AIBU to think this isn’t banter?

[Pinksparkles84]

STBXH and I are currently in the process of separating. I have blocked his number as he was sending me abusive texts and text me earlier to say that he felt like a wounded animal as I have not been in contact with him, other than to tell him how our son has been (and getting DS to FaceTime him). i took DS to Devon last Friday and we got back Tuesday evening.

I have spoken to a mediator about childcare arrangements as I don’t want to coparent with STBXH as he has been verbally (and during one incident physically) abusive to me. He said that he wants us to be friendly with one another, but after saying this, sent me a picture of DS trainers which were muddy due to a walk I had been on with DS. The picture had no comment (insinuating that I was being a bad parent). I instantly felt anxious and I replied to him saying I was sorry that I hadn’t got around to getting a new pair of trainers (I’d previously bought DS a new pair of trainers but they didn’t fit right and I was going to return them). I felt like the worst mum in the world and had a cry about this message as STBXH also criticised me as I got DS haircut yesterday and he had a stripe in his hair as he wanted it (STBXH said it was my responsibility to say no to DS).

i am moving out of the house as he refused to do so, saying it was me that ended the relationship, not him. We are dividing the items in our house and we hadnt decided on the vacuum cleaner. His response was this. By way of context, he told me that I was a bad mother as I took DS out to see our friends one weekend rather than tidy up the house. I tend to run the hoover over the house once a week and he did most of the cooking as he’d always criticise my cooking and my self esteem is rock bottom. I feel damaged because I think I am faulty because I am not super clean and can be messy in the kitchen.

i have previous posts about his behaviour towards me.

Is this text just banter and I am being too oversensitive as usual.

This looks like a perfectly normal text message exchange.

I think that’s banter but banter is appropriate in a warm relationship/friendship. You don’t have that with him. I’d ignore it and keep messages transactional.

I don’t see what the issue is.

On the surface it looks fine, but you know what he's like and the subtext behind it

That's banter if I were exchanging messages like that with my husband. But he's not a STBXH and I would feel weird about having banter-y type messages from my ex while going through a divorce. At best it's blurring the boundaries, but from your point of view it's carrying on with the belittling comments that got you to the point of him being the STBXH

In the context I think he’s being pretty sarcastic there but just ignore, he’s trying to get a rise out of you.

Not unreasonable in these circumstances. It's not banter, it's a nasty little dig from someone you are splitting up from that is constantly criticising your housekeeping and parenting skills.
Tell him to fuck off. Twat.

I’m really confused by your post OP, you say you’ve blocked his number but then you continue to say he has text you? So is he blocked or not?

There’s nothing wrong with his message about the hoover really, perfectly normal.

I think in the context you put in your post, (which some seem to have ignored) it could be considered score pointing rather than banter

i think all you have to do is just remember you are leaving, let him have what he wants and you get new

i also think you need to agree with him he will email only, and set up a new email address just for him, block him on any others. That way you have more control over when you deal with him

I should have mentioned I have blocked his number but he has access via a co parenting app and has been messaging on there. I may try and see if there is a co parenting app that doesn’t allow chats. I’ve told him to only contact me about arrangements for the split and about DS.

I think the photo of the trainers was a bit of a dig but this not so much.

@Mrsttcno1

i read it that she had these texts then blocked him after

and if you read the post where the op says he is always criticising her including telling her she was a bad mother as she went out rather than do housework it’s not banter. It’s a further dig at her

he has no clue or doesn't care how his behaviour impacts you this exchange is maybe "banter" but you know how abusive he is so ignore the intention of the text he isn't your mate reply civilly but don't engage emotionally.

That is a good idea to set up an email address for correspondence. It has helped blocking his number as he was constantly sending texts and telling me what he thought of me all the time. DS is with him and his grandparents for a few days, so I can always correspond with them instead of him.

I would ignore all communication unless it was regarding contact and keep those messages brief and to the point.

Try not to read too much into it. Presumably you want the vacuum cleaner so just say something like "I will use it so I'll take it. Thanks." End of conversation. Ignore any further goading.

OP, kindly, if you are getting divorced and looking at a decade of coparenting, you need to develop a thicker skin.

Nothing your ex says about you should be relevant from this point on.

Only factual sentences related to your child are valid. Everything else can and should be ignored. He is an ex for a reason. A clanging bell.

Develop your grey rock skills. Good luck xx

He's being passive aggressive and making digs but dressing it up in a lighthearted way. Best thing to do is ignore. Why are you a bad parent for dirty trainers. He's 50% a parent too. Why didn't he get new trainers.
What a knob

I Agree about the trainers and he is indeed a knob! kids who are out and about especially In winter generally have muddy shoes, that's perfectly normal.