To be concerned about husband's weight

[Littlelighthouse]

DH has always been on the 'bigger side' as long as I've known him. His weight isn't something that's ever bothered me attraction wise, but since having a child it's something I've grown increasingly concerned about.
He's 6ft 2, and the number on the scales has always been 'bigger', but he always looked in proportion to his height. However, since covid, things have just gotten really out of hand. He's an emotional eater and if he's sad he turns to food, just as if he's happy/wants to celebrate he turns to food. He hasn't weighed himself for months now, but last time he did he was over 19st and was disgusted with himself, which was so hard to see. I know he can lose the weight though, as for our wedding he decided to and he lost 2 stone (bringing him to just over 15st at the time) and honestly looked in the best shape I'd seen him in and he said he felt better/healthier too, but then it was covid.
We come from very different backgrounds regarding eating/exercise. As a child I hardly ate out/had takeaways (more of a parents financial issue than anything else), and exercised 3 times a week through various activities from being about 6 years old. DH, however, had parents who worked long hours and so they relied on McDonald's/burger king etc. He also did no out of school activities/exercise. His parents and siblings are all also overweight.
We are very open, and I've shared my concerns about passing bad habits onto our child, but he is very adamant that he doesn't want them having the same upbringing around food that he did.
But my biggest concern is that his dad is currently in hospital with heart failure (+other things caused by his weight). He's only in his late fifties, and I can sadly see this being th future for my husband and it terrifies me.
I've tried to talk to him in the past gently, and he says he wants to change, but he does absolutely nothing to make those changes. It's such a sensitive subject for him and it's something he was bullied about growing up, so I'm cautious to not evoke shame, but I also feel like I'm just sitting back and watching him put himself in an early grave.
So AIBU to be concerned? And if not, how would you gently approach the subject again?
Thank you

Sorry you're going through this. You sound like a really supportive wife and mum who wants the best for her family. In terms of emotional eating, is he open to having some sort of counselling for that? Difficult to advise on what you could do, particularly as you say it's a sensitive subject and you don't want him to be singled out. Is there perhaps something you could do together, so it's more of a lifestyle change? You could look into something like Intermittent Fasting/Time Restricted Eating, which people use for not just weight loss but also to manage inflammation, etc. This may mean you having a different eating routine to your child but depending on how young they are, this might not matter at the moment anyway. There's a lot out there to read up on and you can start slowly (so as not to overwhelm) but even if he started with a 12 hour window and doesn't graze at all in the other 12 hours, it's a start. Obviously that might not be a great suggestion but wishing you all the best with it all.

Best advice? Make your life together healthier.

Choose to cook healthy meals when its your turn - lots of fish & veg.

Suggest activities together that keep you moving, build habits of a regular walk or bike ride together.

Make it fun, look for slightly different activities that get you moving but are sociable for example.

Im at the tipping point of overweight, my DH keeps weight off much more easily than me (different body type). The worst thing is when he expects me to exercise, but to self motivate and do it on alone. Or when he buys/cooks higher calorie foods on his night, or drinks alcohol when I'm trying not to.

Also be understanding. Exercise might feel good/enjoyable for you in a way it simply doesn't to him. I once got really fit (ran a half marathon) and every body was saying doesn't it feel good, running feels great when you are fit, and honestly it never did. I didn't enjoy any of those runs, even running slower/shorter distances eg a 5k just felt hard and unpleasant every time, i had to make myself do it.

I disagree, the only person who can decide to address their eating and exercise habits is her husband. Trying to jolly him along with salads and stir fries is not going to touch the sides of the problem.

Lay it out OP, he's got a short window of time to address his health before it becomes too late. My relative is bedridden, stuck in incontinence pants, with legs that are starting to rot from the toes up because she didn't manage her weight. She can only be moved with hoists. Not many years ago she was considered just a very plump lady but she had a relatively minor accident that caused massive knock on effects all because of her weight.

Maybe the sight of his dad might bring it home to him.

Calprie counting is great. Can still have treats etc,bank calories for a drink at the weekend.

Really helps with portion control. When we weigh our carbs we always drop weight quick. I don't mean drastically for me it might be 90grams of cooked rice instead of 100. A man's rive portion Is 125,i know my brother was eating 250 or atvleast trying to everyday az he thought an unclr bens microwave portion was for one lol.

Or potatoes,I only eat 160grams men might eat around 220-250 depending on what they are having with it.

Also cutting out hidden cals,like in olive oil,butter,mosy condiments really. There's nearly a lighter version of every thing!

I know he has to decide but helps when your partner is onboatd too

I appreciate everyone's replies and just want to reiterate that of course this is a joint thing and I don't expect my husband to do this by himself. We are a family and we work together as a family, so of course I will make changes with him. I was just looking for advice as how to approach the subject again without making him feel ashamed (which would just drive him to eat).

I would write hem a letter. Sounds corny but it can be easier to express yourself clearly.

Your posts are similar to someone tiptoeing around an addict. Only he can decide to change. You need to protect yourself.

Only he can change op the best thing to do is not bring it up I’m afraid as if he’s a emotional eater and you bringing it up it could come across as him thinking you don’t find him attractive= more comfort eating.

I would advise the best thing you can do is cook healthy meals plan fun activities but please don’t push as hard as it is.

My Dh is similar in that he is an emotional eater and has piled on weight over the past few years.
I suggested we try to lost weight together, I’m not over weight but at the upper end of ok. So we cleared everything out of the house which is processed, and we’re cooking from stretch, he’s on NOOM which he’s found really helpful to learn about food and how calorific things are. He’s really got into it and says it’s so much easier because there’s no temptations in the house and we’re doing it together.

At his age he does need to be careful, would he consider going to the Drs and having an overall check up- blood pressure, cholesterol etc?

I'd recommend doing Zoe together. It's focused on health and getting blood sugar scores, what your microbiome is like etc is very illuminating. It doesn't focus on weight loss but on eating better for your body.

I actually don’t think there is anything you can do. He is obviously well aware of his weight - he lost weight for your wedding, he knows he’s put it back on, he knows his Dad is unwell with issues made worse by being overweight. He’s not daft. I think you need to be careful that you don’t become a nag about it all - I know it’s coming from a place of concern but honestly as someone who is overweight myself (mainly through long term steroid use for autoimmune issues) there is nothing worse than someone going on at you or trying to “helpfully” change things. It’s a bit like being an alcoholic- it’s a similar addiction. He needs to reach a point of wanting to change himself.

People eating MacDonalds etc. regularly don't need to spaff £100s on Zoe (I'd argue no one does).

Difficult one. I understand what you’re saying, but it sounds like it’s up to you to devise healthy eating plans and then your husband may or may not engage (but will probably be upset and sulk about you raising the problem). I wish I had another adult to deal with my life for me….

He knows he’s overweight, and he could/would do something if he wanted to. Understandably you’re worried about his health though, no idea what the answer is other than him taking responsibility for himself.

Some people need to see the actual impact of McD on their blood sugar, blood fat response and the long term impact on their microbiome in order to be shocked into eating differently, and that is what Zoe does. We all know McD is unhealthy in theory, but actually watching your blood sugar spike and crash brings that message home differently. I will never eat a steak slice again after watching my blood sugar spike at 12 within an hour of eating it. I knew they were unhealthy before, but I didn't know how they affect me before.

I'd just mention that you want to try and be healthier as a family. Cooking using less fat, adding more veg and less carbs to the plate, stock up on loads of healthy snacks you all like. Then also you could try and get him moving a bit. Just go for nice long walks locally at first, then maybe see if he's up for joining a gym (with you) once he's a bit more confident with exercise? If he's into team sports could he join a 5 a side team locally or something? Also taking the child swimming as a family is good exercise. I think if you introduce it kind of organically without even really mentioning his weight, as he already knows he's too big. Heart issues are a literal killer sometimes for men in their 50s. My dad was one of them. It's great you want to help him get healthier.

I empathise but the truth is, unless he decides to do it, nothing will change. I am in a similar boat except my partner is very active - gym 5 times a week and a physical job. But he just doesn't seem to be able to put the fork down in the evenings. His dad had a heart attack a few years ago, my partner himself has an autoimmune and clotting disorders which would improve drastically with weight loss. He is about 17st now and needs to be somewhere around 15 for his height and muscle mass. Unfortunately, he thinks that because he is active, he can eat as much as he wants and he massively underestimates how calorie dense most of his meals are.
All I can do is to be encouraging (and keeping snacks out of the house as much as possible).

Except that sugar spikes are normal after any food consumption.

My DH died at 60 after a lifetime of obesity , type 2 diabetes, heart disease etc. He had weight loss surgery in his 30's but he seemed to find ways to still eat what he wanted.
Two of my children are still at university and his recent sudden death has been so difficult for them that I genuinely feared they'd drop out of uni. I'm not sure what advice I can offer but there's a really stark reality when someone's facing multiple co morbidities in their 50's.
He had just become a grandfather and it's really upsetting to think my 1 year old grandson won't remember him.

Just reading your comments about facing this as a family and I'm probably being negative due to my own situation but I can't help but feel my DH bowed out of his commitment to his family when he allowed his weight to soar to the extent that his health declined. The reality for us is that he couldn't even get life insurance due to his weight issues. You can face it as a family in terms of supporting him but he needs to face reality.

I think you need to be really careful as a lot of these suggestions come across as being pretty infantilising and patronising.

If my DH suddenly insisted on cooking me lots of fish and veg, or told me to use an app to measure how certain foods affected me, I would feel like he thought I was a bit thick, quite frankly. It certainly wouldn't make me feel loved or like he was coming from a place of concern.

Honestly OP I would sit down together and just have a very frank, open and honest chat. Even if it’s a difficult one to have. I would hope if it was me then my husband would feel able to do that and I would if the roles were reversed.

I’m with @Mrsttcno1 my DH had a Frank discussion with me about my weight and health and he was right- I owed it to DS and myself to be as healthy as possible (lots of serious chronic illnesses). I got counselling to help with the emotional eating, used Ozempic and followed a healthy eating plan and lost 25kg. I still have bad days but I’ve learnt to feel my feelings and not eat them.

You have completely misunderstood Zoe. It's not just an app. It's about being proactive about your health with personalized evidence from your microbiome (poo sample), blood sugar responsiveness (wearing a monitor for a fortnight while logging foods) and blood fat responsiveness (eating a test meal then taking blood after a given amount of time).

Many people who aren't overweight are doing Zoe. Which is why I thought it might be of interest to OP. They could both do it under guise of being healthier and understanding more about their own bodies.

@Catza of course blood sugar spikes are expected. However a rapid rise and subsequent rapid crash is not ideal and what leads, over years and years, to insulin resistance and the prediabetic state I was in. Doing Zoe showed me that my personal blood sugar and blood fat responses were both very poor and I feel it has pulled me back from the brink of a future of type 2 diabetes.

You've totally swallowed the Zoe hype! It's great that it's working for you but it is prohibitively expensive for most people and lacking in scientific evidence. It's like prescribing a Peleton subscription to someone who could get just as healthy going out for a brisk walk every day.

https://unherd.com/2023/10/we-need-to-talk-about-zoe/
https://www.ft.com/content/abe98fe9-bf58-461b-aa9a-313ed9a49f82

I think the less you say at the moment, the better. Trust me when I say us overweight people are generally aware of their weight. It also sounds like he is overweight rather than obese? If so, while he would no doubt benefit from some lifestyle changes, his health isn't under imminent threat.

He'll be emotionally wobbly at the moment over his dad, it's not the time to try and change his eating habits. I think you need to just offer your love and support to him. Change has to come from him.

Definitely sounds like the ideas of active family life are good and set a great example for your child though 🙂

p.s. the Zoe stuff reads like sponsored content and if my husband came to me with that, I'd not be receptive.

Shaming people into change isn't effective. I'm not suggesting that's what you are intending to do, but bringing up his weight, or referring to FIL, or discussing the health implications would likely all have the same effect - which you know, because you mention that he'd emotionally eat.

If he eats to deal with unhappy feelings then he needs to find another thing that he enjoys that lifts his mood, otherwise any attempts at healthy eating will go out of the window at the first sign of stress. People say that weight loss is always down to diet and not exercise, and while it is definitely true that we can't out exercise a bad diet, the mood lift that comes with regular exercise can really help some people to curb their emotional eating.

Could you have a conversation with him about whether he'd be up for setting a goal to be more active? Just something as simple as walking daily would make a difference initially. Focusing on goals for positive things (health) is much more likely to be effective than focusing on negative things (things we want to stop or restrict)