Child idolising abusive parent. How to cope?

[Bassett54]

I'm a lone parent to a 5yo boy. He didn't see his dad for 5 years as the courts deemed it unsafe and lots of delays with covid. He completed a domestic abuse perpetrator programme however lied through his teeth which I have highlighted in the report. The courts weren't interested they just want contact to happen as apparently a 6 month programme is enough to cure him of his ways.

DS has met him in a contact centre probably 20 times now and completely idolises him. We now just do handovers at the centre. He has no idea about the abuse (physical, sexual- son was conceived through rape, emotional, racist abuse, harrassment etc, and physical abuse and endangerment towards DS). He thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, is bombarded with gifts, sweets etc, only ever goes and does fun things with him like cinema and theme parks.

I feel so torn, like I should be happy for DS. Being honest I feel incredibly threatened that this abusive man has now entered back into our lives and DS is now saying all sorts like he wants to live with him because it is more fun. I feel concerned that he wouldn't be safe. I will even admit that I've felt envious that he sees his dad as more fun than me and I'm just the one who makes him dinner and takes him to clubs (we do do fun stuff but I have less money than his dad).

I just don't know how to keep him safe in general and how to keep myself emotionally safe. I'm so scared that he knows nothing of the abuse and has no idea how dangerous his dad is.

I hate this whole situation with a passion.

Bumping so I don't get lost

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Sorry youre in this situation

Because the contact is court ordered I think all you can do is continue what you are doing. It's so hard and I really feel for you.

Do know in your own mind that true parenting is being there all the time, it includes cooking the meals, booking the school trips, buying the clothes, keeping the roof over head and being there - good times and bad. That's what you are doing.

If parenting was as easy as going to a theme park or a soft play we could all do an excellent job with lots of smiles.

If it's easier try to disconnect it, your child doesn't know the history etc and is just having some fun childcare and a day out. Doesn't mean it isn't you who cuddles them, reads the books before bed, wipes away the tears and is the actual parent in this situation

OP it’s so hard what you are going through. Your natural instinct is to protect your child and your not allowed to.

The trauma from the abuse has to be worked through. The reason this matters is because you don’t want to risk being triggered which makes this worse for your son and yourself. I personally do not cover for my ex and I don’t speak about him overly positive. I also do not bad mouth himself because that is harmful for the child who just wants a father. I am neutral.

The most important things you can do is make your home the safe stable place for your child.
You do need to find subtle ways to teach your child to recognise abusive behaviours and talk about how it shouldn’t be tolerated without ever bring his father into it. Your child will make the connection when they are older.

It's so hard. I don't know how to switch off.