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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to get up in the morning

30 replies

Mummen · 16/02/2024 07:32

Hi there,

So we have 2 year old and a 5 year old boys who share a room. They share a room because they both want to and initially slept better together.

The 2 year old wakes multiple times a night and I often end up getting into bed beside him and falling asleep myself for a couple of hours. It isn't ideal because he then wakes again later when I've gone back to my own bed and it starts all over again. If I don't go to him when he wakes he cries and cries, and does the same thing if his dad goes to him instead of me. I know the best thing would be for him to settle himself back to sleep but we're a long way from that.

Added to that I get up with the boys in the morning 6 out of 7 days a week. On the 7th my husband will get up only because I've had enough by that stage and tell him it's his turn. Every week. This morning he tried to go to the youngest but youngest just cried for me so he gave up and it's on me AGAIN. Says he isn't doing it until I sort out the sleeping problem. They cry and whinge with me in the morning too but if I don't get up nobody will.

For context, we split everything else fairly equally. We both work the same standard office hours. He does a bit more DIY and keeping things working, I do a bit more childcare. But we share cooking, cleaning, shopping and everything else.

AIBU to keep sleeping with my 2 year old for part of the night so that we all get some sleep and expecting my husband to get up with the kids more than once a week?

Added to that, if anyone has any advice on getting the 2 year old to sleep better without lots of crying I will gratefully take it.

OP posts:

Pacificisolated · 16/02/2024 07:38

I would probably just put the two year old in my bed. That way when they wake they see you are there and settle straight back to sleep.

Lavenderbluerose · 16/02/2024 07:41

I would sleep train to be honest. I know it can be contentious on here but personally I get very little sleep with a wriggling toddler in my bed.

Your DH should be getting up, though.

ColdButSunny · 16/02/2024 07:42

It's really unfair of your DH not to let you have ONE lie in a week when you get up with the kids the rest of the time, and to make out that this is your fault for not "sorting out the sleeping problem". He's being an arse.

AndThatWasNY · 16/02/2024 07:43

What a bastard.

SecondUsername4me · 16/02/2024 07:44

Yes, your dh should be doing his share of the get ups.

However, your 2yo seems to be in the habit now of only wanting you, and because you and dh seem to just settle for the solution of you getting in with him when he wakes, this is now what he needs and I imagine it's challenging on dhs turn because the 2yo wants you because that's what he is used to.

Fix the night waking between you and dh. Then the shared mornings will work better.

airforsharon · 16/02/2024 07:46

SecondUsername4me · 16/02/2024 07:44

Yes, your dh should be doing his share of the get ups.

Fix the night waking between you and dh. Then the shared mornings will work better.

This. Your 2yo's sleeping habits are affecting all of you, so it's something you and your DH need to pull together to resolve.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2024 07:48

Tough to them sharing a room when it's not working.

The only way for your 2 year old to not whinge for you is if your husband does it more. You can't sort it. Only he can.

Your husband sounds horrible.

Original poster

Mummen · 16/02/2024 07:51

Lavenderbluerose · 16/02/2024 07:41

I would sleep train to be honest. I know it can be contentious on here but personally I get very little sleep with a wriggling toddler in my bed.

Your DH should be getting up, though.

We did sleep train when they were younger and it worked for a while but I'm not sure how to do it now when they're both sharing a room so as not to wake the other. Might be time for the older one to have a sleepover with nan and grandad while we sort that younger ones sleep.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummen · 16/02/2024 07:53

SecondUsername4me · 16/02/2024 07:44

Yes, your dh should be doing his share of the get ups.

Fix the night waking between you and dh. Then the shared mornings will work better.

This is exactly it.
Thanks for the support that fixing the night sleeping shouldn't all be on me.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 16/02/2024 07:54

Get the Ferber sleep training book.

Original poster

Mummen · 16/02/2024 08:02

TheShellBeach · 16/02/2024 07:54

Get the Ferber sleep training book.

We used this when they were babies and it worked brilliantly. I've slipped back into bad habits now though so need to re-read it for some tips.

Have you tried following it with a toddler?

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 16/02/2024 08:56

Mummen · 16/02/2024 08:02

We used this when they were babies and it worked brilliantly. I've slipped back into bad habits now though so need to re-read it for some tips.

Have you tried following it with a toddler?

Show quote history

Yes! It was our first baby and she was about two and four months.

I read the book and didn't believe for one minute that it would work, but I decided that if we were going to give it a go, we had to follow it to the letter.

So we did - and the first night was hell. It took about three hours before she went to sleep the first time - then she woke up about four hours later and we had to do it again - but she actually went back to sleep after an hour. This was repeated at about 4.30 - then she slept till morning.

The second night, I was dreading it, but it only took about forty minutes before she went to sleep. Then she woke once, and fell asleep after another twenty minutes.

And on the third night, I put her in her cot and she just went to sleep. All night. And that was the end of the sleep training.

It was essential that both DH and I were on the same page with this. We both needed to understand what we were doing, and why. I've read on here quite often that babies' fathers sometimes interrupt the proceedings and decide the sleep training isn't working. You have to commit to it. It is quick when you do.

SecondUsername4me · 16/02/2024 09:23

Sleep training is brutal, but it's so worth it. It helps them even though at first it doesn't look that way.

And yes it needs to be a team effort.

If you have space to put one of the dc overnight elsewhere in the house do that while the training is going on.

Mariposistaaa · 16/02/2024 09:30

You seriously need to sleep train. And tell them firmly that if they are going to disturb each other and/or you and DH in the night then they can't share a room, end of. Night time is for sleep, everyone in their own bed, not moving around like musical chairs and making a noise.

Original poster

Mummen · 16/02/2024 16:56

Thanks for the tips everyone! Thankfully he goes to bed on his own ok, it's just the night wakings that are a problem.

Tonight seems like as good a night as any to restart sleep training. Putting the older one in the spare room for a night or 2 is a good idea.

Wish us luck!

OP posts:

2Old2Tango · 16/02/2024 17:03

Do you have space in the house for your boys to have separate rooms? Maybe it's time to move the youngest out and make it exciting by decorating their rooms in a theme they'd each really like. Then you can tackle the sleep training again so it doesn't affect the eldest so much.

Isthisexpected · 16/02/2024 17:07

Take it in turns to get into bed with your toddler in the night so it's not always you beside him when he wakes for the day. Your husband is being lazy. Of course your toddler wants you but if your husband made some fun things to do downstairs in the morning he'd be fine.

TheShellBeach · 16/02/2024 17:14

Good luck with the sleep training tonight!

Mememe9898 · 16/02/2024 22:33

No advice as my nearly 6 year old still wakes in the night but we tell him to just pop into bed with us and now we don’t even notice it as he gets himself back to sleep on his own. The same with my 3.5 year old.
My husband does 90% of the night wakings. The boys seem to want him and I disagree with the whole lying down next to them and would rather sleep train them. I find my eldest is a lost cause though as even my 3.5 year old sleeps all night in his bed.
We both work full time too and I do all the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, kids activities etc… weve got a cleaner. He does the bins, tidying up and pays for the majority of the bills.
Sounds like he already does his fair share and it’s you that take the path of least resistance and can’t stand him/her crying. My husband is the same so I’ve told him that if he won’t do the sleep training then he has to deal with the consequences of the kids waking up constantly. When my youngest was 5 months old I sleep trained him and he was and still is a better sleeper than my eldest. We caved way too much with him and took the path of least resistance and it’s something that my husband and I fundamentally disagree on as now we are in this mess because of the choices that were made.

Worcestershirem0mmy · 16/02/2024 22:47

I had a perfect sleeper (my middle child). She was amazing, until she turned 2. Then she morphed into a devil baby that fancied all nighters!

My life was an exhausting hell for over a year and a half because I appeased her every single night, upto 6 times a night sometimes. I was so afraid of her waking up her sister (13 months younger) and her brother (2 years older) because the thought of THREE children awake in the night was just too much.

Me and my husband finally had enough after almost 2 years of no sleep so we just let her scream the house down for about a week. All night 5/6 times a night at first. We’d always let her know we were there but never let her stay up/out of bed/us get in the bed with her, because it was just making us exhausted and miserable.

We did this in our week off work so we wouldn’t go to work ready to cry our eyes out! And it took a whole week. Shes now 4 and a half and she sleeps through the night. Thank God!

I know it’s annoying hearing ‘just persevere’ but you really need to. You’ll feel so much better in the long run xxx

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 16/02/2024 23:10

Why does your husband have a choice and you don't?

NewName24 · 16/02/2024 23:39

I voted YANBU for expecting your dh to get up, but I actually do think YABU for not sharing all the work.
Lack of sleep is a killer. Both parents should be sharing that. For us that was alternate nights. If, for some unfathomable reason you don't want to do alternate nights, then the least he could do is get up every morning with whoever wakes up first, to give you a small amount of time back to compensate for the night waking.

Weenurse · 16/02/2024 23:48

Good luck

PoppingTomorrow · 16/02/2024 23:50

Says he isn't doing it until I sort out the sleeping problem

Why is that your responsibility? What does he think is the solution?

Suchagroovyguy · 17/02/2024 00:02

Says he isn't doing it until I sort out the sleeping problem

Wow. A team player this one ain’t. 🖕🏻

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