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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Row with DH

17 replies

reallyquite · 15/02/2024 21:18

Just had a massive row with DH. We had a baby last year and moved to be nearer to family. I left my job during my mat leave and have been looking for work since Dec. I’ve had a few first and second round interviews but no offer yet. I’m gutted and stressed as I know we need my income, but I can only apply for the jobs that are listed and work my contacts, which I’m doing.

I asked DH to look over a covering letter for me and he suggested I should talk to a friend of his, who is in a similar (but not the same) sector as me. He’s mentioned it a couple of times and I don’t reply as I’m not sure the friend’s feedback will be useful. Yes, I want a job and am seeking out all of my contacts but this person is a bit too tangential.

He was visibly angry, said he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t talk to his friend because they have so much insight, etc. I reiterated that I felt they were a bit far removed and while I don’t have a job yet, I’m getting interviews and just need to find the right fit. He rolled his eyes again and said it was foolish of me not to talk to his contact.

I’ve never been so cross with him in my life. I’ve been working for nearly 20 years in my field and it makes me angry that he tells me how things go (he’s in a completely different field). Mansplainign, basically. We were both sat in the living room but I got up and told him I didn’t want to see him and am now camped in our room fuming. AIBU?

OP posts:

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 15/02/2024 21:25

Sounds like you are both stressed.

you wanted dh to look over your cover letter. But say he has no clue about your field. So why would looking over it help if he has no useful insight.

I get how it can be annoying that he keeps making the same suggestion of ‘speak to my friend’.

But you ask for his input and don’t reply when he gives it which is ‘talk to my friend’. He gets frustrated you don’t answer. You then decide you don’t need his advice even though you asked for it.

Then you both get annoyed, on top of stress if it important you get a second income and you end up with situations like this.

Personally, I would let the friend look over it to resolve the argument. But I would have in the first places it could harm. If I really wanted a job I would take all the advice I could.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 15/02/2024 21:27

But also if you are getting interviews, doesn’t sound like your husband needs to look over the cover letter. It’s not the issue.

So your dhs input or the friends input on the cover letter won’t help. Which begs the question why do you keep asking him to look it over?

CharmedCult · 15/02/2024 21:27

So does your DH work in the same sector as you?

Is that why you want him to look over your cover letter and not his friend?

10ThousandSpoons · 15/02/2024 21:28

He’s mentioned it a couple of times and I don’t reply as I’m not sure the friend’s feedback will be useful. why don't you reply? That's really annoying

MidnightSerenader · 15/02/2024 21:30

If the friend is in a similar (but not the same) sector, then isn’t it just about the insights or contacts he might be able to pass along?

He might not be able to help you directly, but he might know someone or something that could help.

It seems odd to me that you would be so resolute in refusing this contact, when you’re very actively job-hunting, and not - as yet -
having any success.

How would it hurt to make contact with this person?

You may well be proved right - and he isn’t able to help or advise, in any way, shape or form. But how does it hurt to just find out…..?

Ethylred · 15/02/2024 21:30

You involve him in your cover letter and then go silent when he replies. Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer.

KreedKafer · 15/02/2024 21:33

He’s just trying to make a helpful suggestion. You don’t actually lose anything by having his friend look over your covering letter. I think you’re being really stubborn and weird about this.

CinnabarRed · 15/02/2024 21:35

It seems really short sighted of you not to spend half an hour speaking to your DH’s friend - you never know what he might have to say. And if his input is rubbish then you’ve only lost a few minutes. Your pass-agg way of dealing with it feels guaranteed to wind your DH up. And I can’t see mansplaining here at all.

BrightLightTonight · 15/02/2024 21:37

If you are getting interviews then your covering letter is fine. Maybe you OH wants you to speak to his friend so he can help with your interviewing techniques. Why are yo7 so set against talking to him?

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2024 21:38

I can see why you are frustrated about your work situation. In this instance his suggestion to talk to his mate could well have been a genuine offer to help you? If the mate was female would it have been better?
He was wrong to huff at you as it's your choice, but you could've just said 'Oh, thanks, yeah I might do.' You mention you can only apply for listed jobs but maybe this person knows people who are hiring before the jobs go public? You never know, but I wouldn't take it as a massive slur on your DH's part, annoying as it may be.

10ThousandSpoons · 15/02/2024 21:38

Maybe he's getting desperate for you to find a job as you quit your job on mat leave?

Original poster

reallyquite · 15/02/2024 23:39

Yes we are both quite keen for me to be working. We planned for a time of unemployment after our move (we’ve moved long distance so I couldn’t keep my previous post and wasn’t able to do much application during mat leave) but it is stressful not having a job! We were lucky to have saved up a bit to get through this period and to be able to get by on DH’s wage alone, although just barely.

I asked him to read the letter because he’s got a good eye for grammar and I’ve had a few rubbish nights sleep up with DS. I asked if he thought it sounded okay, and that was when he launched into me contacting his friend because the friend has more knowledge.

I wouldnt generally be opposed to contacting as many people as I can (I’m doing lots of this already), but when I spoke to this friend a couple of months ago, they didn’t have anything useful to offer, said some general and broad things but agreed our sectors are too dissimilar. I reminded DH of this and he repeated I should just try again, and said his friend just knows soooo much, and his body language was showing he was obviously irritated with me. It’s the tone of voice and the body language really that do me in. He also said, do you want me to ask them if you can talk to them? Obviously I’ve already said no and, no, I didn’t need you to ask anyone anything for me! It felt like such a shock, so belittling and demeaning.

I know we are both keen for me to be working but I feel having had a good response to my CV it’s going alright so far, and not to the point where I need to ask contacts, again, if they can help me when we’ve already spoken and agreed they’re not of much help!

OP posts:

DreamTheMoors · 15/02/2024 23:50

OMG I sooo feel you on the mansplaining.
My ex is/was a pilot. We had the exact same amount of university education.
He trained to become a pilot.
To listen to him pontificate, you’d think he was a brain surgeon, a jungle scientist and Jesus all rolled into one.
He spoke down to me on the regular, and then one too many times.
I have no advice on the friend - just don’t let the pettiness get you down.
Have patience and believe in yourself - the right position will come soon enough.

MidnightSerenader · 16/02/2024 00:15

If you said in your OP that you’d already spoken to the friend and it wasn’t any help, you’d have got different replies….?

DepartureLounge · 16/02/2024 01:56

Oh god, just don't ask for his input. The moment you do, he feels obliged to try and solve the problem for you. Your applications are already getting you interviews, so there's no problem with your covering letters. If you ask him or his friend for any help at all, maybe it should be interview practice. Or maybe just have confidence in yourself and treat it like a numbers game.

"Camping out in your room fuming" sounds suspiciously like sulking to me. If I were you I'd go back downstairs, and explain that you're tired and stressed and that you didn't really want help, you wanted reassurance.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/02/2024 07:41

It's so so frustrating providing for someone who is trying but not get getting a job and feeling like they are turning down ideas that could help is very frustrating too

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 16/02/2024 13:32

He’s mentioned it a couple of times and I don’t reply as I’m not sure the friend’s feedback will be useful.

So this statement is now but when I spoke to this friend a couple of months ago, they didn’t have anything useful to offer, said some general and broad things but agreed our sectors are too dissimilar

Gone from ‘not sure it’s helpful’ to ‘I have already spoke to him and it’s not helpful’

and He’s mentioned it a couple of times and I don’t reply is now that you do reply and said no several times and also reminded him it’s not helpful.

The cover letter is fine. Even if you wrote it when tired you could have checked it later. But you are getting interviews. So there’s nothing wrong with the cover letter. You know it and he knows it. You keep going to him but ignore what he says.

On too of which you are both stressed about money and things easily blow up in that situation

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