet at that age.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/02/2024 16:54

I wouldn’t unless there’s another reason for moving school. 3 schools by age 6 is a lot.
What activities does she go to?
I’d get her enrolled in Rainbow ms and on wait list for Brownies and see if that will help with friendships.

Sirzy · 16/02/2024 16:56

Moving her for one other child would be madness and unfair on both children!

suafa · 16/02/2024 16:56

I went to 7 schools and absolutely hated being the new kid all the time. Leave her where she is and find an extra curricular club for her to try.

Original poster

Girlmom83 · 16/02/2024 17:08

Thank you, yes rhese are also my thoughts. Coming to me so upset highlighted all of my stresses with her socially. She is in plenty of activities for this very reason... none of them are yielding friendships. I wouldn't move her for this child in particular,, just as a stepping stone into a more social environment. This school is also where I am from I went to school there myself so I know the community. The other girl isn't a friend's daughter just a friend from the childminders. Social skills are not easy for her, i want to give her the best start and its now or never. But I agree moving again is more likely not going to fix this. We moved from the first school as it was an all Irish speaking school and i felt that an English school would suit her better.

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 16/02/2024 17:23

What activities does she do? Some are better for making friends than others. Reason I suggested girlguiding was we have a lot of girls join who are struggling socially or a bit quirky and we do activities that help and encourage friendship.

snoopyfanaccountant · 16/02/2024 17:32

As heartbreaking as it is to watch a child struggle like this, I wouldn't be moving her. She has already moved once and that didn't help her. She would be the new girl trying to break into established friendship groups at the new school and that's particularly hard part of the way through the year.
As someone else has suggested, I would be looking into getting her into Rainbows or a similar group as these activities tend to encourage the girls to work together as a team.

RatatouillePie · 16/02/2024 17:36

She is 6 years old! Not many 6 year olds have a bestie!

I have 8 year old twins and they still chop and change the people they play with on a regular basis. One has a best friend from nursery who goes to a different school. We meet up a few times a year and they get on so well, but I'm not moving schools for 1 friend!

And this "friend" she has... what's to say that this friend doesn't already have a group of friends she plays with at school, so it might not work out?

A bigger school isn't necessarily a more social environment. You just need to encourage her to be an individual and find out what stuff she enjoys in life. Focus on those.

5 years will fly by and before you know it, she will be at secondary school with lots of new people to get to know!

My DS started secondary school coming from a small primary school with not many boys in his year group. A few years in, he has some amazing new friends he has met through school clubs and is really happy.

cansu · 16/02/2024 17:37

You would be encouraging your child to think that this is a solution to her difficulty. It is also likely that the other child ready has friends or that this friendship may not stick. Your dd needs to settle where she is. You need to continue to support her friendships as much as you can. You also need to perhaps consider brownies or similar so she can build her social skills whilst having fun.

Onelifeonly · 16/02/2024 17:40

Repeated school moves are not good for a child. They affect academic outcomes but also personal, emotional and social aspects too. And if she struggles socially, it may be she needs more support with this - not a change of playmates. Staying with children who know her and accept her idiosyncrasies could actually be protective and supportive. Being the newcomer usually results in a flurry of interest from peers but can lead to rejection and withdrawal - you can't keep putting her through this.

One of mine struggled socially (diagnosed ADHD at 6) though initially it didn't bother her - bothered me a lot more. She was in a primary class where weirdly there were never more than 8 girls in total (out of 30, state school) - one or two left at various times and others joined but never more than 8. She didn't get on with all of them but she also wasn't just left out either.

Out of school she could make new friends easily but they never lasted for long - hours, days, weeks or months only. Basically she was quite overwhelming and bossy and didn't take account of others' feelings. We never found an answer as such but kept encouraging her to join groups and be social and gradually things improved. As a young adult now she has a number of good close friends. I think repeated school moves would have been disastrous.

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