Our youngest child was in the unique position of a) being terribly bullied and b) us finally having enough money to send her to private school wwjd?

[Wills]

As the title suggests our youngest was terribly bullied in year 7. Because for the first time we finally had resources, I opted to send her to a local private school. We have four, so the other 3 kinda went to state, so number 1 went to a specialist school for special needs, number 2 went to a grammar where it took her until year 11 to find her feet and number 3 was seriously bullied all the way through (same school as my number 4 got assigned to via the council).

AIBU to think the schooling programme is broken!!

I'm in a county where the 11+ exists. DD2 did really well and for a whole year I thought this was a good system, then I started to see that whilst academically she was incredible (August baby with 2 sats 6s - extremely rare but does happen) but emotional growth she could/should have been down 2 years. So in year 6 emotionally she was year 4. She sailed through the 11+, indeed got major highs, but emotionally 2 years below.

DD2, despite us not understanding the private schooling system. would have benefitted from being at private school. Neither myself not my husband went to private school. We were raised with the idea that private schooling is the remit of parents with a lot (I'm talking about giving diamonds as teacher presents) of money. We're not like that.

We're classic lower (my dh wants to claim that both of us were upper working class and I have no problem with that but...) middle class parents. Both of us were there first in our family to attend uni. I grew up in London suburbs with little to no community feel. My dh, luckily, grew up in a tiny village where his going to uni was seen as a massive achievement and the whole village community put resources together to buy him stuff for uni that most in our situation wouldn't have afforded

My mother is Mrs Bucket (Bouquet extrodinare) - I've only watched the show once! It was too painful, reminded me of my mother.

So my eldest 2 are very jealous. I've talked far too much, but is it wrong when you're finally in a financial position to help a child to do so?

In terms of regret if I could find a Time Machine (Tardis) to take me back I'd sell everything and let them all go the same way. So...

WWYD?

I dont understand the question? What would I do about what?

Private school won't protect you from bullying. It's simply the luck of the draw, who you end up in a year group with. Some of the nicest children go to state school; some of the most awful go to private. In both sectors, it's difficult to get rid of a bully, unless they do something that warrants exclusion (vaping/drugs/alcohol for example).

But I see what your older children are jealous - because you are doing something to try to help the youngest, whereas they just had to stick it out.

Ask them, if they had the money themselves, would they try to help the youngest themselves, or would they genuinely take the attitude of "if I had to go through it then so do you". Surely their answer would be that they would help.

But you must acknowledge how unfair this must seem to them.

Do you think private schools don't have issues with bullying? You'd be wrong, sadly.
Was there really no other state option for your older child?

I’m not sure private education is the magic panacea you seem to imagine it to be. Rich kids will not necessarily be any less likely to bully your child.
Does your DC attend any activities outside of their current school where they mix with other children from all different schools and backgrounds and formed a community that might make their days at evil more bearable? We’ve found rugby and archery to be really good for both the girls and the boys in our family.
There are other ways of instilling confidence, resilience and a sense of community.
I was bullied at secondary school and hated the place, but my saving grace was my p/t job, group of slightly older friends from different schools and county band rehearsals.

The way you are speaking sounds as if the private school is some kind of Shangri La compared to other schools. You mentioned your Mum being a snob (Bucket lol) and you also mentioned which social class you perceive you belong to so maybe it has been something a bit aspirational for a while.

The thing about private schools is they are often more academic, with less disruptive kids/ misbehaviour, but they don't suit every kid. A lot of kids come from very wealthy backgrounds, so bullying of those who might be perceived as not like that is possible. If your heart is set on this school then send her there. Your other kids will have to get over it sadly. It won't necessarily be nicer or more fun for the child at private though.

My DNiece was horribly bullied at her private secondary. It's not a panacea.

Im also unsure what you’re asking. My youngest is at private and eldest in state. DC2 was getting bullied and in bottom sets with very low expectations (missed SATs due to covid) was worst of all worlds so we moved him to small indie. DC1 has lovely friends and does well academically in most subjects (and we’re buying in a tutor where she’s struggling). DC1 did have nose out of joint but understands that dc2 was having different experience to her and accepts situation.

I would worry that my elder children resent the younger child because of your decision to send her to a private school.

Private schools don’t magically eradicate bullying. There is as much bullying in independent schools as state schools. If there are sound reasons and you can afford it then do it (I privately educate my child so not intrinsically opposed).

But going in imagining it will “fix” the bullying issue would be a mistake.