Can I ask, do people talk (badly) about people who have been single for very long time / always?

[YouWontKnowMyName]

Just wondering because I’ve had some odd thing happend / said to me.

Last summer our family + extended family had kind of big family event and I swear there where two groups of people who kept looking at me and then whispering to each other and then laugh and make quick looks at my way again during this time.

One later said: ”still going to bed alone” as we I was going to bed.

I have a neighbourgh, she is a very talktive person and often stops me and talks AT me and she has made a comment of how I’m always alone.
She doesn’t say it in a kind way (imo).

And latest was when, at lunch, as we were leaving, my co-worker said to me ”you do know what people say about you,right”?
I have absolutely no idea what se meant by that, but since she and other people had been talking about relationships etc, I assumed she meant something about me and my relationship (nonexistent) status.

I could be wrong or crazy.
But I think people are not very nice about me behind my back.

So I’ll ask you.
Do people talk unkindly about people who aren’t in relationship for long time or haven’t ever been in one?

I’ll keep the poll, so it can be quick.
YANBU - yeah, there are/can be negative comments
YABU - nah, it’s not that interesting

No, but I adopted a child and now I foster so people think I'm some kind of self sacrificing angel

I was single for three years in my mid thirties and nothing seemed to excite or interest couple more.

I was very happy but some would cock a head to one side and say things like ‘aren’t you scared sleeping alone?’. I’d get a comment probably every other day similar to that.

The other half of comments seemed to be from co dependent people would couldn’t fathom enjoying being single and revelling in solitude.

The funny thing is, I always pitied them.

Some people/groups of people love bad mouthing others and will latch on to all sorts of reasons for this. I avoid people like that. They are just a cess pit of negativity.

In my circle of friends we had a friend who was single for yeeaars and yeeeaaarrrs, we were early 30's and he was still hoping to meet someone hadn't had a girlfriend ever and only a few drunken kisses here and there.
He was lovely and funny, but had physical attributes that didn't automatically make you notice him as an attractive person. He was sociable, caring, solvent and active though.

We did talk about him, it was only in a 'how has he not yet met anyone who sees him for the brilliant person he is' conversation.

He's happily married now to a really lovely person who is such a good match for him in personality and everything. We were all delighted for him when his love finally found him.

That’s kind of you @Dancerprancer19 its annoying when people who are happily married or at least were married for a large chunk of their life get on here and tell those who have been single most or all their life that “there’s more to life than having a partner etc ”

Yes of course there is and they obviously know that or they’d have just settled for anyone, but it’s ok to want to find Mr Right and be married. And let’s not pretend life isn’t often more challenging for long term singles in many ways including financially.

Yes they do. And they’re arseholes. But anyone who says that you won’t get negative comments is delusional or lying

That’s kind of you @Dancerprancer19 its annoying when people who are happily married or at least were married for a large chunk of their life get on here and tell those who have been single most or all their life that “there’s more to life than having a partner etc ”

Getting civil partnered was the stupidest move I ever made so I’d definitely say there’s more to life than having a partner!

I know some people wonder if I'm gay. I sometimes wonder the same thing about other long-term singletons. I never ask, and no-one's asked me directly.

Now and again, someone will remark that it's a shame I don't meet "a nice man" - they can have a long answer or a short one, depending on the situation! With women who reckon they couldn't live alone or would be nervous travelling alone, etc, I try to convey my extreme pity for their lack of self-belief 😏

No, only in the sense that I'll occasionally verbalise how much I'd love to see them happy and settled (because I know that's what they'd like too).

If they were happily single I'd admire that and be saying more power to them.

The ones that I know WOULD like to have relationships and don't, if I comes up with others it's only in the context of "they're such a catch/I wish they could find their person/I admire that they haven't 'settled'.

It's normal to want love for the people you love, I think.

Some people can be bitchy, but I my experience those who are quick to accuse long term single people of "being too picky" are the same to ask women in bad relationships with children "why did you have kids with him"

Essentially these are the people who will judge any which way regardless of what your particular situation is and it says more about them than you

I’m long term single by choice ( ace and have never wanted to be in a relationship) and have had the odd ignorant person make a comment. To be honest, it’s usually come across as jealousy rather than anything else, and I couldn’t care less what they think!

@Garlickit
But even if you were gay, it's still relationships so why would people think that's a reason for being single

I think it would hugely depend on where you live/ who you are hanging out with.

I know in tight, old-fashioned communities, where being a wife/ partner to a man and a mum is a default option, you would be expected to pair up and being single would mean there is something wrong with you.

Living in a big transient city and hanging out with multicultural professional people - no one would care as there will be many people who are single.

I have never heard anyone talk negatively about single people.....you used to hear women say they were afraid of being an "old maid" but that was it.

I have heard people say things about people who cannot be alone, always have a partner even if its obviously not a good match etc

I barely register if someone is single or not. Anyone who is rude to you about it is basically a giant twat and can be utterly disregarded. Being in a couple isn’t some sort of virtue, almost sounds like you are living in an Austen novel.

I think this used to be the case. I had an elderly aunt who had always been single and as I got older I suspected she was probably gay.

But these days there is less reason to hide it.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn Sadly nothing about this post surprises me.

I had a flatmate leave a wedding early because someone played a "joke" on her pretending a bloke was asking about her, they thought her disappointment was funny.

The person who was asked if she was a lesbian went to big family gatherings, got a lot of flak for years till she married at 40.

A male contact had his dad say "it would be better if you were divorced than never married". This chap has a good career and runs marathons, his dad still thinks he's not good enough in life!

I went to a friend's birthday dinner and her sister asked me "how do you manage a social life? Do you let a neighbour know what time you are getting home so you're safe?"

This is probably going back about 15 years so I hoped people were less weird now, but probably not.

One of my dad's friends - a single lady in her 60s about 15 years ago - said to me that she felt there was more pressure for young people to date, which may still be true. It was interesting to me that a woman who was that kind of age in the 60s and 70s thought there was more pressure in the 00s. I have lost touch with her after dad died, I bet the OP situation wouldn't surprise her either.

I’ve heard some people make nasty comments, but honestly they are usually small minded, lack independence and are not the brightest. Ignore them.

It’s wouldn’t even cross my mind to be honest. It’s a non issue as far as I am concerned

There seems to be a certain cohort who love to comment on other people's relationship status. I got a comment recently about how quickly I had 'moved on'. DH died almost two years ago and in recent weeks we have gone from having one car and a van on the drive when he was alive to having just a car after his death and now a car and a van again.. I was chatting to a nearby neighbour who commented on how quickly I had moved on, they had seen the van and come to the conclusion that a man had moved in. There is no new man, the van belongs to my little boy and the car is mine for the days when I am not driving him around in his wheelchair.

I had a flatmate leave a wedding early because someone played a "joke" on her pretending a bloke was asking about her, they thought her disappointment was funny

That is fucking disgusting. I hope the rest of you tore that "someone" a new one.

The person who was asked if she was a lesbian went to big family gatherings, got a lot of flak for years till she married at 40.

This...I don't get. Why should lesbians be single? Why are you more likely to be lesbian if you are single? I don't get the thought process here.

I went to a friend's birthday dinner and her sister asked me "how do you manage a social life?

That's a weird one too. How do you manage a social life, with literally no restrictions or anyone else to have to plan around? Er, with great ease I imagine. Surely "how do you manage a social life" is more aptly posed to a wife who's husband work away and is stuck home with 3 kids. Hi there 👋

Do you let a neighbour know what time you are getting home so you're safe?"

This I don't find rude and actually makes total sense to me. Who do you tell? So, for example if Tom Hardy were to kidnap me on the last train back home (oh, the hideousness, save me) then within ten minutes of the train arriving and me not being on it, DH would be actively looking for my location. If it wasn't for that, no one would know I was gone until I didn't show up for work the next day. And they wouldn't report anything, because they wouldn't be alarmed, they'd phone, then phone the next day, maybe day 3 alarm bells might go off? So, who would you tell? I think that's actually an important question, and not a dig at relationship status. Before DH my best friend knew my plans and we would always stay up and call each other to know we were home safely.

I do think that for so long, the idea of acceptable is marry, have 2.4 children, the end, that anything venturing too far off that path almost invited a "what's wrong with you" judgement. Now? More and more people actively choose to be single. Choose to be child free. And it's now positive and independent, whereas twenty years ago, a lot of people would insist that you couldn't possibly choose to be on your own, so therefore you must be some kind of pitiful loser. It's now virtually come full circle and the new generations are seeing there's more to life than settling in a marriage that doesn't fulfil you, with children you end up raising alone because the marriage is more likely to fail than succeed.

I'm married. 3DC. Happy enough. Would I marry again? No. Would I have 3DC again, with the age gaps they have. Christing Christ, no. Am I told i have the perfect life, how lucky I am, and how people are so jealous of our perfect family (namely the twins)? Yes. But why??. It certainly doesn't feel perfect. Lying on a beach without toddlers arguing about who's turn it is to fucking cough, and without a DH who lost his keys not twice, but fucking thrice this morning...that sounds perfect.

Oh, don't be so logical 😂

I think quite a few homosexual people still keep it quiet (I know one!) so the thought is something like - she can't be choosing singledom, so she must have a secret love life?

Come to think of it, I've also known women in long-term relationships with married men. They keep that quiet, obviously, but it's not what usually comes to mind when wondering "why" somebody's single.

Of my 3 closest friends, 2 are single and never been in a long term relationship or marriage.

I love them both dearly and can say it never crosses my mind that there's anything essentially different about them than my other friends. In fact, they've both shown remarkable strength in not going into the wrong relationship, no hopping from one bloke to the next, no abusive situations (one of them had a short term boyfriend who was controlling, she dumped him from a great height to sustained applause from all her girl friends!).

I'm lucky, my dh is one of the good ones and we've been together over 30 years. I like to think that if he hadn't been good, I'd have had the strength of character to behave as they have. I have huge respect for them both. They're both seen as part of our family, holidaying with us, sharing important occasions (and fantastic honorary aunties to our adult dc).

I never speak ill of single people. Why would I, they're just people on a different trajectory to me.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn I'm guessing you're a lot younger than me, but I think 15 years ago, being a lesbian would have been unacceptable to her family....maybe it still would, i don't know.

I wasn't at the wedding that my then flatmate went to but I stopped going out with her friends for various reasons, horrible bunch.

Interesting how you have interpreted the neighbour comment. She meant "how do you safely have a social life without a man" - she really did, her sister talked to me about it after.

I'm afraid I did engage with the stupid question and said "why do you think a random neighbour wants to make sure I got home by 3am". Cue eyes like saucers, not sure this woman knew nightclubs existed.

She was also shocked I worked long hours and sometimes wasn't home till 11.

I feel sorry for her kids tbh.

But why would I bother neighbours with that?! I don't get it. I was with people at bars etc, all check to make sure everyone got home okay, sorted.

Conversation later turned to holidays, we'd been to the same place.... I thought it was fab, she hated it and was telling people not to go. As the conversation continued, she said "oh hang on...we went with toddlers...you went with another adult and had a whale of a time didn't you".

What annoys me is....I understand that people live life her way, or any number of ways. So why is a single woman such an aberration to these sorts of people? I don't get it.

Like I said, it should be better now but there's bound to be the odd types who are weird to OP.

I live very quietly now and most friends vanished after marrying and having kids but maybe I really am better without them. Maybe they'd find me odd now?