AIBU about the holiday?
Apologies this is long but I want to give context and don’t want to drip feed.
Had a baby in October so I’m on maternity leave.
I’ve saved to be off on maternity leave and will be paying all my own bills.
Partner paid for babies furniture. My mum bought the pram and next to me. His mum bought steriliser and cameras. I bought everything else.
Me and partner have our own houses (mixture of reasons but that’s not the issue). We live in mine except when he has his son when he stays there (two nights per week). He cooks washes etc here but pays nothing towards costs. He can also be out of the house two nights per week on nights. He picks up a bit of overtime (two this week) but isn’t an issue for him because I’m the “childcare” so I feel like I can enable him to work more because I’m default parent. Overtime pay isn’t shared in any way.
I pay for everything for baby bar some milk (partner buys 4 tins and I buy 2). The first month I fed baby myself. The second month we halved the milk, third month he bought 4 I bought 2. I buy all clothes, bottles, medicines (calpol etc) nappies, wipes, toiletries etc.
We half our food shopping (I spend more than if I lived alone because he eats more but that’s life). Last time he done the shop he didn’t ask me if I wanted anything adding. When it was my turn he sent me a list of what he wanted, I didn’t ask him he just sent it. (Sounds petty I know. I’m giving context).
Before we had baby I paid for more. He’d often ask me to pick up an extra shop if he was skint. I’d give him money when he was short. I’d borrow him money. I’d pay for trips and food (he did too but I think I paid more). He once asked me to get an extra shop because he had no money and then insisted we took his son out that weekend to an attraction and he also bought him a toy (just because).
When we lived at his house I paid the gas and electricity. We both earn similar (about 5k dif maybe)
Last week I made a few comments. “Oh baby needs some vests” silence. “Oh I’m gonna put an order in for wipes” silence. “I might order babies passport” (which brings me onto the question) silence. “Baby needs a bigger bath he’s outgrew newborn one” silence. On the four nights he’s not been here this week I’ve sent pic of baby in bath “we need a bigger bath” “lol”. I’ve ordered the bath and it’s here, by the way.
Baby also has DDH so has been in a harness so I had to go out and buy some bigger vests/adapted vests. Now he’s in a different type he needed a bigger sleep bag/tog suit (and a spare!) . He’s not paid for any of it.
He spends a fortune on his other son (I know a 5 year old gets more that’s not the issue) but this month alone he’s done out his bedroom. New bed and bedding (including duvets and pillows) and mattress. Furniture. 40” tv etc. We went out to an attraction on Sunday (cost dad £30 for the two of them plus McDonald’s). I just hung around. Then he went and bought son a £50 toy. A toy yes, £50 maybe not (or am I tight ha)
We took him out again yesterday (wed) and the attraction was £46 for them (me and baby just hung around again). Plus lunch. So I don’t think it’s he doesn’t want to spend just thinks I should buy for baby. He’s also took child on a weekend away last month (think arena tickets and £50 on merchandise), me and baby did go and he paid for the hotel. I said I’d pay for food in the pub but he got up and paid. I said in the car how much was it I’ll send it. He said “£74 no £78” I said oh don’t forget the £4 I’ll send it. He said you don’t have to. But… put the receipt in the top of the changing bag even though he didn’t need to go into it because baby and me were in our own room. (But obv I’d find it there). I sent the money but didn’t mention it.
I do not begrudge his other son and have bought him lots of clothes recently. Dad will also ask me to grab things when I’m in town for him (pjs. Socks. Gloves, specific food etc) but I’ve never asked for it back.
we agreed he would pay me “maintenance” as per the cms calculator. But because I got paid last month I gave him it back. So literally he has paid for nothing bar two lots of milk (second lot hasn’t even arrived yet). I’ve started picking up baby food so I’ve got a supply (because … money) - he knows, hasn’t got any or offered to get any. So literally he hasn’t bought anything.
We were in Morrisons earlier (him buying a load of crap we don’t need imo) and I was worried about the parking (my car) and didn’t want a ticket (because.. no money) and he said why don’t you move it. I said I would. He looked what shopping I had (four baby food, some aloli and rice which we both eat. He didn’t say oh I’ll get that give it here so I had to dash through the til on the way out (it was about £7). We had been for lunch, I had soup, he paid and I paid for the cakes. Think we only went because of the shit show of Valentine’s Day yesterday and he felt bad. I did say I didn’t mind eating at home. He also paid for pizza at the weekend.. he suggested then said I could get it on the way home. I frowned .. so he later ordered and paid. I paid for the food last time we went for lunch.
While we were in the cafe today we seen his friend and partner who had a baby a few weeks before me. I asked when she was going back to work… she said TBC as they have three kids etc and her partner said we’re trying to get 12 months.. but she said it was money…. My DP said “I know it’s expensive isn’t it” 😳 😳
Last year we went on holiday (May) I was saving for maternity so we put it on my credit card on the basis he would pay it back. I paid for the airport parking and spends. We only went because I had a pop because he said he couldn’t afford to go but was going loads of places with friends (two festivals for a start), I said I’d go with family and he said no we will go together (prob thought he would look like a prick!)
We have been planning a family holiday this year and he was saying he was paying. I thought fab, a small perk for me being on maternity (I get 40% tax taken off my 689 smp and I’m not entitled to CB) and paying for everything myself. He said a few times he was paying because I paid last year (but I didn’t. He agreed to pay it back). Anyways the other day he said about the holiday and I said I don’t think I’ll be able to afford it. He said he would pay. I said are you paying or is it instead of paying me back. He said he wouldn’t be able to do both so what would I prefer. I explained I could do with the money back. I’m only getting £400 a month. I have all my bills. My mortgage is going up £150. My car and home insurance is due and gas/elec is costing anywhere between £200 and £300. It’s looking like we won’t be getting our work bonus (which I was sort of banking on)
He asked how much I wanted, I said the cost (£965- for context the holidays I was looking at were £600 each but he wanted this and it was lovely but I didn’t bully him into an expensive hol). He sent me the money this morning with a text “sent £965” no kisses. I didn’t say thanks just “ok I’ll pay it off” and he thumbsed up. He got around 1k overtime this month. He’s later said it’s because he thought I was being off because I didn’t text him night last night (i probably am- I’m pissed off doing more of my share of childcare and the money situation) but He has also dropped into convo today “have you paid your credit card”.
Earlier in the year my dad said he would take us on holiday which id mentioned to DP. So I said to DP are you still going to take “older child” on holiday. he said yes. I said me and baby could maybe go with my parents but I feel cheeky my dad paying (still working at 68) but I could always pay him back and if we didn’t go there me and baby wouldn’t get a holiday. He said what so am I not coming?
In addition to him taking his older son on holiday he is going on two lads holidays (and went to two festivals last year whilst I saved) so I think it’s a piss take for my parents to take him on holiday when he doesn’t want to take me… the person who picks up all the slack with childcare so he can earn more, pays all the bills and costs for his second child and has paid for all kinds over the years.
In all honesty I could probably stretch to the holiday by either reducing my maternity or sticking it on my card but I’m pissed off now 😂
I don’t need any additional advice. LTB comments (although I’d not have to buy anything if I did cos I bought it all and I’m paying everything anyways). I know the situation is a joke but it’s about the holiday I can’t decide.
So my AIbu (if you got this far 😂)
Yes you are being unreasonable - a holiday is a luxury he doesn’t owe you a holiday. You could find a way to go but are cutting your nose off to spite your face. It’s between him and your parents if they want to take him on holiday. Baby is only four months old it’s not like you’ve paid everything for years. Stop being a brat!
No you are not being unreasonable - he is taking the piss. He’s letting you pay for everything for his second child and you’re covering some of his living costs and he won’t pay for your holiday if you make him pay back what he owes. Fuck your parents paying for him when he can afford three holidays for himself but nothing for you.