Dear MNers, I met my partner (51) online seven years ago and moved country to be with him (from the UK to Ireland.) I have a professional job and he was unemployed at the time, which I didn’t realise, as he kept it from me for some time.
After a while, I noticed that he kept unusual hours. He would wake up in the afternoon (around 2pm) and play video games all day, or watch YouTube/Twitch videos. He would do this until the early hours of the morning when he would go to bed (around 3 or 4 am.) He will play video games for at least 10 hours a day.
I just thought that this was something he was doing because he was unemployed at the time.
He has also never been able to orgasm from penetrative sex and has told me that he’s not that bothered by sex. He can only orgasm to porn if he masturbates.
He told me that he wasn’t physically attracted to my body and that I am not his usual type (although he regularly claims he loves me.) He is quite overweight himself, which I find sexually unappealing.
He has also suffered from depression in the past due to having a difficult childhood with an alcoholic and abusive parent. He is now on anti-depressants, but I’m not convinced they’re helping him.
To cut a long story short, we fell in love and have been together for almost seven years now.
These days he has a part-time job working in a local establishment in the evenings, but his lifestyle still hasn’t changed. Our sex life is non-existent and I go to bed alone every night, while he plays video games until the early hours of the morning. Even when he is off work, he still sleeps in and goes to bed at 3 or 4am.
When he does come up to bed, he scrolls on his phone for a while, then puts a podcast on and his headphones in to go to sleep (he says he can’t sleep otherwise.)
When I complain about this, he says he doesn’t want to lie in bed listening to me snoring. In the morning, the cycle continues again.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and the day before that I had an MRI scan as I have a suspected brain tumour. As you can imagine, things are quite difficult for me at the moment.
My partner didn’t even buy me a card. He just sat on the sofa all day playing video games and watching YouTube videos.
When I complained about him not doing anything for Valentine’s Day, he did go to the shops to get ingredients to cook me dinner. But he still didn’t buy me a card, flowers or chocolates. My dinner was nice though.
Am I wrong to feel hurt and disappointed? We did watch tv together for a few hours (which is a rarity) but I still went to bed alone and as usual he came up to bed at 4am and put his headphones in.
Like I said, the cycle will continue tomorrow. Whenever I confront him about his lifestyle he tells me that this is just how his body clock is and that he’s not going to change it. He does sometimes get angry and call me a nagging See you next Tuesday and to eff off etc. He will often give me the silent treatment afterwards too.
He tells me that he doesn’t care what I and other people think about his lifestyle, and that it’s my problem that I think it’s normal to get up in the morning.
Can I also add that he calls housework ‘busy work’ and doesn’t think it’s necessary to live in a clean house. BTW, he owns our house and paid for it outright.
I gave up so much to be with him and now I feel such a fool for allowing myself to be treated like this. I’m embarrassed my his lifestyle and the way I have allowed myself to be treated. He insists that he loves me, despite all of this.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting a better life? I cannot afford to leave and I also don’t want the humiliation of having to start my life again at 49, after having told everyone that he was ‘the one’ and giving up my own (rented) house and life in the UK to be with him.