To feel like my in-laws just don't want to see my children

[Fridayisnear]

My in-laws have always been incredibly close with my sister-in-law's children; they see them at least once or twice a week and also have them for sleep overs very regularly. My sister-in-law very regularly just last minute drops them round and although my in-law's have made the odd comment about being irritated by this, they never say no and always seem to genuinely love being with them.

However, I really feel this feeling is not extended to my children. I have told MIL a million times she can see DC absolutely any time she likes; she's always welcome to join us if we're doing something on my one day off (DC are in nursery other 4 days a week) and we try to see them on the odd weekend. But they never ask to see them at all. DH picked up on it too and tried to speak to them to see if there was a reason they didn't want to be as involved which they dismissed. DH and I were having a few marital issues and DH asked if they could have the DC for a few hours on the odd weekend so we could try spend some time together as it just doesn't happen for us between working shifts and looking after DC. He says (I wasn't there) MIL lit up and herself offered every other weekend. I personally thought this was too often but as we worked out the last time we went on a date together was 18 months ago decided to just roll with it and see how it goes.
So we had the date and it really was so good for DH and I. But we go to collect the DC and instantly MIL says to me 'we'd be happy to have them again in a month or so if you wanted'. I was taken back as DH said he'd already arranged this every other week plan which had been her idea. Then she said the date she thought would be best for her and was actually 6 weeks away and actually on the day of DDs birthday party which she knew about because I'd told her about it less than a week before so of course I declined that and she just said 'oh yes' and changed the subject.

DH was going to try speaking to his Dad to work out if there had been a problem with looking after DC but we then all came down with illness and the date he booked to see his Dad alone never happened and no one has discussed anything since. I've told DH to just leave it. I really don't think they want to be as involved with our DC as with Sister-in-law's. Our DC are younger; there's a 5 year age gap between our eldest and their youngest and ours are both still both under 4 so I do get that they're much more challenging to look after than older children and in-laws are a bit older.

It's just sad I suppose. I see what a wonderful relationship my niece's have with their grandparents and find it sad that ours can't have that same relationship because in-laws just don't seem that interested.
It's also a shame for DH and I as my parents both still work full time and live further away. We both work full time, DH works shifts, we're busy and we just don't see each other that much and it's sad to me that DH specifically asked his parents for help to address how little time we have together which they initially offered support with but then seemingly changed their mind without any reason offered or even just honestly saying they don't want to.

DC are not anymore challenging to look after than any other children their age and in laws have never said they find it difficult. In fact she's regularly offering to help me drop them off or pick them up for me from nursery but I just don't need help with that and it wouldn't make any difference to my day if they did or not so I just say if you want to but don't actually ask her to as I don't need her to and wait for her to ask for a day she wants to collect them, which she never does.

I just find it sad really.
Aibu to feel that they just don't care as much about my DC as they do sister-in-law's DC?

@RaspberrSeed thank you. I'm sure you are right. Sister-in-law is their daughter too so I'm sure there's something there about simply being closer to their daughter's children than their son's.
I just don't want to ask them for help I don't need though. I hear you, and a few others but like I say, they have made the odd comment about being put upon by sister-in-law and I just don't want them to think I'm taking the piss. I have never said no to them collecting DC, I just said if they want to one day of course they can and never they never asked. I don't need them to so I'm not going to ask them to start a regular thing for no good reasons if there's any chance that they're then going to start making passive aggressive comments about me to other people like they do sister-in-law when I don't even need them to pick DC up for me.

Has your dh put as much effort in to maintaining a relationship with his parents over the years as his sister has?

But you said that it’s SIL driving the relationship? Perhaps you oh just needs to be a little more assertive in suggesting dates. If it’s about the relationship then let them have the shorter and easier access that picking them up from nursery would provide. I do think you need to be very mindful that if they are older 2 such young children are going to be tiring and probably hard work for them regardless of whether they want to see them. Perhaps offer a shorter slot whilst you have a quick walk and grab a coffee. Ditto asking the MIL to go on days out with you, it’s probably just too much for her. It’s really not comparable to the other children who are over 9. It may also be aside for them if you put the children to bed and they babysat for you for a couple of hours in the evening. Unless they are hours away I don’t really see why you couldn’t ask your parents for a slot once a month or so and then you’ve got your childcare every 2 or 3 weeks.

You know, weirdly, I'm genuinely not that fussed about the childcare option, I'm really not. My parents are younger and working so it is not an option anyway but they have actually always been very clear about their intentions not to be childcare for grandchildren. Of course if there's a serious problem they'll help but they always said, long before I had children that they would not be babysitters for us and I've always been happy with that. It's not about the childcare element at all and I genuinely just would not ask for their help if I didn't need it. So I suppose yes, the issue is with me and I need to listen to what they're telling me in their actions rather than their words because the two are not aligning. I'm trying to offer lots of opportunities to allow them to see their grandchildren because I want them to have a lovely bond, but clearly they just don't want that so perhaps I should stop offering. It honestly doesn't bother me that this regular babysitting at the weekends didn't work out, it was more about it being just one more example of them just not caring that much to be involved in any meaningful way.

Every other week was far too much to offer. Under 4s are hard work, the older ones will be more enjoyable for them. That's the great thing about being a grandparent you can just get the fun times. We also all have favourites.

You didn’t say how old they are?
they don’t really need to set anything up though as you seem to be offering quite regularly and MIL is accepting 40% of the time and they’re also coming for dinner or whatever? Lots of people would prefer the GP wait to be invited! If you’re not bothered by your parents lack of contact I guess it’s mainly about you feeling aggrieved that the other children are getting more contact time. But you yourself said that SIL initiates that and not the GP? If you want that level of contact it’s probably going to have to come from you and your partner. Tbh unless they’re your own children little doses of toddlers and preschoolers can be nicer, if they’re elderly and having to provide regular childcare for their daughter they may well not have enough energy for days out with toddlers. A lot of GP have good relationships with grandchildren despite not seeing them frequently and the future relationship absolutely doesn’t depend on frequent contact whilst they’re little.

This is just how it goes. Parents are always closer to their daughter’s children than their son’s. My parents are still very close to my children and have been very much involved in their lives. My brother’s children,not so much. It doesn’t help that he married a woman they couldn’t stand (now divorced). They were also that little bit older when my brother’s children were born and they really didn’t want the responsibility of childcare.

Why would anyone lighti up and offer weekly care then suddenly rescind the offer after actually looking after the dc.

Unfortunately you will have to change expectations.

@Fridayisnear
That's really sad.

All my dp were dead by the time my dc came and they were never gp.

Obviously sad for my dp who died never thinking they would be gp and sad for me because if I could have had anyone to watch them just for a few hours it would have been amazing.

I had two sets of grandparents.
One was kind, the other not so much.
I figured that out - my parents didn’t have to say a word.
Your kids will also figure out who are the kind people and who are the mean people with little input from you - leave them to it and try not to worry.
Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for.
Looking back, I don’t regret a single moment I missed with my mean Nana and I treasure the moments I spent with my good Nana.
People make their own beds, IYKWIM.