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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Swearing in front of kids

28 replies

Weemumofone · 15/02/2024 07:14

Context - OH and I haven’t been getting on. A big thing we don’t agree on is screen time for kids (under 10). I think it’s too much (every evening and most of the weekend), OH doesn’t mind as he’s a screen junkie too. Due to getting the silent treatment I’ve put up with it but a while back I said I was fed up being stuck doing nothing on my own and wanted to a family thing. Well, he had a proper go at me in front of the kids, then proper swore at me in front of the kids. He screamed “f off” in my face multiple times as part of his rant. I walked away and left the house. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong, instead tries to justify why he was mad but doesn’t seem to think anything wrong with proper swearing at me in front of the kids. Kids looked shocked. For me, he’s crossed a line and I can’t move on from it. It was the final straw after a lot of issues. I’m scared to say anything else in front of the kids in case they witness another rant like that. So, AIBU - is a full blown swearing rant directed at me in front of kids not really that bad and I need to find a way to forget it? I wouldn’t let ANYONE else ever talk to me like that.

OP posts:
Snowdropsarecoming · 15/02/2024 07:19

What do you want your life to be like in the next 5 years? Do you want to be with man (assuming he apologies and doesn’t do it again) and you learn to communicate and come to compromise together? If yes then try couples counselling, if he’a unwilling then you know he isn’t going to even try and change.

puzzledout · 15/02/2024 07:28

Proper swearing at you and telling you fuck off over and over is wrong, if kids are there or not.

Disgusting behaviour.

Theedgeoftheabyss · 15/02/2024 07:29

I've been with my husband for 18 years, and he's never ever done that. You deserve better.

Peppapog263 · 15/02/2024 07:30

Hate it. Awful behaviour.

Belle89 · 15/02/2024 07:32

Is that how you want your children to view acceptable relationships and conduct themselves in the future?

StephanieSuperpowers · 15/02/2024 07:32

I wouldn't say that's how most people in relationships behave.

Banrion · 15/02/2024 07:36

If you stay you're teaching your children that it is okay to be treated like that.
Even if the children weren't there his behaviour isn't acceptable.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2024 07:40

I'm very, very chilled about swearing in front of kids. But swearing at someone in the way that you describe is completely unacceptable - frankly, in front of children or otherwise. He should not speak to you like this. I'm sorry that your kids had to witness it.

N27 · 15/02/2024 07:42

Kids there or not, that is not normal in a healthy disagreement and would not be tolerated by my. If you wouldn’t accept that behavior from anyone else, why are you accepting it from him?

neverbeenskiing · 15/02/2024 07:45

He screamed “f off” in my face multiple times as part of his rant.

This is unacceptable.

I work in a school in a safeguarding role and if a child told me they had witnessed this I would be concerned that they were living in a Domestically Abusive environment. Your DH doesn't have to hit you to be abusive, screaming obscenities in your face is abusive behavior. The fact that he did this in front of the children and has taken no responsibility nor shown any remorse for it is also a concern. The fact that you are (understandably) scared to challenge him is also a concern as it is not normal or acceptable for your partner to frighten you.

The legislation has now changed so that children are no longer "witnesses" to DA, they are victims of DA in their own right. I'm sure this is not what you want for your children. Do you have any close friends or relatives who you can confide in? Womens Aid or Refuge are both very helpful but make sure you cover your tracks if you're going to contact them.

barkymcbark · 15/02/2024 07:59

puzzledout · 15/02/2024 07:28

Proper swearing at you and telling you fuck off over and over is wrong, if kids are there or not.

Disgusting behaviour.

I was going to say exactly this

wafflingworrier · 15/02/2024 08:03

neverbeenskiing · 15/02/2024 07:45

He screamed “f off” in my face multiple times as part of his rant.

This is unacceptable.

I work in a school in a safeguarding role and if a child told me they had witnessed this I would be concerned that they were living in a Domestically Abusive environment. Your DH doesn't have to hit you to be abusive, screaming obscenities in your face is abusive behavior. The fact that he did this in front of the children and has taken no responsibility nor shown any remorse for it is also a concern. The fact that you are (understandably) scared to challenge him is also a concern as it is not normal or acceptable for your partner to frighten you.

The legislation has now changed so that children are no longer "witnesses" to DA, they are victims of DA in their own right. I'm sure this is not what you want for your children. Do you have any close friends or relatives who you can confide in? Womens Aid or Refuge are both very helpful but make sure you cover your tracks if you're going to contact them.

I 100% agree with this post. Protect yourself and your children, this is not normal or OK behaviour, you are right to feel upset and that a line has been crossed.

Universalsnail · 15/02/2024 08:04

I don't think it's the swearing that is the problem here. It is the aggression at you in front of the kids that is not ok and the silent treatment that is not ok also. Is this type of thing a common occurrence?

YourLocal · 15/02/2024 08:08

He shouldn’t swear infront of young kids!! My niece learnt swear words at 7 bc of this. Definitely don’t!! Daughter then knew them in year 2 and mum was called in because she said the b word to this kid who hated her

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2024 08:10

Exactly. The swearing in itself isn't the issue.

(Sorry, that was supposed to be a response to @Universalsnail but I forgot to quote. )

Marblessolveeverything · 15/02/2024 08:11

I don't specifically think swearing is the issue. For example dropped something on toe and swore I would ignore etc.

It's the aggressive and abusive way he addressed you.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2024 08:13

It sounds like he is pretty childish if he has to resort to screaming 'f off' into your face repeatedly. What a moron. I'm presuming you asked some completely innocent question, or requested he do something incredibly basic?
It's bang out of order, and the kids will start doing similar if it doesn't stop. He needs to apologise and assure you he will not be yelling swearwords in your face ever again.

BarbaricPeach · 15/02/2024 08:15

I wouldn't tolerate this from anyone, kids or no kids. Swearing at anyone is unacceptable even if it was said in a normal tone. Shouting it in your wife's face is completely unacceptable. People who love and respect you don't do that, in my opinion. Maybe you could get over it as a one off with severe marriage counselling, a clear apology to you in front of the children and him giving an explicit explanation to them of how you should treat a partner and why he was wrong. If he's not willing to do that, I would be out the door.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2024 08:27

Marblessolveeverything · 15/02/2024 08:11

I don't specifically think swearing is the issue. For example dropped something on toe and swore I would ignore etc.

It's the aggressive and abusive way he addressed you.

Exactly. If he was screaming aggressively in your face without swearing at you, it would be just as bad imo.

Mischance · 15/02/2024 08:29

The language used is the least of your worries. His attitude towards you is the problem. He should not be ranting at you in this way, whether there are children present or not. Do you feel that this is tolerable? I am o sorry he treats you in this way.

IcedPlum · 15/02/2024 08:42

Yes everyone slips up from Time to Time but I think swearing as part of everyday conversation in front of children is vile , especially the use of the C word .

LakieLady · 15/02/2024 09:01

That sounds like a shocking level of aggression and the shouting in your face repeatedly is awful. It's appalling that your DCs witnessed that.

The swearing is less significant than the manner in which it was done imo. I come from a very sweary family and we were brought up to know that swearing wasn't appropriate in most settings or in front of certain people.

VeryStressedMum · 15/02/2024 09:44

This isn't 'swearing in front of kids' this is on a completely different level its abusive behaviour witnessed by your children.

MightyGoldBear · 15/02/2024 09:54

I think your partner needs some therapy. Might he have screen addiction? Any other addictions? It's just abusive being that aggressive and intimidating. Unless he wants to change and understands why it's necessary. I'm not sure you have much option but to leave the relationship.

You won't be able to parent effectively with him because he can't communicate. He is being disrespectful to not hear your concerns about screen time/swearing and tackle it together. But that's the least of your problems currently.

HarrietStyles · 15/02/2024 10:53

Everyone has their own boundaries on what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship. However I would guess that 99.9% of people would find a partner shouting and swearing in their face in an aggressive manner completely unacceptable (with or without children witnessing).

I personally could never move past this, especially if they were not forthcoming with an apology and an assurance that they knew it was unacceptable behaviour and a promise it would never happen again.

I would LTB.

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