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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unopened card - Annoying or am I overthinking or hormones

16 replies

topgirlalways · 15/02/2024 10:07

i am not too sure if being annoyed is due to an unopened card or hormones or my impending move.

Yesterday was valentines. DP and I been together for 2 years. Been lodging at his for quite a few months as I am waiting on my new build house being ready - hopefully in 5 weeks.

Before I moved in. DP was really thoughtful, affectionate and we did lots together - mostly planned by work. Since I moved in it seems no effort is needed. We only go out if I suggest going something.

We are not that bothered by valentines day. Agreed last year a card and a take away together is fine. No need for presents or big gestures. So a month before Valentine’s Day our favourite restaurant launched an amazing menu for the day. DP said let’s go. I agreed and said for him to book it. Surprised he wanted to plan something.

He didn’t book it on time so tables went. I said it’s ok I am not that fussed with going out. We can get a takeaway and stay in. He is taking me out tonight instead.

yesterday I didn’t see him till the evening. Got a takeaway and gave him a card. He looked horrified and said I didn’t think you were bothered. He looked embarrassed and said he didn’t get me a card as he thought I wasn’t bothered about Valentine’s Day. I shrugged it’s only a card, but slightly disappointed he did think to get me one.

But what’s upset me more is he has not opened the card. It’s left unopened on the table this morning. I said to him to open it and he said but I didn’t get you one. I didn’t think you liked a fuss. I said acknowledgment yes but nothing grand. He looked confused and said he didn’t realise and knows for future. He then asked if I wanted a birthday card and cake in the future!

i am now upset that the card is not opened still and it’s the next day. I know it’s only a card but to me it symbolises that he isn’t that bothered. I know it’s a manufactured day but open and say thanks for the card I picked out for him and wrote stuff inside.

I am not that bothered about getting a card, more his not thinking. But I am surprised how upset I am at the card not getting opened. I did have a little cry last night in bed. Think DP knew as I did get hugged a lot and he still looks embarrassed this morning. But opened the stupid card!!

can’t believe how upset k am about an unopened card. Just feel he is lazy or actually doesn’t care.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2024 10:11

It would make him feel even more guilty if he opened it, so he's avoiding it. See what he comes home with. Just say that you want him to open the card. Then enjoy your night out together. The best thing in a relationship is honest communication and saying what you need.

GreyCarpet · 15/02/2024 10:17

I agree.

I think he feels a bit guilty/embarrassed that he didn't get you a card and is now avoiding it.

I can't see how you aren't bothered about Valentine's Day but still discussed going out for a meal on the day (regardless of it not happening), bought him a card and were slightly disappointed that he didn't get you one.

Are you sure you're not just saying that you aren't bothered by it to avoid disappointment or because you think it's what you should say but secretly do want to mark it?

For context, my partner and I aren't bothered by Valentine's Day. We didn't discuss going out, didn't go out, neither of us bought the other a card and enither of us faced disappointment nor embarrassment.

Phoeebee · 15/02/2024 10:18

So I couldn't give a shit about valentines, never been interested in getting a card or gestures as we do those things regularly on weekends etc. But in the situation you describe, yeah I'd be upset. You've took the time to write a card and he hasn't even opened it. So he's protecting his own feelings about being embarrassed over yours. And asking do you want a birthday card in future?? What?? I know some people aren't gifters, but just a complete lack of thought isn't it.

Ready4ActionRyderSir · 15/02/2024 10:19

Yep, agreeing with PP: avoiding the guilt.

i can do this too, actually, in similar situations. Concluded it’s because I avoid my feelings rather than confront them head on… I avoid any discomfort rather than face it.

GreyCarpet · 15/02/2024 10:20

In short, he feels he's fallen into the trap of believing a woman who says she isn't bothered about Valentine's Day but then turns out to be quietly very bothered abut Valentine's Day!

Ghostgirl77 · 15/02/2024 10:22

I think you need to be honest with him and say it bothered you that he didn’t book the restaurant and didn’t open your card. Otherwise he’s not going to know, and will probably do the same again.

Original poster

topgirlalways · 15/02/2024 10:26

i am not bothered about grand gestures on valentines. I wouldn’t have suggested going out but he suggested as he said I would love the menu.

I said to him I am not bothered about going out to eat, but I would like to spend even g together like have a take away etc. do I have to actually say I want a card.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 15/02/2024 10:42

do I have to actually say I want a card.

I think you probably do, yes.

If someone told me they weren't bothered by Valentine's Day, I'd take it at face value.

At the moment, you're sending mixed messages - I'm not bothered by Valentine's Day but I expect a card and a takeaway and a nice evening at home to mark it, which is being bothered by it. You might not be expecting a house littered with rose petals and a heartfelt declaration of love typed on an old typewriter or a weekend away in Paris but you are bothered by it .

People who 'aren't bothered' by it don't do anything.

CatchAButterfly · 15/02/2024 10:46

GreyCarpet · 15/02/2024 10:42

do I have to actually say I want a card.

I think you probably do, yes.

If someone told me they weren't bothered by Valentine's Day, I'd take it at face value.

People who 'aren't bothered' by it don't do anything.

This. DH and I aren’t fussed about Valentine’s Day. We both know that. Yet every year he buys me a card because he feels he has to. And I always forget to buy one because I think we don’t do Valentine’s Day. But fortunately there’s no bad feeling either way.

TheSnowyOwl · 15/02/2024 10:50

You say you are going out tonight so maybe he is seeing today as your Valentine’s Day and will open it later.

I can understand how it has made you feel. Hopefully he makes amends.

Spinet · 15/02/2024 10:53

I think lots of women say they're not bothered about valentine's day because it makes it seem like they're demanding princesses, which they are not. There's also the 'it's all made up by greetings card manufacturers' thing which is probably true.

But you can believe both things and still actually want a card or even flowers from your loved one on valentines day! It's a strange contradiction but there we are. If this is the case with you - as it is with me - you do unfortunately need to spell it out. You can see that it's confusing.

I think Valentine's Day is pointless commercialism but DH has bought me roses for the last 20 years anyway because he knows that a little (stupid) part inside of me believes we're not really in love if he doesn't. He learned this the hard way

GreyCarpet · 15/02/2024 10:53

Tbh, the last time I did anything for Valentine's Day was 12 years ago when I baked my then husband a heart shaped cake (because he liked Valentine's Day). I know this because it came up on my fb memories yesterday!

We separated later that year and, in the 12 years since, I've been mostly single and dated a bit until I started seeing my partner a couple of years ago.

In that time, I've been given one Valentine's card by a man I'd been on a few dates with who gave me a handmade card from which padded satin hearts fell when I opened it. I didn't see him again largely based upon this.

I wouldn't tell someone I wasn't bothered by Valentine's Day if I had expectations that they would do something and then expect them to know what those expectations are.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 15/02/2024 10:58

I'd say he feels embarrassed and doesn't want to open it as he hasn't bought one for you to open.

Just pass it to him again later, give him a kiss and say 'Happy belated Valentines. I'm looking forward to the place you booked tonight. Thank you'

LightSpeeds · 15/02/2024 11:05

"Since I moved in it seems no effort is needed."

This stood out for me (maybe more than the card issue). I think you might have on-going problems in this relationship!

2024WasNotInFactMyYear · 15/02/2024 11:22

topgirlalways · 15/02/2024 10:26

i am not bothered about grand gestures on valentines. I wouldn’t have suggested going out but he suggested as he said I would love the menu.

I said to him I am not bothered about going out to eat, but I would like to spend even g together like have a take away etc. do I have to actually say I want a card.

I think you do, I wouldn’t have been able to guess that from the rest of your post.

Simplelobsterhat · 15/02/2024 11:35

It's sounds like a miscommunication really, in terms of what you meant by 'not bothered'. DH and I had similar after we'd been together a couple of years. He bought me a big present one year, so the next year i made a point of saying let's just do little token gestures , and he only got me a card, whereas I got him a small present. There was then a conversation where we agreed it was all a bit silly, no need, we'd celebrate anniversary instead etc, but the next year I thought we were still doing cards and he thought we weren't doing anything, we'd remembered/ understood the conversation differently.
We don't mark it at all now, but have been together over 20 years, so it hasn't done us any harm! I can remember that feeling of disappointment that he'd made less effort though, but it was just different expectations / miscommunication.

In terms of him not opening, he's embarrassed and doesn't think he should have it when he didn't get you one. It would annoy me too though!

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