To leave over this

[husbandsebt]

Just found out husband has hidden 12k od cc debt from me. He doesn't know I know.

We moved 3 years ago and he had 5k then which he should have paid off by now but last year he still had it when we did our budget. So either he was lying to me last year when he said he still had 5k or he has accumulated 7k in a year.

I feel so angry, not even about the money but the fact he is lying to me about something so important. We are supposed to be getting a new car this year after having our second and this will probably impact it.

We own our home.

I understand you wanting to leave assuming this is the last straw. You need to weigh up the pro’s and con’s.

We haven't had a holiday since 2019, we are ok day to day but don't have huge amounts of disposable income I just don't know what its been spent on

YADNBU

But what does that look like, practically speaking?

Mortgage?
Kids?

Ask for an explanation before you jump to conclusions.

Friend of mine owes thousands and has for 15yrs and her DH doesn’t know. She’s worried he will divorce her if he finds out. She used to swap shifts to intercept post before she found the online only option

2 kids, mortgage but this 12k would be half our equity but would be considered a shared debt Im guessing

I dont have any family to help. Financially I wouldbt be great but what has he spent this money on

but what has he spent this money on

Thats the first thing I would be finding out OP, you can't know what you're dealing with until you know this. Ask to see the itemised statements and go from there, if he refuses I would make it clear he's risking your marriage if he can't be honest and transparent. Worst case he could be gambling or spending a fortune on other women so you 100% need to know where that money has gone, then you'll be able to think about where you go from there.

Op this really does depend on how this money has been spent with cost of living? Is this on luxuries for himself or simply keeping your heads above water?

Drugs, gambling, porn sites?

None of the options are attractive.

Do you feel able to ask him? It sounds heartbreaking for you.

This was one of the reason I left my exh. There was more going on. But money is what finally killed it for me.

I was sick of never having quite enough. No matter how hard I worked. We never seemed to have enough money. Could never get on top of things. Never had enough left over for savings. Bills always slightly behind. Then there was the feeling that I never knew what was going on. Trying my best to save and get in a secure position, going without to make it happen. Then have the rug pulled out from under me anyway when a new debt or more debt turned up.

you say you don’t have much disposable income. Your husband does. Or acts like he does. While you haven’t had spare money he has been spunking money somewhere while you struggle.

I never got an answer and I let it go. 7 years after I left (as I said some other things happened). Now he lives in a shit hole with loads of debts. I have no debt. Live in a small house. My earnings have more than doubled. I support dd at uni, have spare money. And enjoy life. But the best bit is, not having the feeling that another debt I don’t know about would appear and ruin me financially.

If you want to make it work. First thing is that you absolutely need, with proof, where that’s money has gone.

I did although, there were no kids involved.
Similar scenario where he claimed his savings hadn't increased over a 5 year period despite me covering a lot of our joint expenses. I asked him several times for an explanation but kept getting fobbed off... Finally had enough and divorced the cock-lodging twat citing financial infidelity.